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  1. #21
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    Okay, that would upset me too. He can't have it both ways. No way would I cook the nights I was working. I hope you can come to a fair arrangement.

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    We've had the same argument since i went back to work after having my first bub...'i work less hours so should have to do everything around the house' (DH)

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    In my household, we both work. I work full time, DH works casually and looks after DS while I'm at work during the day.

    We both do housework, we both take care of DS's needs, sometimes I cook, sometimes DH cooks. We share the workload. Both parties need to be respectful of what the other does. "That's YOUR job" is a phrase we don't use in our house - we simply do what needs to be done.

    I can now see why you are upset OP, because he really isn't helping enough with the kids. Working full time isn't an excuse to not contribute to the running of a household.

    Tell him you can take on more work, but only if he acknowledges that you will no longer be a SAHP and therefore need him to help around the house.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by loislane2010 View Post
    I was doing 20ish hours a week before i stopped working (i dont like saying i lost my job cause i didnt, the boss died). I was working 5 nights per week from 5-9/9.30pm. Yes i could do it (i could easily find another job with similar hours) but i dont want to. It was so hard. DH wont cook dinner on the nights i work, we wont do any laundry/tidying etc, i still have to do everything around the house. So this would be my typical day, wake up at 6am (or earlier if the kids wake up, i have to get up cos DH gets annoyed if the kids interfere with his morning routine), make kindy lunch, drop DD at kindy, do something with DS, DS naps til kindy pick up, pick up DD, come home and organise dinner, do some laundry, DH gets home at 4.45pm, i leave at 5pm, work til 9-930pm, home by 10pm, shower, bed then do it all again the next day.

    Ive tried to get DH to cook the nights im at work and he gets annoyed ('ive worked all day, i shouldnt have to do home stuff, thats your job').

    DH has always said he is the provider and im the mum/home keeper but now i have to be the homekeeper/mum AND provide financially. I feel like theres all this pressure on me to provide financially as well has do everything i normally do.
    Hugs. This is EXACTLY the same as my XH was. He was only going to be happy with me working fulltime (anything less "doesn't count"), and I would still have had to do every single thing around the house. I worked part time for years between children, and nothing changed, his attitude didn't change, he still whinged about money. So after my third baby, I refused to work.

    However #1- we lived within our means. Throwing your arms up in the air and saying "oh well, we'll just accumulate a debt and deal with it later" is a very dangerous attitude to have, and IMO, selfish. If you find a way to manage on 50k, then go for it, stay at home. But if you cannot fund your lifestyle then I really think you should be helping with an income.

    However #2- my refusal to work made my XH resent me, and is a big part of why he walked out. But he was an @rsehole anyway, he did me a favour by leaving, so I don't care. I just wanted to say be careful.

    Good luck.

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    I think you need to assess your financial situation and if you both jointly decide you need the extra income then DH also has to step up and help out around the house. My husband and I both work full time but our 3 kids are only in care 24 hours a week (to save money) so I work night shift 4 nights a week 10 hours a shift including every weekend and DH works week days only. He does the bulk of the child care and cleaning on weekends and we both share mon-we'd when I'm working and thurs/fri I do the bulk of it. It's damn hard (especially as I'm 28 weeks pregnant) but its doable.

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    Thanks for clarifying. I understand your response more now. I still think you may need to be willing to work, but I agree it'll be totally unsustainable and detrimental for you to continue to do all home duties. I know firsthand now frustrating these negotiations can be. The best advice I can give is to both remember the true meaning of the word compromise is 'win/win'. So, perhaps setting goals as a family could be a starting point, and then you could discuss how to meet these?

    Yours might be to remain well-rested/prioritise your mental well being. His might be to increase income to x amount. So how you could you achieve both of those things? If you approach it with these goals in mind, he would have to concede that what he is proposing will not work. Good luck!

    FWIW I don't believe you are overreacting or being emotional.

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    What you want is just as important as what he wants. And you are both entitled to change your mind, the other doesn't have to like it but DOES have to respect it & you both have to come to a compromise. Ask him why he feels your family needs more money. What is he not doing ATM that he wants to that would cost additional money?

    I hear you, I get it! I've actually done what he is suggesting you do (work all hours of the night & be a full-time mum as well) and it SUCKS!!! I hated my life & have nothing to show for all those late nights just so we could get steak instead of mince. It's not worth it. Takes it's toll on you, your kids AND your relationship.

    If you really need the money, I'd be looking for 1-2 full days work (9hrs) & put the kids in a family daycare. Then it might be financially worth it.


 

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