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  1. #1
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    Default Starting a family when 70% sure about partner

    (posting undercover)

    Have you been unsure whether your partner is 'the one' and started a family anyway? DP and I were going to be TTC soon. But I feel so frustrated I wonder if we should break up. I've been through counselling but can't really figure it out...

    We've been together 3 years. DP is 13 years older. I'm at that age when I need to start thinking about having children. DP and I currently live with in-laws as I'm studying full-time and DP has only been able to find work 2 days a week. I should be in a quite well paying job soon after uni finishes.

    DP has been depressed and won't go to counselling. We have se.x every few months and I find our se.x life completely unfulfilling. DP does not wear clean clothes every day, and has a LOT of self-confidence issues. Because DP looks unkempt all the time, I'm sometimes anxious about us being seen in public together. Think butt crack showing, greasy hair, wearing a shirt 3 sizes too small 3 days in a row. Gross. DP does not really do any activities without me.

    DP is my best friend, and our relationship does have lots of cuddles, humour, conversation and fun. DP is very kind and wants the same things in life I want.

    I resent DP for being so unkempt and for not earning enough money to support us. I worry that unless DP gets it together soon, I will always be the main breadwinner and always be battling through life without getting enough out of it for me. I feel responsible for helping DP through this difficult time, and it's exhausting. I want someone I find attractive, who I can have s.ex with regularly, and who contributes to the household. I wonder if I would even be better off as a single parent if it came to that.

    Should I cut my losses and look elsewhere? Should I give DP an ultimatum? I am looking for any words of advice or support... Thanks in advance...

  2. #2
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    It sounds to me like there are two issues here:

    Firstly, are you in love with your DP, or is he a friend that you love?

    Secondly, do you see this man as a suitable father for your child?

    Personally, to answer your question, I think the very least you should be certain about is that whether you were to stay together or split in the future, could you stand to be in each other's lives until your child/ren reaches adulthood (I'm talking for amicable custody type situations, not 'sticking it out' for your child)? Are you feeling a need for a child, or a need for a child with your DP? I do think they are two separate ideas.

    Just from reading your OP, it seems as though you know the answer to your question. I'm not sure what kind of ultimatum you could offer, tbh. I will add that bringing a child into a relationship adds serious strain, so if you do decide to TTC with this man, I would suggest trying to work together to solve the existing troubles in your relationship.

    Sorry to ask so many questions, but they were the thoughts that leapt out at me from your post.

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    I think the more appropriate question is 'Are you willing to bring a child into your current living/emotional/financial situation'. 'is it FAIR to bring a child into this situation?'

    For me the answer would be no.

    I hope i dont sound mean, i dont mean to. Its just that you sound like your not very happy with your DP.

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    I think that if you really do love him and are in love with him give him the chance to improve. Tell him what your issues are and what ever unhappiness you feel, see if he is willing to change and make some sort of change to improve the situation and set a time limit.
    If you are unhappy now children will not improve your situation with him it will probably highlight everything that frustrates you about him
    Good luck

    Sent from my GT-I9305 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    I would not TTC in those circumstances. At 45 years old it is not your job to 'mother' your dh and if he can't see the need to make changes to his personal hygiene or work ethic then I don't see it happening any time soon. It would probably be a deal breaker for me. I think at 32 you are still young and have plenty of opportunity to meet someone who has the ability to make you happy and could still have a family down the track. Ultimately, you need to work out if these issues are big enough to be a deal breaker for you.

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    I agree with both the previous posters. As wanted as a child is it puts additional stress on a relationship and those issues that you mention only get worse and exasperated once you have your child in your life as it's not only your own wants and needs that you are wanton to fufill but the wants you have for you child from their father. Think long and hard about how much of a commitment having a child together is and how the father of your child will also be in your life forever and "going it alone" won't be the case as you will need to factor him into your child's life no matter what happens between the two of you. It's a hard one but it's also a decision you get to think long and hard about before you make it happen. I wish you the best of luck.

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  12. #7
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    Sorry I should probably clarify something. If I decide to TTC without DP, I would wait for a couple of years and get myself ready financially before going to an IVF clinic to use an anon donor.

    If we do stay together, I would wait until DP is full-time employed and in better mental health before we TTC. I agree with PPs that bringing a child into the current situation is unfair.

    I guess I'm trying to figure out whether we should break up now or if I should give him more of a chance to get his mental health sorted first. I do love him, and he would be a great parent IF he's able to get his s**t together.

  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrsharvey View Post
    It sounds to me like there are two issues here:

    Firstly, are you in love with your DP, or is he a friend that you love?

    Secondly, do you see this man as a suitable father for your child?
    I love DP like a friend at the moment, I'm not IN love like before. But everyone has rough patches right? I feel like if he got his s**t together we could fall back IN love. Is that naive?

    Yes, IF he got his s**t together he would be an absolutely great parent. If he can't find a job I think he would be a good stay at home Dad - most of the depression problem is related to us living with in-laws and I do think it would improve significantly when we move out.

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    I did it and am now a happily single mum with a 6 yo

    Our relationship didn't survive having a baby but I wouldn't change anything. We are great co-parents and DD is awesome, and we both knew it would probably end up this way.

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    Quote Originally Posted by schmetterling18 View Post
    I think at 32 you are still young and have plenty of opportunity to meet someone who has the ability to make you happy and could still have a family down the track.
    Really? I feel like it's so hard to find a good partner, where are all the good men? I have to face the real possibility that I won't find anyone any time soon.

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