So I find myself in this predicament of trying to decide whether to have this unplanned, unexpected pregnancy. My mind is spinning round so my sister suggested coming here and writing this down so I can put things in perspective and also get some advice from woman who have been here, done this and have the T-shirt.
I apologise for the length of this.
I'm married, 15 years this year, the marriage is failing and has been for some time. We have 3 daughters, 2 teenagers and a surprise 5 years ago. I'm not on any contraception and haven't been since the birth of DD3. I track my cycle and use condoms during ovulation period. Condom broke and it seems the morning after pill has failed me too. My period was due 2/10/13 and got a faint positive on the 4/10. My period is never late every 26 days she arrives. I could set my watch to her.
Now for the last 5 years well even before that my husband was sure I was going to trick him into having another baby. When I fell pregnant with DD3 he was determined we were not having a baby and we made an appointment to terminate. I couldn't do it so we ended up with DD3, he warmed up to the idea and loves her more than anything, probably more than our other daughters because he has more time to spend with her then he did them. He was working long days to support us when we had babies as teenagers.
Since then our marriage has grown worse though. We don't talk about anything important, we spend little to no time together. We've had date night once in 5 years and its only cause I asked him. It was his turn to ask me and I'm still waiting. Our sex life is nonexistent, if I ask him or try to cuddle into him he tells me no his not feeling it, or his too tired or just plain no. We only ever have sex when he wants it and its maybe once a month and its only ever when I'm close to ovulation ( I know hormones have more to do with that than anything else)
I always tell him where I am in my cycle and leave the decision about condoms to him. DTD I've even said to him "you better put a condom on or we'll be a family of 6" and he replies "we'll you should then shouldn't you"
Over the years I've ummed and ahhhed over whether to have another baby. Somedays I'd love one, other days I never want to see another one again.
My husband is determined we are finished. He said if I choose another baby our relationship would be over.I asked him to get the snip but he refuses saying "no one is cutting his balls off" I've seen 3 doctors but they all say I'm too young to have my tubes done or because I have no son maybe one day I'll want another. I'm in my early 30's so they reckon I have plenty of more baby years in me.
When I tell my husband about this pregnancy I can already hear what he will say. He will tell me he wants no kids, he will leave if I keep it. He will go on and on about how I was suppose to terminate the last one. He will say see I knew you'd do this. Like I laid down by my bloody self. I'd really rather not tell him at all but can't do that.
Can I cope with this pregnancy killing the remainder of a failing marriage. Can I be a single unemployed (I quit my job to move towns for my husbands job and have only managed to pick up casual work that lasts a few weeks here and there) mum to 4 children. What if my husband decides to be spiteful and be an a$$hole when it comes to child support (I've had no indication he would ever do this but its a question running throwing my mind) How would I feel if I get another daughter. What if I terminate and it was my much wanted son. What if I terminate and my marriage dies anyway. What if I resent my husband for the decision to terminate. How would another child affect the 3 I already have, money is tight and teenagers want money to socialise with friends. Somedays I think I'm a horrible mum because I lose my patience with my kids and yell too much and then feel horrible because they are just kids. Could I cope with another baby. Do I want to bring another baby into a failing marriage.
Argh all these thoughts just keep going round and round and I'm not finding any answers and I'm driving myself insane.
I know no one can give me the answers I need. That I have to do on my own. Thanks for reading my scattered thoughts.