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  1. #111
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    It sounds like you have that with your dad though if he helps where he can. That's all we do - everyone works fulltime and some on weekends. I still consider it help even if sometimes it's not as often as my family would like.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    It sounds like you have that with your dad though if he helps where he can. That's all we do - everyone works fulltime and some on weekends. I still consider it help even if sometimes it's not as often as my family would like.
    Yeah, he doesnt babysit though. And he lives 3 hours away.

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  3. #113
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    I think I understand where you're coming from OP.

    In the first year of parenting, hearing what friends with bubs were doing made me question whether I was going about it the wrong way. For example, I caught up with two friends (similar age bubs) and they both said that when their baby was sick or teething, their Mum would take the time off work and they would do shifts to look after bub.

    I found this, amongst other things that friends did, quite strange. But, as time has gone on, I've realised that I am quite cruisey when it comes to parenting and, as an example, if dd is sick I just go with it... I don't feel like I need help. This doesn't make me better or anything, it's just yet another thing that one parent may do different to another.

  4. #114
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfish30 View Post
    I didn't take offence reading your post, but have you ever considered that rather than needing help to get the children ready to school, the family just enjoys having the grandmother as part of their daily routine? I think it's lovely that the grandmother can participate and the mother is clearly happy to have her around. Maybe being able to have a shower in peace in the morning is just a bonus for this family?
    I take it this way as well. My MIL seriously loves helping, she would not be able to come over and not have a job to do or bring a meal and lives to look after our nephews. I know I drive her crazy or hurt her feelings because I often want to be left to do things on my own (sometimes to my own detriment--I should just accept the friggin' help sometimes!) whereas my SIL accepts her help or asks her to do things all the time, and I know she loves it. We've all now moved overseas (SIL included) and DH and I have commented that we worry what she'll do with her time with no children or grandchildren to dote on.

  5. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cicho View Post
    Gee you don't want to say that out loud. Someone may get offended

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    Cicho,
    your a grown woman so I'm going to explain myself once again. I first came to bubhub 4 yrs ago when I was in the depths of a very serious battle with PND. Bubhub was a place I came to because I was isolated, scared and alone and it was my attempt to reach out and find some sort of support that I was clearly lacking in real life.

    I am not offended by your post in the slightest, despite my little hissy fit which I will explain about later. Although I did have a mother, she isnt really a warm, caring or supportive person and in fact mostly she thinks along the same lines as you. She is a tough love woman and up until I had children, that was fine. I was independant, well travelled and put myself though university and had an amazing career which I achieved all on my own without any help. This fitted my mum's view of the world perfectly... That she had raised this capable daughter that could do it on her own.

    After the birth of my children, my whole life changed. I believe if you search my previous posts you may witness how deeply PND touched my life and how far I fell. Your initial post touched a nerve because I recognise there are hundreds of other women on here like me. They found this site because things aren't going so well and they are locked in their own little battles with depression, anxiety, etc and they are seeking support, comfort.... An "online village" if you will. And they are vulnerable, raw and barely holding on.

    I'm all for a discussion or debate. But there were certain phrases, the tone of your post whether it was purposeful or not.... It could have the potential to make one of these vulnerable women feel worse about their already fragile perceptions of themselves as mothers.

    does that make more sense?

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  7. #116
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cicho View Post
    Yeah, he doesnt babysit though. And he lives 3 hours away.

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    having a village isn't about babysitting though. I still consider one set of my grandparents as part of my village and they're interstate. Other set of grandparents I feel I barely know because they felt when mum had kids they shouldn't have to contribute anything because "they raised their kids". I'm not close with them at all.

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  9. #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    having a village isn't about babysitting though. I still consider one set of my grandparents as part of my village and they're interstate. Other set of grandparents I feel I barely know because they felt when mum had kids they shouldn't have to contribute anything because "they raised their kids". I'm not close with them at all.
    Your right. My village consisted of daycare teachers, cleaners, ironing ladies, coles online delivery. I ran my own business and even had my staff making easter bonnets and various other things that my kids required for special days at daycare. I had a staff members organise my kids birthday parties even. That was my village. Do I feel guilty? At that point in my life I did what I had to do. I had to work. We moved to north qld 5 years ago as an oportunity came my way in my field and it meant earning an incredible amount of money in a short period of time. I required that amount of help to make this happen and im grateful it was there. Im now back being a sahm after moving back home and im loving it. Because we are now back around family and friends I get offered lots of help now im 36 utd and a mother to 2 already I refuse it all. Why? Because ive missed being a full time mummy and its the reason I out souced everything for 5 years to get back to being a mummy and not having any financial burdens. Im now part of the village again and have my neices twice a week so my sil can work. I cater the parties for everyone and organise the cakes now so my family and friends can work help out at the school and mow my sil lawn every fortnight. What goes around comes around.

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  10. #118
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    I took the OP's use of the word 'help' to not refer to daycare etc, but to refer to having someone there helping you, *as well as* you. So if grandma comes over in the morning to dress one kid while you dress the other, and not because she likes to, but because you NEED her to.

    To answer your question OP, no I don't need the above kind of help.

    I have a friend who NEEDS this help every day, and consider there is no PND or other extenuating circumstances, I must admit I don't understand it.

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  12. #119
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    rainbow road is offline look at the stars, look how they shine for you
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    I have a village. We moved house to be closer to it when I fell pregnant.

    While I don't want to use it constantly, having it close by makes me a little less terrified about having a baby!

    Even now, if DPs working night shift, mum will often invite me for dinner and drop me home. Sure I could cook for myself (and I do) but mum enjoys cooking for others, I enjoy seeing my family and don't always like being alone!

    I know when bub is born mil and mum will be fighting to take him off our hands! Even though I expect I will turn down offers of extended babysitting while he's little, I won't hesitate to ask mil to take him for an hour or so while I shower, or have a nap etc.

    It's how I grew up though. My mum was 17 and worked full time when she had me and I was raised by her as well as my grandparents and my great grandma... I don't see accepting help as weak, anymore than I see not accepting help (if you don't want of need to) as weak.

    Different strokes right? If everyone is happy with an arrangement then what's not to like?

  13. #120
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    I took the OP's use of the word 'help' to not refer to daycare etc, but to refer to having someone there helping you, *as well as* you. So if grandma comes over in the morning to dress one kid while you dress the other, and not because she likes to, but because you NEED her to.

    To answer your question OP, no I don't need the above kind of help.

    I have a friend who NEEDS this help every day, and consider there is no PND or other extenuating circumstances, I must admit I don't understand it.
    I have a friend as well with no historical or present conditions that requires alot of help in the form of her parents and her mil several times a week in order for her to function. But who cares? The helps there its offered, she takes it. There is nothing to understand about it.

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