+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    73
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked
    16
    Reviews
    0

    Default My 40 year-old brother won't leave, and won't listen to advice.

    I am really beginning to seriously resent my older brother.

    A year and a half ago he split with his partner and came to stay with me, but he is still here and has gradually moved in and is quite comfortable. He finally got back into the workforce but hated his job and quit a few months ago with promise of a new job - it hasn't happened.

    I am really angry at him as it took him ages to get this job after being out of the workforce for over a year. He never discussed staying here long-term and is making no real effort to move out and get his stuff together.

    I am a single parent of one small child and my brother has dumped all of his problems onto me. He has a young son himself that he has not really bothered seeing and his ex is immature, nasty and uses their son against him, yet he refuses to take my advice and get mediation or legal visitation rights. He is just the big victim who the world is so cruel to, and I'm sick of it.

    Furthermore, I rented this house off my mum after splitting with my ex and have been paying rent every fortnight, yet I found out my brother is paying nothing and that in fact mum gives him money. He has spent most of his life *staying* with relatives/girlfriends and never paying rent. Why does he get away with this?? He is 40 years old.

    I want him out now, but he won't leave. I cannot afford to move myself, I am studying my masters full-time, and it was agreed I could live here (paying full rent) with mum back when I became single, yet I never agreed anyone could just move in without my consent. Since when does me being a single parent mean others can freely move in and never leave?

    I don't think I'd actually have a problem if he was doing the right thing, working and making an effort to be a dad to his son, saving money and contributing to this household (just spends all his time in his room with all his electrical equipment and TV). He does very little around here, never tells me what he's doing/where he's going etc. it's basically like a hotel to him, and I feel very used.

    Mum is enabling him and always has. The amount of money she has given him over the years is phenomenal. She even wants to buy a business for him to manage (crazy, he is not as business-savvy as she thinks!). I am now a single parent who can barely afford the basics yet never ask for money.

    Its easy for my family to say its fine for him to live here - they all feel sorry for him :/ - but I'm the one living with this, not them! Furthermore, I was alone with a baby yet nine of them offered any kind if help to me at the time.

    What do I do here? Give him notice and change the locks? Every day I feel more and more resentful towards my own brother. He should never have quit his job without a contract for the new supposed job. Part of me thinks he did it to avoid paying child support (he is getting bits of cash in hand for random work he is doing although he doesn't seem to be working, probably mum is giving him the money).

    Sorry it's so long, got carried away there!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    6,095
    Thanks
    399
    Thanked
    747
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    If he is on Newstart or something like that, perhaps you could get a Centrepay form from Centrelink and fill out with an amount of rent for him to pay give him the ultimatum of either signing it or moving out.If he doesn't comply, then I suppose changing the locks is the best move.It could get messy, but if your family pressure you ... suggest he should move in with them instead. He doesn't have a job so could technically go anywhere.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to sweetseven For This Useful Post:

    sunshine80  (29-10-2013)

  4. #3
    FearlessLeader's Avatar
    FearlessLeader is offline Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    10,724
    Thanks
    2,498
    Thanked
    9,116
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    I would tell your mum that you won't be paying full rent from now on. If you're paying full rent how come you can't afford something else? Just trying to get a clearer picture of the situation. I guess as your mum is landlord, if its an informal arrangement and you haven't signed a lease and/or aren't paying market rates then I think you could be in a tough spot- you can't really kick him out of a house your mum owns unless you have a leg to stand on as a tenant. So firstly I would find out what rights you have, and then tell your mum you're only paying a percentage of what you have been paying, unless you have full use of the house again. she can either accept that, and take the smaller percentage, or get your brother to pay the remainder. She probably wont get him to pay. I have a free loader brother as well, and honestly getting resentful or trying to make things 'fair' will never work. He is never going to change and your mum is never going to stop running to his rescue. The best you can do is stop him impacting on your life.

  5. #4
    FearlessLeader's Avatar
    FearlessLeader is offline Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    10,724
    Thanks
    2,498
    Thanked
    9,116
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Also OP, be proud of yourself that you have lived your life without relying on handouts. You've managed to look after yourself and your child single handedly while his life is in tatters. Your mum is not doing him any favours by running to his aide all the time. As you said, he's 40 and his life is a mess. Try to see it as a blessing in disguise that you have been left to fend for yourself- you are clearly a much more stable an successful person than your brother, and no amount of money that your mum throws at him will change that.

  6. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to FearlessLeader For This Useful Post:

    lilypily  (30-10-2013),Little Miss Sunshine  (29-10-2013),sunshine80  (29-10-2013)

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    73
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked
    16
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I would tell your mum that you won't be paying full rent from now on. If you're paying full rent how come you can't afford something else? Just trying to get a clearer picture of the situation. I guess as your mum is landlord, if its an informal arrangement and you haven't signed a lease and/or aren't paying market rates then I think you could be in a tough spot- you can't really kick him out of a house your mum owns unless you have a leg to stand on as a tenant. So firstly I would find out what rights you have, and then tell your mum you're only paying a percentage of what you have been paying, unless you have full use of the house again. she can either accept that, and take the smaller percentage, or get your brother to pay the remainder. She probably wont get him to pay. I have a free loader brother as well, and honestly getting resentful or trying to make things 'fair' will never work. He is never going to change and your mum is never going to stop running to his rescue. The best you can do is stop him impacting on your life.
    Yes, sorry didn't explain properly but I was paying full rent when I moved in 3 years ago, then after my brother was here a couple of months I reduced my rent by a third and my brother was to pay a third. I have pets so moving here was really my only option as finding somewhere to rent as a single mum, with a dog and cat was impossible. Everything in this house is mine, my brother bought nothing, even the bed he sleeps on is my old one. He has a house interstate which he rents out, but mum even pays everything for that including rates etc. Since I'm studying now I am also paying full-time c/care fees so moving would cost thousands I won't have til I finish at the end of next year.

    Your last sentence is exactly my situation. I really don't care that mum does so much for him financially, but I am sick of being the one who is living with it, who's actually has his problems in my life every day. Mum wouldn't allow him to move in her with her all this time yet it's fine if I do? No, I'm happy to support my family from a distance but I don't want to live with it on a daily basis everyday anymore. His negativity brings me down, the fact he doesn't emerge from his bedroom til midday annoys me, the fact we are both now single parents yet he does nothing for his child I find disgusting.

  8. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    73
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked
    16
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Also OP, be proud of yourself that you have lived your life without relying on handouts. You've managed to look after yourself and your child single handedly while his life is in tatters. Your mum is not doing him any favours by running to his aide all the time. As you said, he's 40 and his life is a mess. Try to see it as a blessing in disguise that you have been left to fend for yourself- you are clearly a much more stable an successful person than your brother, and no amount of money that your mum throws at him will change that.
    That is an awesome thing to say, thank you! I never really think about it, and mum does not give me to cudos she gives my brothers, even if she thinks it.

  9. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    4,270
    Thanks
    8,177
    Thanked
    3,913
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I guess as your mum is landlord, if its an informal arrangement and you haven't signed a lease and/or aren't paying market rates then I think you could be in a tough spot- you can't really kick him out of a house your mum owns unless you have a leg to stand on as a tenant.
    As much as your situation sucks balls, unless you have an actual signed lease then legally you can't change the locks or just kick him out. But I'd be having strong words with your mum (and him).

    If you have signed a lease, kick his *** to the curb as he is an illegal tennant and tell your mum you are not putting up with his ****, if she wants to mother him then he can go live with her.


    Sounds like a ****ty situation. I wouldn't put up with it at all.

  10. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,831
    Thanks
    1,054
    Thanked
    1,214
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    It sounds like an awful situation and I would be resentful too. I think you should tell your Mum and your brother that you will be paying half the rent and he is responsible for the other half and whether he pays it or not is an issue between him and your Mum. Good luck.

  11. #9
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    6,095
    Thanks
    399
    Thanked
    747
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    In that case, I don't think there is a lot you can do. You might want to look for other rentals. Without a pressing deadline, you might get lucky. Perhaps limit yourself to two per week to avoid turnout.

    Sent from my MEDION E4002 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  12. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,706
    Thanks
    9,557
    Thanked
    12,687
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Whatever you do, if you speak with your mum focus on your want of privacy and a fair financial situation ... Don't talk about how your brother doesn't take your advice, quit his old job without having a new one, sleeps in till noon (all of which a grown adult can do and you have no control over).

    Good luck


 

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 7
    Last Post: 05-10-2013, 23:34
  2. Need advice on how to help brother..
    By FrothyFrog in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 30-08-2013, 21:44
  3. My 1 year old is scared of his big brother
    By misho in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-11-2012, 20:39

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Pyjamas.com.au
With so many gorgeous brands and styles for every season, our pyjamas, nighties, robes, sleepsuits and sleeping bags are lovely for lights out and perfect for lazy days. Get 10% off first order using code bubhub. Be quick offer ends 31/12/16.
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
Life Fertility
Life Fertility Clinic is a boutique fertility clinic located in Spring Hill, Brisbane. Our dedicated fertility and IVF specialists offer professional, holistic, personalised options for the treatment of each patient’s specific needs.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!