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  1. #41
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    I would be asking him about the text.
    Tell him DD was playing on the phone and you saw she was in the text msgs then saw the text.
    Just ask calmly, no need for taking it outta context yet. See what he says


    Single mummy to a wonderful DS (Born 11/12/2008)

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  3. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    That's another good point. Don't people ask each other how their day went? Most partners would mention a catchup at least in passing.
    My DH forgets to tell me this kind of things all. the. time. Nothing suss though, he just has no memory or don't think they are worth mentioning.

    I would just ask him OP and be honest about how this happened.

    I have seen DH's email because he forgot to log out from his account and I'm trying to access mine.
    Well sometimes something caught my eyes and I asked about it - no one got angry over it (the situation has been reversed too)

    Good luck

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    Isn't the whole point that after cheating, trust has gone from the relationship. I think you can forgive & move on, but like a cord that has been cut you can never fully rebuild that trust. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I've never been cheated on but DH & I have a totally open door policy; I have all his passwords & he has all mine. Can you & DH have this situation if it makes you feel safer within the relationship. I too would feel uncomfortable with that text, especially given that he has cheated before & you don't know this woman. I would follow the advice of PPs who say to gather some evidence first. I don't think it's snooping; I think your DH forfeited the right to husband/wife privacy when he broke your trust not once, but twice. Good

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    DS pressed send lol. I was going to say hugs & good luck.

  6. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beefie View Post
    what could go wrong if i just asked him who the woman is?

    "hey dh, dd was playing in ur text mesgs...whos "name"?
    Will he think i was snooping and just used dd for cover?
    i dont want this to all blow up if it was just...nothing.
    How about just say this, but start it with how you're feeling. Like I wouldn't try to
    casually bring it up, I'd say "I'm really freaking out, I don't want to be and I want to trust you, I don't really even want to have this conversation, but...." (or whatever is true for you)

    You don't want to make it a big deal if it's not but if it's a big deal to you, I think it's okay in a partnership to tell your partner that there's something wrong.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lili81 View Post
    My DH forgets to tell me this kind of things all. the. time. Nothing suss though, he just has no memory or don't think they are worth mentioning.
    Haha. My DP hardly tells me anything but if I ask about his day he'd definitely tell me about a catchup! Even coming from the least talkative man in the entire world! I think the thing is it must have been SOME catchup if they texted each other afterward I would think he'd mention it at least in passing.

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  9. #47
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    Based on that text alone, I don't think he would be cheating. But based on her response, it sounds to me like the woman is reaching out or laying the groundwork for that to be a future possibility. If it were me, I'd say exactly how I came to read that message, and just say something like 'be careful. I know what women can be like, and I know what that message meant.'

    That way you're not accusing him, but you will know by his response (whether he defends her etc.) what his feelings might be. You could even say you know things haven't been great lately and ask if he's felt tempted. If you do it in a supportive way as in caring about the marriage, wanting him to have a chance to talk to you, he may come clean with feeling tempted or attracted to this woman if he is. He also knows that you're aware of this woman's presence in his life. I think if you approach it this way, then it can remind him what's at stake and reel him back in, or on the other hand if he lies and cheats anyway you have no doubt that he needs to be booted from your life.

    I hope for your sake it's just something innocent.

    ETA: I'd also add that I think you're quite within your rights to say to your DH that given your shared last, you feel uncomfortable and would like to know if he's going to see this woman and would like to know how he knows her. You'll be able to tell a lot from his responses to that.
    Last edited by harvs; 11-11-2013 at 14:08.

  10. #48
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    I would be straight up asking him.

    He chose to cheat in the past, your trust issues are on him.

    If its innocent then he shouldnt mind you asking.

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    When was the text dated? If it was in the last few days why don't you ask him how his week has been and whether he's been up to anything interesting or had any new places to have lunch etc? If he doesn't mention it even when prompted I'd say suss. I think it's suss personally anyway.

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  14. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beefie View Post
    what could go wrong if i just asked him who the woman is?

    "hey dh, dd was playing in ur text mesgs...whos "name"?
    Will he think i was snooping and just used dd for cover?
    i dont want this to all blow up if it was just...nothing.
    Who cares if he thinks you are snooping. Seriously, cheating on someone not once but twice, he should almost expect a bit of snooping, it's human nature. But if so, just be honest.

    Dd opened the message- I saw it. Stop deflecting please and tell me who x is.

    Actually, if he does immediately deflect your q I'd be even more sus. Good luck, hopefully it's nothing sinister and you can put your mind at ease.

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