I've been feeling rather low for a while- actually I've been quite depressed since everything started to go wrong in life.
My daughter who we were trying so hard to conceive, was born 3 months early in November 2011. She has so many appointments with health care providers. At nearly two she sees 8 specialists, and that doesn't include normal gp visits which she has a lot of!
We have suffered losses as well. The most difficult being in May with my ectopic pregnancy at 8 weeks. I should have been 4 weeks behind my sister in law who is nearly ready to have my niece. We will be out of the country for it but I am scared I won't be able to bond with my niece. I will probably be too scared and upset to hold her.
I really hate the person loss and grief has turned me in to. the loss of pregnancies- only getting to 29 weeks, not being able to enjoy the last part, the loss of a natural birth, no baby shower, no friends or family visiting as they didn't know what to say. it was hard. Now I have been told we are high risk and we shouldn't even try for another baby. I'm hanging up my reproductive cape as they think history will repeat even earlier and a baby and myself will die, leaving my 2yo and husband with out a mother. I am grieving the fact that I'll never see those pretty two lines again- never grow a huge belly and get to term again.
I wish things were different.
Grief and loss change you forever. So does a nicu journey. I don't like the person I've become.
Sorry for babbling- just needed to get it out.