On the 18th oct at 3.00 am my waters broke i was 34 +1 at the time , contractions started soon after and they were 2 mins apart. Got to the hospital they monitored me and gave me a steroid shot and antibiotics in case of infection then the contractions stopped. I was 1cm dilated , 1 cm in length , thick though soft and cervix in posterior position.
I was told I could not go home , which was very hard as I have 4 children at home , I was given another steroid the next morning then antibiotics every 4 hours and told I could be in there weeks.... on thursday they said my bloods had shown my strep B which had been negative had turned positive so I was being induced Sat.
I was induced via drip on the sat it started at 7.30 and nothing happened my cervix did not dilate they had the drip up to 189 when at 8 pm she started having little heart dips so the drip was put down to 166 at that stage i was 3 cm , anterior position no change in cervix length or thickness. At 10 pm the contractions changed to my bowl area I told the midwife she said not yet then i felt my daughter falling out I was in the room alone holding my babies head while the midwife was running around calling out " help help I have a baby here" my little girl had the cord around her neck and was not crying I was rather upset.... finally she cried and I had her in my arms she breast fed straight away for a hour until she was taken to neonatal ward.
For the next 4 hours was a nightmare for me and very stressful the midwife put a drip in me , in case of bleeding though i hardly bled at all , I was left in the bed for 4 hours in bloody dirty sheet that I gave birth in with all the blood drying on me and just left for 4 hours I asked for a warm flannel to clean my self she did not give me a flannel for 3 hours and it was the flannel they had used all day to wipe my face and she just had cold water on it..... I was then let out of bed , my back was so sore from sitting in the same bed for nearlly 20 hours , i was walked to my ward she told me to carry some of my bags...... it was 3.30am Sunday before I got a warm shower. I then went sat at neonatals with my daughter.
That very day I was asked if I would like to leave I had after pains , my back was very sore and a migraine and told them no..... I tried to sleep but my room mate was making so much noise so i spent most the time in neontals , in 2 days I had 2 hours sleep then that night my room mate started yelling out she could see her bed spinning and all sudden the room was full of doctors..... I was fed up by that stage and went to neonates to sit.
Over the day she breast fed and was very alert , they had her in a human crib , gelco in her hand , monitors on her and checked for bodyheat ect. The next day was my birthday 28th October I had to go home...... I spent until 5pm at the hospital but leaving her there was heartbreaking. I remember walking in the door and feeling so detached.... was hard to try keep happy and smiling for my boys 17 , 6, 5, 4 when inside my heart was breaking also the lack of sleep was not helping.
I live 2 hour bus ride to get to see her.
Tues 29th - stayed home was very drained and in allot of pain , later that day she was shifted up to a nursery on another hospital level for babies who are not special care. Was told on the phone now shes out of the crib she can have a bath the next day.
Wed 30th - Went in at 7am via a lift , she was now out of the human crib , feeding via tube she was so sleepy and did not wake for feeds , All monitors were off her just the tube in her nose. She has a little jaundice but its not that bad to treat. Had a bad day a nurse made me feel as if i should not be there , she told me i could only hold her at feed times.... when i arrived she had done a dirty nappy and had vomit in her bed I cleaned her up and noticed she was still in the same outfit they put on her on Monday....the other nurse told me i could hold her any time and that it was good for bonding , was also told i could bath her that day but the other nurse who was rather rude said no........ I came home crying I felt hurt and angry being treated as i was not the parent. phoned the hospital and told them how i was treated that day by the nurse they assured me it would not happen again.
Thursday 31st oct - got taken in by my parents , gave her a bath , she breast fed for 20 mins then was topped up via bottle 20 mil then fed by tube for 30 mil. Left her very sleepy and snuggled in. She bottle fed for 4 bottles that day.
Friday 1st Nov - I had a day at home today needed a rest was feeling very drained was ok until late this afternoon i really did not handle being apart. Today she has fed 5 bottles 50 mil each and 20 mil via tube early this morning. Jaundice test came back that it was dropping . Was told she is heading in the right direction to get her home soon.
I thought i was holding things together but its as if im not the parent as if i have to ask permission to hold her , to touch her , my heart hurts , i look at her and want so desperately to just have her with me. I worry about bonding , i worry that she won't breast feed as last 3 days it has not worked to well. I am mentally drained , im trying to keep it together for my hubby and boys but its like a little part of me is left back in the hospital. Daily i just keep telling my self its one day closer to home.
I have done this before my son Joshua was born at 34 weeks but it does not make it any easier , with him i adored him straight away but atm i am feeling so detached i adore her and love her so much but its like im holding my breath and holding back and I do not know why....
You paint that smile on but inside your crying.......