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  1. #1
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    Default How do you just... move past it... when it comes to disappointing family members?

    I've spoken about my dad on here a million times... and I HATE that I cannot move past the emotions that get dragged up whenever something happens regarding him.

    For those who don't know anything about the backstory, here's some bullet points to give you a brief run-down:

    *Ex-military man, who is used to being told what to do. This, in turn, had him running our family like he was the drill sergeant and we his p*ssants.
    *Chauvanist. Women are there to do as they're told.
    *Doesn't much like that I don't just sit by and be a good little girl, so we have a difficult relationship (I will vocally oppose that crap)
    *Stalked me online several times... discovering me here on BH where I was posting about my eating disorder at the time. He decided to bring this up in the car (me, him, my daughter, his new wife and her kid all in the car), saying, "So, are you still *puts fingers down throat depending to vomit*???" *laughing*
    *Only ever contacts me to get me to do something for him (usually get him someone's details or pass on a message
    *Cheated on his last wife with a 25-year-old ex-hooker (1 year younger than I was at the time).

    Now... I just discover he's with a new girl. She's 10 years, minus 1 day, older than my daughter. She is JUST 18, as of late July.

    He lives in a poor country (because he didn't want to work anymore... and he can live there cheaply forever without having to work) where women often resort to the sex trade or marrying old white men for support. I HATE that he's exploiting some poor girls crappy situation for his own filthy, creepy urges.

    I feel DIRTY and ASHAMED that I come from him. That i come from THAT.

    I just wish I felt NOTHING though. Apart from mild "ew," or something, but I HATE that is has me thinking aobut nothing else since I found out tonight. I cannot stop thinking aobut it, from feeling sick about it.

    How do you stop? How do you just stop having an emotional response? This isn't something that should be shocking to me... I know how he is... but I feel upset and disappointed in him regardless.

    I want to NOT feel that way. I want to feel mild disgust but that's it. Like I would if I was reading this thread that someone else posted.

    Also... BARELY 18? Are you freaking serious?! How revolting can you get.

  2. #2
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    Wow. I have no advice just enormous amounts of *hugs* . I can't imagine how I'd feel if it were my dad. I think I'd be feeling a lot like you.

  3. #3
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    TBH if he was my father I would walk away and cut off all contact.

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  5. #4
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    Zombie_eyes is offline Formerly Diamondeyes
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    Ohh!!

    *hugs*

    Disgusting.
    I dont know how youcould het past it. Maybe cut ties for a good long while??


    Mumma to two beautiful boys on the spectrum and one special little girl.

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    Do we have the same father..? My dad married a bar girl in Thailand almost 30 years younger than him and they have a 4.5yo - he's 60 and not even legally divorced from my mum here in Aus.

    I cut all contact 4 years ago. Best thing I've ever done. Every time we spoke it I'd be told that no one cares about him.. Everyone is selfish, no one remembers all the good he's done in the past. Even when he would visit when we were still in contact it was beyond stressful. He would go out until stupid hours while living with us. Drink ridiculous amount of alcohol and fall asleep on the train home then wake up at the end of the train line.

    He has 4 children to 3 different women living in 3 different countries.

    Anyhow - after my semi rant - my advice would be to leave him be.

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    I honestly don't think I could move past it unless I basically disowned him.

  8. #7
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    FearlessLeader is offline Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
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    at the very least I would hide him from my newsfeed. I don't know what else to suggest.

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    It's probably not helpful to you but I have found that if I stand back and look at the behaviour I can feel empathy for the person and actually feel a bit sorry for them. Imagine living like that, imagine not have the insight that your behaviour is foolish, imagine not having an understanding about your own daughters eating disorder, imagine not having the respect of your child. I know when I look at things from this perspective, it takes the power out of it and the hurt. It doesn't mean I accept the behaviour or make allowances, it just means i'm not as affected by it.

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  11. #9
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    Thanks everyone.

    I'm not sure what to do... to cut him off entirely... I don't know if I could. I still love him, cos he's my dad. I also think I desperately want his approval and praise. And for him to really mean it (so far I don't think any that I have gotten from him was "real," if that makes sense). It's pretty pathetic really to be a grown woman but want your dad to tell you that he's proud of you or whatever.

    I have to go do something to de-stress. My anxiety is going nuts... I can feel all that adrenaline running around my body. I'm so annoyed that I've let it flare up... I can usually control it better.

    Blergh.

  12. #10
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    To be honest, I think the only thing to do is cut him loose. I know it must be hard because he is your father and your DD's grandfather but it really sounds like the only thing this relationship offers you is pain.


 

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