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  1. #1
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    Default So hurt by DH's comments

    Long stort short, i lost my job around 6 weeks ago (well not really lost, my boss passed away) and since then i havent really been looking for work. DH has gotten increasingly stressed about money (hes doing a traineeship and on low wages). Honestly im not worried about money, i figure so long as the mortgage is paid and we have food we are all good. So what if we get into a bit of debt, it only for another year until his wages go up and i can work during school/kindy hours.

    I got a call yesterday about a job (and old employer just randomly asked if i want a few shifts). I said yes, figuring why not. I dont want to work (im a SAHM of DD, 5 and DS, 3). Anyway i asked DH if i should take the job, just one shift/week for the next month then 2/week from then on, he said yes.

    So he got home yesterday and promptly told me 3 hours was not enough and i should get more hours.

    The thing is we decided a long time ago that putting the kids in day care was not an option so if i was going to work i have to fit in with his shifts, eg, i cant work til 5.30pm during the week. Now i dont want to be working til all hours of the night (9.30pm is as late as i want to do but 10pm is ok) but DH thinks i should be working til at least 10pm. You stay at home with the kids all day and then go to work and work til 10pm and then get woken up up at 5.30am and see how happy you are!!!

    Im just so hurt, it just felt like what im doing is not good enough. Ive never once complained about him earning low wages, i support him in what he does. But yes it is hard, we went from earning almost 100k/year to under 50k. But now its my responsibility to earn the money as well as be a full time mum.

    Of course he thinks im being an emotional female and over reacting, i dont know, maybe i am??

    Just so hurt.

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    That does sound a bit unfair, and I would be upset too OP. Maybe talk with him about it further. If he is stressing over money, it will be the main factor in his thinking. But I wouldn't want to be with the kids all day and work until late at night either.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Californication View Post
    That does sound a bit unfair, and I would be upset too OP. Maybe talk with him about it further. If he is stressing over money, it will be the main factor in his thinking. But I wouldn't want to be with the kids all day and work until late at night either.
    This.


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    You sound like you're doing a great job as it is - don't feel pressure to take on more than you are comfortable with.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Piyamj View Post
    You sound like you're doing a great job as it is - don't feel pressure to take on more than you are comfortable with.
    And see thats the thing, i could easy get a job for 20/30 hours a week but im just not willing to do that. Its just too hard. Ive recently been diagnoised bipolar and my main trigger is tiredness/sleeplessness. Im just not willing to go down that road again. Ive been doing so well (mental health wise) and theres no way im wiling to put my mental health at risk for money, theres more important things in life.!!!

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    This grabbed me:

    Honestly im not worried about money, i figure so long as the mortgage is paid and we have food we are all good. So what if we get into a bit of debt, it only for another year until his wages go up and i can work during school/kindy hours.
    If my DH said that to me I'd wrap him around a pole. Figuratively speaking! lol
    We avoid debt where we can as debt is not a good thing to get into because it can be very hard to get out of and it can have a catastrophic effect on your finances. A year is a long time to be winging it.

    You can't expect to live comfortably on mortgage payments and food alone. To remain afloat, you must have money aside for the necessary extras such as car rego, car servicing, entertainment, doctors, medicines, that unexpected bill.... If you live on the line you'll fall off it. This is probably what your DH is worried about. I know I would be.

    Making excuses is futile. You two need to talk. I'm sorry you are hurt by your DH's comments but perhaps it's something you needed to hear? Ultimately, you two need to sort out who needs what and what your priorities are. You both need to work out what is good for your family and what isn't and go from there.

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    Something has to give and for my id rather my kids spent time in day care so I could work to provide a stable income for the long term future.. Just my 2cents

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    If you have said to him the same things that you have written here, I can understand why he is stressing out. It's when my DH is unconcerned about money, that I have panic attacks about it.

    In the last couple of weeks our fridge has died, our TV has stopped working, my DH has dropped his phone and his screen doesn't work, we have been in our car accident where it hasn't been worked out who is at fault, we have had to pay for a week of swimming lessons for DS1 that is compulsory at his school, and we are looking to get a new car because the one we have now isn't going to last much longer. We are earning a lot more than your DH, and we are struggling to work out where we will get all this money from once we have paid our bills and put food on the table. This sort of stuff happens all the time and once you get into debt, it is really hard to get out of it.

    I am not saying that you need to go back to work because I don't know your financial situation. However, you both need to sit down and talk about this, and be totally prepared to hear the other side.

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    hi loislane, perhaps he is not aware how he has made you feel?? I know many men only see things in black and white, and when it comes to money they can focus on only that. He needs to realise how you feel about your work situation, and about being with the children. You have your health and your family time as your priority, and he is seeing money as the important thing. Communicate clearly and try to understand each other. You are both entitled to your feelings, and you may need to come to a compromise. Marie.

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    Though one!
    I think he's in his right to be stressed about money, he sounds like he's not communicating very well tho.
    I think you are right to feel like there's too much expectation you, to take care of the kids and work full time.
    As I see it you both need to communicate your worries and plans to each other and come to an agreement.


 

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