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  1. #11
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    I have been in your exact position, right down to the ***** who got pregnant ASAP and DS has a half-brother only 7 months younger. I have raised DS on my own from day one, my ex and I split right around the time we finally started our first cycle of IVF, to which I fell pregnant.

    Basically, I felt/feel the same as you. I made it clear that I would be calling the shots with regard to visitation and sleepovers. DS has only ever had a few sleepovers to date. I am incredibly protective of DS and want him sleeping in his own house/own bed every night. Stability is so important.

    DS is 3 now and I have only just started allowing him to stay at daddy's for the night occasionally, because I feel in my heart he wants to and is ready, not to mention he can actually express his thoughts in words and says he wants to - he loves daddy and everything else aside his dad is very affectionate and gentle with DS and does everything with DS when he has him. It helps that I still get along great with his family and they all adore DS and are often there when he is with his dad. None of them ever mention the s.kank to me, ever! Which also helps

    Basically, having been there myself, it's been very important that I am given the respect to make the call regarding sleepovers with DS. His dad cut back to just the one day per fortnight when his other son approached toddlerhood, so I did not allow night sleepovers at all because he wasn't spending enough time with DS! I didn't want DS waking during the night and being frightened (he always comes into bed with me but I doubt he would do that at his dads!). His dad assured me he would go in and sleep with DS if he woke, but how would he know? I didnt feel comfortable with it at all. DS is a quiet child and would just lie there, he would never cry out if he was frightened, so there's no way I felt comfortable with it until now.

    Anyway, lately he sleeps through and doesn't usually come into my bed until morning, so that, combined with the fact he expresses his desire to stay at daddy's means that I now feel quite fine about him sleeping there for a night here and there.

    I feel that if you are feeling the way you are right now, it's not the best time to start sleepovers, and as for alone visits in the day, start eith short, 2-3 hour ines. be firm and assure their dad you are thinking only about the boys. One good thing is that the boys have each other when they go there. Message me if you want to chat about anything else - I've been exactly where you are (I'm there now!).

  2. #12
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    Fleetwood, my heart broke a little for you reading that. I find it incredibly sad the someone else has had to go through this exact situation, it's just awful. Right down to us using IVF for DS1 too, so thought we both wanted to be truly dedicated parents.

    I thank-you for your detailed post, it was very helpful and I'll definitely message you x

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    Ellewood  (11-11-2013)

  4. #13
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    Just dropping in to this thread to let you know that YOU BLOW ME AWAY!!! You are so amazing and selfless. I know it must kill you inside to foster a relationship between the boys and their Dad, yet you manage to rise above it and do it. I just know that one day your boys will be so thankful to you. xxx

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    Aaaww, thanks GirlsRock, that's so sweet

  6. #15
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    Yes agree with pp re waiting until your DS is a lot older and doing short visits regularly.

    My 4y.o DS has never stayed over with his Dad yet. I don't entirely trust his Dad would look after him well enough and his old hag of a GF interferes and takes over too much. I'm really lucky that his Dad and gf moved to VIC early last year so DS has only seen him via Skype and IRL three times since they moved. Before that the visits ranged from 2-7hrs on a weekend day that suited his Dad and I.
    Until DS is a lot older and asking to stay with his Dad, there won't be overnight stays


    Single mummy to a wonderful DS (Born 11/12/2008)

  7. #16
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    I just wanted to add, Prof Alan Hay (sp?) has put out some recent research on this topic. It supports the notion that children need one primary caregiver for good emotional development. I haven't spent time looking for it but I will when I have time. A family court consultant friend told me to check it out.

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    Pesca77  (13-11-2013)

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    It's great to see this topic!
    My ex husband is wanting to start overnight stays when my son is 2, but depending on how mature emotionally he is, but otherwise starting when he is 3. The first few times he stays, I will also stay the night, then the next few times, stay nearby. My ex is in melb, and we are in Sydney, so when he comes to stay, he stays with his parents 2 hours away, so it's not as if he will be just nearby, and its not as if my son is at his parents all the time, so will be quite an unfamiliar location.
    This co parenting thing is hard! Sometimes I wish ex would just pay child support and never see us!!

  10. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by KateSc View Post
    It's great to see this topic!
    My ex husband is wanting to start overnight stays when my son is 2, but depending on how mature emotionally he is, but otherwise starting when he is 3. The first few times he stays, I will also stay the night, then the next few times, stay nearby. My ex is in melb, and we are in Sydney, so when he comes to stay, he stays with his parents 2 hours away, so it's not as if he will be just nearby, and its not as if my son is at his parents all the time, so will be quite an unfamiliar location.
    This co parenting thing is hard! Sometimes I wish ex would just pay child support and never see us!!
    Whose best interests will this be in when your child is 2 or 3? Your child will have some connection to his dad but his dad is not seeing him regularly if he is living in Melbourne. (When I say regularly I mean short visits 2-3 times per week). Taking a 2 or 3 year old out of his night time environment to one which is unfamiliar to me is not in the best interests of the child. To me it's the secondary caregiver thinking about their own needs and wants. What does a small child get from having this type of overnight? Probably not much more than a dose of anxiety. [I'm angered over past silly law court decisions and primary caregivers who feel they have to handover small children even when it goes against every fibre of their being. I'm also angered that parents feel they have a 'right' to their 'share of time' even if its not the best thing for the little ones. Grrr.].

    *Just wanted to add, I hope this doesn't read like i'm having a go at you because I am definitely not. I just find it stupid that a parent who lives in another state thinks its ok to have a 2-3 year old child for an overnight visit in an unfamiliar environment*
    Last edited by BbBbBh; 13-11-2013 at 23:03. Reason: Explanation

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    Pesca77  (14-11-2013)


 

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