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  1. #21
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    Oh...sorry I thought she was the op's step dd, so miss 16 is the aunty?

  2. #22
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    oh my gosh op you have so much more patience than I would. Once when my SIL smacked dd, I really lost it at her and put it this way, she has never ever dared again. She actually told dh that I scared the heck out of her. I (but that's me, I have a very low tolerance) would seriously tell her she shape up or get the hell out if she won't respect your rules.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    to me, it sounds as if SIL is not being punished for hitting your DD?? This to me seems a big issue. If she hits your DD (for what ever reason) she needs to be punished...otherwise there is zero reason for her to stop. There needs to be consequences.
    Hmmm, I guess she isn't? I mean I get up her for it, but I don't think I've really done anything other than that? I don't know what an appropriate punishment would be? The hitting doesn't happen often (in fact it's hardly ever now), its more verbal.


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  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Minchi View Post
    oh my gosh op you have so much more patience than I would. Once when my SIL smacked dd, I really lost it at her and put it this way, she has never ever dared again. She actually told dh that I scared the heck out of her. I (but that's me, I have a very low tolerance) would seriously tell her she shape up or get the hell out if she won't respect your rules.
    That sort of threat wouldn't work in this case. A) she has nowhere to go and b) she wouldn't see that as a punishment. She is one of those kids who has no hesitation to just up and leave if she gets sh!tty enough. And she has openly admitted this during a counselling session.

    I am going to have a long hard think while she is at work today. There are a few minor issues as well as this that I need to address. It's just a matter of finding the best way to do it.


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  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Minchi View Post
    oh my gosh op you have so much more patience than I would. Once when my SIL smacked dd, I really lost it at her and put it this way, she has never ever dared again. She actually told dh that I scared the heck out of her. I (but that's me, I have a very low tolerance) would seriously tell her she shape up or get the hell out if she won't respect your rules.
    I don't think kicking a 16 year old out would be ideal. She obviously lives with them for a reason.

  6. #26
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    I agree with other posters.

    Give her a list of what is ok, what is expected and what is out of bounds.
    Explain that discipline is not about your anger but about the child learning.

    Explain what she will lose and for how long if she is found to be doing something.

    No treats.
    No pocket money
    Iphone or gaming console confiscated for a week.

    Explain that you are the parent,and while she is living with you she needs to respect your rules.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by moongazer View Post
    I agree with other posters.

    Give her a list of what is ok, what is expected and what is out of bounds.
    Explain that discipline is not about your anger but about the child learning.

    Explain what she will lose and for how long if she is found to be doing something.


    No treats.
    No pocket money
    Iphone or gaming console confiscated for a week.

    Explain that you are the parent,and while she is living with you she needs to respect your rules.
    We haven't done this for her "parenting" dd1, but we do have a list of what we expect from her (room to be kept tidy, school work done, what chores she has and when they need to be done etc), and a list if consequences if this isn't followed. It doesn't make a difference. Although today as I said, I am going to be having a long hard think. I have already decided she loses her phone for a week due to some chores not being done. Next thing to go is laptop. DH has tried talking to her as well but gets the same response as me. Wish he was home so he could back me up a bit!!

    When we do the "while you live with us this is how it's going to be", she throws back "I'll move out then". And she means it. She already has spoken to a friend at school who lives in a share house about moving out and thinks she has it all sorted. What's concerning is even though she won't have a leg to stand on, she is so stubborn that she would rather fall on her face than come home.


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    Last edited by SheWarrior; 17-11-2013 at 11:59.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil miss View Post
    We haven't done this for her "parenting" dd1, but we do have a list of what we expect from her (room to be kept tidy, school work done, what chores she has and when they need to be done etc), and a list if consequences if this isn't followed. It doesn't make a difference. Although today as I said, I am going to be having a long hard think. I have already decided she loses her phone for a week due to some chores not being done. Next thing to go is laptop. DH has tried talking to her as well but gets the same response as me. Wish he was home so he could back me up a bit!!


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014

    you and your DH need to sit and discuss and think this through before appraoching her. You need to be united.

    I would make it a whole house approach...house rules for all you that cover hot you speak to and treat each other and what chores etc. Each thing needs a clear consequence and you need to be 100% consistent!

    The rules should be applicable to all...so if DD1 tries to parent the younger ones...there should be an equal consequence to SIl doing it. SIL needs boundaries and consequences and to know she is worth the effort.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    you and your DH need to sit and discuss and think this through before appraoching her. You need to be united.

    I would make it a whole house approach...house rules for all you that cover hot you speak to and treat each other and what chores etc. Each thing needs a clear consequence and you need to be 100% consistent!

    The rules should be applicable to all...so if DD1 tries to parent the younger ones...there should be an equal consequence to SIl doing it. SIL needs boundaries and consequences and to know she is worth the effort.
    Trouble with that is DH isn't home for another 2 weeks. So I do need to handle it myself at the moment. We have had many a discussion while he is home and while he tries his best, he gets as far as I do. It's a sad fact we are the only people who haven't given up on her when things got tough- and have no intention on doing so. We have been the only consistent thing in her life.


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  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil miss View Post
    Trouble with that is DH isn't home for another 2 weeks. So I do need to handle it myself at the moment. We have had many a discussion while he is home and while he tries his best, he gets as far as I do. It's a sad fact we are the only people who haven't given up on her when things got tough- and have no intention on doing so. We have been the only consistent thing in her life.


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    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014
    This sounds really tough. I am so glad that you are committed to being someone constant in your SIL's life, especially if she hasn't that much. The comment made me wonder...how much of an issue is it really when she disciplines your child? I mean, on a scale of annoying to upsetting?

    I'm just wondering if there's a more softly softly way to go, as it seems like what she knows is rejection. Perhaps she feels like she is part of a family for the first time, and this is what she knows family does. Does she have a point about your 6 year old? Is he genuinely doing some annoying things to her? Perhaps having a little talk with him so she feels a little like you're on her side might help things. It sounds like she feels as though she's on her own in life, and has to fight her own battles. Perhaps you could acknowledge that you can see how she'd be annoyed sometimes, and say that you're here to support her, as well. If she comes to you then you can help her, because you don't expect her to handle it herself. I don't know, just some suggestions that are coming to mind.

    In our mandatory notification training we learnt that some kids/teenagers actively create conflict because it's what they know best, so in a funny way it's when they feel most comfortable. I don't know if that's the case here, but maybe it will help her to learn some different ways of managing issues. You sound very reasonable so I'm sure you've tried these things. I also think it's very tricky for you, as SIL, to manage that relationship if you are also acting like her parent too. Could you do some fun things together as sisters and build the trust between you that you aren't going to reject her? You're in her life for keeps? Maybe she needs to feel that you stick up for her as well, sometimes...


 

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