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    Default Freaking out unreasonably when dh drinks due to my childhood

    My mother was alcoholic. Our father died before I was born. Mum never physically hurt us. Mostly emotional, also emotional blackmail. Then slept heaps and would be starry eyed. She often had falls, one resulting in a blood clot in her brain requiring surgery and rehabilitation to gain control of her muscles etc. I was 14 then. We had to live with friends and go to a new school until she recovered.
    She died when I was 20. She had cirrhosis of the liver.

    I drink, very rarely. First time getting drunk was at age 28. Maybe a few times after that. I am now 37. Might have alcohol once very three months, and not get drunk at all.
    Dh doesn't drink a lot. He may go out twice a year. I always try to prepare myself ahead of time and try to self talk that it's ok for him to drink as he doesn't getting totally sloshed. I try remind myself he is an adult capable of making decisions,
    But , without fail, comes the day of his going out and I make nasty unnecessary comments about him going out and coming home drunk. I am like a crazy person. Then I feel even more angry because he makes no effort it even reassure me. He doesn't know what it was like for my sister and I growing up. The uncertainty, the embarrassment, the sadness and rejection. So why would I expect him to understand.
    Kinda at a loss....

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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    I'm sure he knows your history but have you spoken to him about how each event triggers you? and have you told him what you have told us about how you feel like your reaction is something that you can't control?

    It seems so natural that alcohol would be a really sensitive issue for you, but it is really important to try to remember that your husband has a very different relationship with alcohol than your mum did.

    Have you been to see a counsellor about this?

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    Haven't really talked much to any counsellors about it. Never realised how much it really affects me til recently. I have done kinesiology on a totally different issue and was amazed with the result so am considering trying it again

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    Your childhood sounds like mine! Me and my younger sister, Alcoholic mum, no dad ( mine left) lots of emotional abuse. ..even the falls. Anyway, I don't drink. 1-2 a year and only a glass of wine. Lucky for me DH never drinks. I'm guessing the feeling you have when your DH drinks is the same feeling you'd have as a kid when you knew your mum was drunk. I'd use positive affirmations and the working to change the negative thought process. If you've seen councilors you'd have done this. Problem : upset when DH drinks. Felings: anxious, sad etc. Negative thoughts: DH will be wasted. What does this mean to me. : ?????? Positive affirmation: etc. Have you done this type of work before? Talk to your counselor about it. Big hugs OP . Having an emotionally abusive alcoholic mother raise you alone is so damaging. I know all about it.

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    Last edited by CleverClogs; 06-10-2013 at 22:17.

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    Does your husband know the specific details of your childhood & the feelings you felt etc? I think it's important to explain to him that it's not necessarily *him* that you are angry with, it's the situation that brings up lots of emotions & anger for you.

    My cousin has issues with alcohol, she has done many horrible things to her family & I'm sure there are many things we don't know about & things that her children have seen that we will never know about... However every single time she has alcohol, her son absolutely loses it!!! It's normal to associate alcohol with bad experiences if that is what you have been exposed to & if alcohol triggers this behavior.


 

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