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  1. #1
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    Default How to forgive someone?

    Hi I need advice on this situation and im not sure where to put this so I do aploigise in advance. So a lil about the situation im trying to forgive someone who has hurt me so much and has neally destroyed my family too. But im feeling its time to forgive and allow this person back in my life but having trouble how this person meant alot to me and I miss them heaps but they did alot of things wrong so how do I move on from this??

    from mummy with two cheeky monkey's and one more on the way!

  2. #2
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    Pregalicious is offline "Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple."
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    Forgiving is hard...well done to you for being ready to do so and also wanting to do so

    For me, I have forgiven when it has felt right, when it wasnt forced upon me and when I genuinely felt like I had moved on.
    I think when that's the case the way forward in the friendship or relationship becomes a bit clearer to you

    Sent from my ZTE T82

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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    In my experience, forgiveness is as simple as a choice BUT you have to be ready to do so. For me, it just feels right when I'm ready. I do know that perhaps I err on the side of too forgiving. Once the choice has been made, then I think talking through issues is important, in as calm a way as possible: 'this is how I felt when this happened'. If you can take out 'you did such and such' and replace it with just the facts ie the events and your feelings it can help the conversation stay on track. Also, sometimes forgiveness is better achieved when you can understand why events happened.

    Sometimes people need to feel that the other party is sufficiently remorseful before they will forgive. This always makes me think of that phrase that goes something like 'resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'. Bearing a grudge only hurts yourself in the long run. I think forgiveness is a remarkably liberating place - it doesn't mean the relationship will be the same as it was, but that you will be more peaceful in yourself.

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    I've just been through a similar situation. Had a big argument with MIL and hadn't spoken to her in over a year, DH thought she was completely in the wrong and took my side so he wasn't making an effort to talk to her either as a result she had seen DD a handful of times in a year.
    Anyway she eventually made the first move and asked me if we could talk, at that point I had to decided to forgive her for my family's sake.
    Someone told me that to forgive doesnt mean to forget or to be 'best buddies' it's a conscious effort to put negative feelings of anger resentment and hurt behind you and give the person a chance to make things right. I suggest putting in place boundaries and keeping things polite and seeing where it goes...
    After I had a tough chat with MIL I felt great, I had let go of all those ugly feelings and felt like I was free.

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    My only concern is that this person did alot wrong bad things and made my life a living hell when they were in my life as this person loves be surrounded and isnt surrounded by drama makes drama and the fact that im the only one that has ever stood up to this person they didnt like it but there not sorry and has made it clear and I sometimes think that this person doesnt deserve to have me or my family in ours lives as this person tried in everyway to take them away out of spite and me standing up for my family and myself and im trying to big the bigger person but in saying that I find it hard to forgive as Im the only one trying.if this person had a reason to do what they did to me and my family I would understand but I did nothing wrong which confuses me because this person meant alot to me. I jist dont understand why this person is so determined to cause so much problems when all I wanna do is the best for mu family and be a adult about this. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. Thank yous all for the advice but how do I go about this its really upsetting me and getting to me

    from mummy with two cheeky monkey's and one more on the way!

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    In those circumstances I wouldn't forgive them. I'll forgive a lot but harming my family is completely not on. Good luck , the trust will have to be rebuilt and everyone has to be open, honest and willing (and it doesn't sound like they are ready yet), you might have to give it more time.


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    Do you want to forgive them for your benefit, theirs or your family's? If you want to do it for your own inner peace, I think you can make that deal with yourself without having to reach out to the person to let them know.

    If you want to do it for their benefit (ie, to make them feel better), not sure why you would want to (maybe to keep the peace?) then reach out to them but keep in mind they may react jerkishly since they do seem to behave like a bit of a jerk!

    If its for your family's sake, as in someone in your family wants you to do it so THEY feel better, just make sure it's some big YOU want too.

    Make sure you aren't lining yourself up for more pain if you do forgive the person. Hope all of this makes sense!

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    I have a similar situation. To do with my husbands family I won't go into it, but ultimately they aren't sorry for all the things they said and did, and I don't have anything to do with them and I never will but I have let the feelings and the pain go from my life. I haven't forgiven them because what they did is completely and utterly unforgivable but I have decided to not let it affect my life anymore. It's taken over 5 years for me to get to this stage

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    Its for my family they enjoyed this person in there lives but this person also hurt my family to the point of splitting them up meaning the family I built and im very scared that this person will do it again.
    and I would be doing this for them but in saying that I would be risking of loosing them so its easier to understand its my sister in law and my partner misses her but she tried to take our children away and lied and caused me and my partner to split a few times then he realized that she did this and its takin us so long to sort it out and realized that she lied and I never ever said he had to choose or anything I would never make him do such a thing like that but she made it very clear to him that it was her or me and he said to her at his on will me and then he only told me this recently and I told him I never wanted this that all I wanted was for us to get along and for her to stop trying to replace me and that I love her brother very much. Then a few days ago he said that he misses her and wanted to ring her to see hows shes doing but she wont except me and now shes put the guilt trip saying it was my fault when I didnt have anything to do with until she tried to take my children away from us which I would not allow no matter who it is. Im scared that shes going to try and replace me and try to take my family again but dont want to lose my dh because she cant except that he has choosen to be with me.
    from mummy with two cheeky monkey's and one more on the way!

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    Hmmm that's a hard one. I'd still be very cautious about it.
    I'm sure your partner won't forget what happened easily, so could it be more he mets up with her first and see what happens ie what she says or does.


    Single mummy to a wonderful DS (Born 11/12/2008)


 

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