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  1. #1
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    samilia is offline Our family is almost complete <3
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    Default DH got cold feet and doesn't want a 3rd :(

    So DH reluctantly agreed to a 3rd baby, I got my IUD removed, I was all excited and then bam! First month of trying and he said "no"! He didn't want a third and that was that. No matter what I said to him, he was adamant about his choice.

    After all that I was crushed. How could he be the decider of how many kids I have? I just hate that he has the decision.

    Anyways, I went on contraception and after nearly 12 months on the pill, I begged him again, he reluctantly agreed, and I stopped the pill a week ago. Now he's got cold feet again! He won't touch me because I might fall pregnant.

    I feel so angry at him and I almost consider leaving him but I don't think I would.

    His excuses seem exactly that.. Nothing more than petty excuses!

    "I don't want to go through the whole nappy changing thing again, and toilet training thing again"...etc, etc... To me these reasons seem stupid!

    He also has concerns about finances and I agree, these are valid worries, but I believe everything works out, and our children will always have what they need, and all the love in the world.

    What should I do?

    Do I try to convince him some more? Do I beg longer?

    He never even wanted to have the first baby, but once she arrived he and her (now 5 years old) have been inseparable and he loves his kids to bits. We also have a 2.5 year old daughter which he absolutely dotes on!

    I have a feeling in my heart that once we have a 3rd that he will have no regrets and that he will be in-love, and that he'll ever perhaps thank my pushiness, it's just getting him to agree in the first place! HELP

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    I think the first step is to really listen to your hubby and respect what he is saying. He is your partner. Don't look at things as though he is controlling how many kids you are having, as he could turn around and say you're trying to do the same to him. Look at it as bad luck: you two are on different pages about how many kids you want and that is ok and no-ones fault.

    To you the reasons are stupid to me they sound valid. Ask him questions about his views and do not criticise. Only if you fully embrace and understand where he is coming from will you have a chance of changing his mind and/or keeping a happy marriage.
    - Eg Why are finances a worry, how tight will things be? Will he have to work extra hours to make ends meet (I wouldn't like that). Would you have to go without certain things? Is hubby tired and busy at work and that's why the thought of high maintenance babies/toddlers makes him cringe?

    The only thing I would be a little cranky over is him changing his mind. Is it possible he is being pressured by you too much and that is why his decision making is all over the shop? If so, backing off a little, and giving your hubby a chance to take the lead may help. This may be extra helpful if your second is still young: perhaps it is just too soon?

    Good luck

  3. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    Chippa  (13-11-2013),Ellymoe  (13-11-2013),twotrunks  (13-11-2013)

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    Agree with @VicPark wholeheartedly. As the one in the relationship who doesn't want any more, it's hard for us too. You don't want him to be the one who decides how many kids you have but you want to be the one who decides how many he has? The difference in my case is that I would have to be the primary carer which I just can't do if I don't really want another.

    I think you need a mature discussion and try not to get too emotional about it at the time. He is not doing it to hurt you. Those early years are tough and his reasons sound very valid to me, as well as the financial ones.

    Agree him chopping and changing must be very upsetting and that needs to stop. It's not fair on you at all.

    I would drop it for a year or so. He may well change his mind! And if not I think you just have to try and accept that your family is complete... You can't ask people to have kids they don't want. Of course all parents would love a child that was born, but that doesn't mean that them being born was the right decision.

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    I agree with what pp have said.
    You have to look at both sides.
    You want more, he doesn't. Why should he cave to you? It's a tough situation. But one you have to learn to accept

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    I've been in your situation and its hard. Unfortunately someone has to "give in" and how you work out who that is, well I don't know. For us my DH was totally adamant that he was content with two. Our children were IVF babies and we had plenty of embryos in storage, he just didn't want to try again. Amazingly during the time of discussing whether you use one of our embryos, I actually fall pregnant naturally and it was totally unplanned, after never ever falling pregnant naturally it was a massive surprise to us, and lo and behold my DH became used to the idea pretty quickly and then at 9 weeks we discovered that the baby's heart had stopped beating. Even after that, and even after DH getting used to the idea, he still did not agree to trying for another baby using one of our embryos. He was totally adamant 2 children was enough for him and sadly I was the one who had to "give in" in our relationship. It still hurts and when I hear about people having a 3rd baby I feel a deep pang of sadness. I hope one day to move past it. Good luck, I know how sad and difficult and often fraught the discussion is.

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    I'm about to have my second, and I am not sure I want a third, for pretty much the same reasons your DH doesn't. If someone could just hand me a 1 year old, well past the newborn stage, give me a magical work from home job so I wouldn't be out of the full time workforce for longer or have to pay childcare, and money was no issue, oh and if I could bypass the whole pregnancy thing, I'd probably be all for it. As it is now we have some decisions to make in the next year as we have embryos stored and will not be keeping them forever as back-ups. I suspect my DH will have to do some serious sweet-talking, but ultimately I think he'll respect whatever decision I make as I am the one most impacted in our situation. Reasons that may seem petty to one person may be a big deal to another.

  8. #7
    samilia's Avatar
    samilia is offline Our family is almost complete <3
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    Thanks for all your replies..
    It's such a tough situation.

    Last night was out latest argument about this.. However, this morning he, before leaving for work sat on the end of the bed and said " I'm just scared we will struggle financially and or physically".... I didn't say much because I didn't want to have this discussion before he left for work.. And I sort of just "ummed" what he was saying, and then out of nowhere he said "ok, we'll try, but can we just not do all the ovulation tests and cycle counting this time and just let it happen naturally?" And I agreed of course. It excited me a little, but I'm still scared he's going to turn around in 5 minutes and say no again.

    Reading what you all have wrote has made me feel guilty for nagging him, but at the same time it really hurts me right in the heart at the thought of never having another child... Even my kids are asking for a baby all the time... Which makes me even more heartbroken.

    Him having that talk with me this morning just makes me even more upset. Now I feel guilty for making him feel like caving...

    I hate this.

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    You cant force hI'm to do it, if he has said it, it is or his own accord.
    I am a true believer you will not fall pregnant unless both want it.

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    I'm not sure I could go through with it unless DH was 100% on board. Marriages are so delicate and with 50% of them failing I feel like if I forced DH he could resent me for it. I would rather my 2 current kids have a happy family to grow up in then risking a failure of a marriage, adding kids does not necessarily make things better and their is no guarantee he will adore this child if you do go ahead with this. This sounds horrible but I have friends who have regretted having kids.

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    Op I was in your exact situation last year. Ds2 turned 1 and I was ready to start trying for number 3. Dh was very unsure and one day would be on board then changing his mind the next. I understand how devastating and frustrating it can be.

    I decided I couldn't handle the back and forth so sat dh down and told him I will stop asking for a child. He knew I didn't feel our family was complete but I also didn't want to pressure him into anything. I accepted I may have to be happy with a family of 4 and stopped thinking about it.

    About 6 months after that conversation dh decided he wanted another child and that we were ready.

    I am now 14 weeks pregnant and dh couldn't be more excited.




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