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  1. #1
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    Default Think I've made a decision

    This is my first post on this forum, and after reading all the posts in this area, it's really helped to read about others feeling the same as me, so I decided to share my story.

    This morning I did a hpt and got a bfp. I've just turned 40, have 2 beautiful girls 6 & 4, and swore I'd never have any more kids. Last year I had a termination, which was extremely difficult and though I don't regret that decision as such because it was made taking everything into consideration, I really really couldn't live with myself if I chose that option again. I feel so incredibly stupid to be back in this situation again. Birth control has been a contentious issue between DH & I for a while, and we just got careless.AF has been all over the place for me and I was wondering if I was nearing menopause as some months it's 6 -7 weeks between when I always used to be spot on 4 weeks.

    Anyway, I was feeling the same nausea as I had with the first 2 and it's been about 6 weeks since my last period so thinking it really couldn't be possible I did the test and got the shock of my life.

    DH is really struggling with the thought of having any more. He says we just won't cope. I just know that I really can't have another termination. I know I will just have to come to terms with having another baby, which scares me senseless at the age of 40. I run a business which is finally running well, our mortgage is way more than we can pay off on one salary, there are so many reasons why it's going to be so hard, but I don't see any other way.

    Thanks for listening. It really does help to write it all down.

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    KaraB  (04-11-2013)

  3. #2
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    Hugs* you are going to be fine. It takes some getting used to for sure. I was finished having children too and can totally relate. I'm slowly coming around to the idea and that's been hard when I've been under a lot of pressure to have an abortion but I know what feels right and what doesn't for me so I'm just taking it day by day at the moment and starting to feel better day by day Do you know how far along you are/ your due date yet? You could maybe come join the may due date thread, both myself and freyasmum are in a similar situation to you with unexpected, unplanned pregnancies. It's great to have someone else to talk to who understands

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    mrsd  (05-11-2013)

  5. #3
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    Just wanted to wish you all the the best, Tarella. In my experience, DHs usually come round after bub arrives - and they do have a share in the responsibility

    This little one will not be too far behind your others in age and you might find in a couple of years that you don't know what you were worried about!

    I was a bit ambivalent when I found out that we were expecting again this year - I'm 40, too. I wasn't considering termination but there would have been work ramifications and I was worried about what DH would say (he was fine!). Then we miscarried bub in July and I was devastated. I envy you!

    I hope all goes well - keep us updated!

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    KaraB  (05-11-2013)

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    We were stopping at 2. DD had the referral for the snip on the fridge and I got a BFP ( and we were using contraception). I was going to terminate and just couldn't do it. I saw the GP but just felt so empty when I left her rooms . I knew I'd regret it. I was devastated to be pregnant though and it took me until about 5 m to not cry about it. Now though DSS is 7m and the most delightful bundle of joy. He adds something to the family I didn't know was missing and not for a single second do I regret my choice. It has turned our plans upside down and inside out , it's harder, costs more, but it's all been worth it. I read somewhere that pregnancies are often not wanted. Babies rarely aren't. So true. Good luck.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    KaraB  (05-11-2013),mrsd  (05-11-2013),~Marigold~  (06-11-2013)

  9. #5
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    I never appreciated how hard an unplanned pregnancy could be until it happened to me! Chatting to others on here and reading old posts has helped me a lot. I don't doubt that dp will love and care for this baby as much as the children we already have, but I'm prepared now for the fact the love may not come until after the birth. It's not really there yet for me either. There's some sort of maternal instinct to protect this bub but I'm disconnected, it just doesn't feel real yet. I'm kind of taking it one day a time - especially as morning sickness still not gone yet. grrr. Once I get the prenatal screening out of the way and can tell people my plan is to address head on all the issues we face - or think we face - and try and figure out how we make the best of this. We are the same age and our kids are too so I can totally relate to how you must be feeling - like your head is spinning so fast you can't catch a thought??? I'm very pro-choice but my feeling is the decision cannot be rushed - unless you are absolutely sure either way. My initial reaction was no! mistake! get rid of! but then I thought of some of the reasons we had for not having another child like me getting back into work, being able to afford private schools/ travel etc seemed kind of petty compared to bringing a life into the world and as much as I know this will have a terrible impact on my career prospects as I've been SAHM for 7 years already I just think any job/travel would feel hollow if I was thinking I chose it over my child. It just feels so different to me to make a decision not have kids for xyz reasons than to abort one that has somehow managed to come into existence! But I realise this just the way I think and also I had a lot of unresolved feelings about being finished with kids which is different than when you have made the decision 100% and contraception goes wrong etc.
    Sorry think I'm rambling about me again. I hope you find a way of coming to a decision that is right for you and your family. Sounds like you are sure you should keep but need to get DH on board? How do you think your kids would take the news? My kids are baby mad but that might change when there's a live, screaming one living with us!!

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  11. #6
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    Freya I'm the same as you even though I thought I was finished having children and happy to be. I know exactly what you mean. Nothing seems worth throwing a life away like that. And they are little miracles. Right now I have a tiny human being inside of me bobbing around in there happily it's incredible really.

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    How are you going? Don't be pressured into doing anything unless you feel in your heart that it is the right thing to do.

    Would your hubby consider getting the snip now? I hear many men freak at the thought but it is supposed to be much easier than condoms or the woman bearing all the responsibility (taking the pill, tubal ligation etc).

    Hang in there...

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    KaraB  (07-11-2013)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I never appreciated how hard an unplanned pregnancy could be until it happened to me! Chatting to others on here and reading old posts has helped me a lot. I don't doubt that dp will love and care for this baby as much as the children we already have, but I'm prepared now for the fact the love may not come until after the birth. It's not really there yet for me either. There's some sort of maternal instinct to protect this bub but I'm disconnected, it just doesn't feel real yet. I'm kind of taking it one day a time - especially as morning sickness still not gone yet. grrr. Once I get the prenatal screening out of the way and can tell people my plan is to address head on all the issues we face - or think we face - and try and figure out how we make the best of this. We are the same age and our kids are too so I can totally relate to how you must be feeling - like your head is spinning so fast you can't catch a thought??? I'm very pro-choice but my feeling is the decision cannot be rushed - unless you are absolutely sure either way. My initial reaction was no! mistake! get rid of! but then I thought of some of the reasons we had for not having another child like me getting back into work, being able to afford private schools/ travel etc seemed kind of petty compared to bringing a life into the world and as much as I know this will have a terrible impact on my career prospects as I've been SAHM for 7 years already I just think any job/travel would feel hollow if I was thinking I chose it over my child. It just feels so different to me to make a decision not have kids for xyz reasons than to abort one that has somehow managed to come into existence! But I realise this just the way I think and also I had a lot of unresolved feelings about being finished with kids which is different than when you have made the decision 100% and contraception goes wrong etc.
    Sorry think I'm rambling about me again. I hope you find a way of coming to a decision that is right for you and your family. Sounds like you are sure you should keep but need to get DH on board? How do you think your kids would take the news? My kids are baby mad but that might change when there's a live, screaming one living with us!!
    This is such a beautiful post Freya, so glad you are going well xxx

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    KaraB  (07-11-2013)

  16. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I don't doubt that dp will love and care for this baby as much as the children we already have, but I'm prepared now for the fact the love may not come until after the birth. It's not really there yet for me either. There's some sort of maternal instinct to protect this bub but I'm disconnected, it just doesn't feel real
    I was exactly like this. I felt so disconnected from the whole thing. I felt no maternal instinct I just felt sick, tired and sad. I'm even ashamed to admit I even wished for a m/c
    I didn't want to tell anyone cause I couldn't handle the congratulations.
    I decided to find out the gender for this one as I didn't for the others to try an help me bond a little more and it did help and I'd say by 6m I started to feel more positive and by 9m I was very excited. It'll come eventually after the shock wears off.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    KaraB  (07-11-2013)


 

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