Personally, being financially secure is something that's very important to me and I wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who is just never going to get their sh!t together. I would want to be able to work together towards future goals. I don't want to be worrying about finances for the rest of my life and struggling to make ends meet. So yes, the things you mentioned would bother me.
I'm certainly not saying to pick someone for their money! Just that we share the same goals of wanting financial security.
OP I can understand the fear someone may have ie: you work hard, sacrifice get your house, then meet fall in love with someone who might not have much, move in etc a few years later they leave and take half of everything YOU worked hard to get. Financial security is important to me too, no amount of love is going to help me put a roof over my babies heads... I try to balance my heart and head. Luckily for me DH and I had about the same when we met and our incomes have increased pretry much inline over the last decade. If I were to ever find myself single, a guy who is financially secure - for me is a must.
Both my mother and myself have married men without financial security and bad financial planning skills and really it hasn't made that much of a difference to our relationships other than we do our own thing "financially" while our husbands mismanage their money. When you start getting into second marriages and blended family situations you'll find Lots of couples aren't tied up financially with each other these days so if you really like the guy and he is perfect in every other way and you are able to provide for yourself financially, it is possible to still have a great relationship. My dh always has some far fetched idea that will "make him rich" but he is a great guy, kind, generous and a good father. I have my own "investments" that are separate to our relationship. My step father is just as hopeless financially but an awesome man so my mum owns her own home separately from her relationship. Both of us have sought legal advice and have things in place to protect ourselves and our partners are respectful of this.
OP, what are you brining to the table? Is it that you want someone that can take care of you, or someone that can equal your ability to contribute? It just reads a bit one sided. If I was the guy and someone was interested in my financial circumstances as a matter of priority, I would walk away.
Also, bear in mind that some people have been bequeathed their home, or their parents have purchased it as an early inheritance. This does not demonstrate that they are financially responsible, it only demonstrates that they are likely to have more money for discretionary spending. And some financial advisors advise not to purchase property as there are other ways to build wealth.
I think successful relationships are about finding the right combination of factors. I can understand your concerns, but if financial security is ruling your search, I suspect you will not find someone that makes you genuinely happy. Try to find someone that has a number of redeeming features and then assess whether their financial situation will pose a problem or not.
I completely understand the OP's concern! I don't think it's to say that she/anyone only cares about a date's financial situation, just that it's one concern among many, and a very valid one. As a single mum, you have often spent years building yourself up and developing a reasonably secure future for your kids. All that can come undone very quickly by entering into a partnership with someone who is irresponsible with money. I lost my good rental record, was served multiple eviction notices, received letters from debt collection lawyers and was never able to save a cent when with my ex. I want to buy a house one day and have an eventual comfortable retirement, which was never going to happen with him as he was so hopeless at managing finances. Like it or not, there's always a degree of financial interdependence in a live-in relationship, even if you have your own income. Personally, it's an important consideration to make when assessing any potential new partner as it caused so much grief in the past. I don't care if they don't own a house- plenty of people who do are over their heads in debt- or earn a lot of money, just that they have some direction and responsibly manage the money they do have. An old friend of mine wanted to be with me once and was always talking about all his debt (on really stupid things, like a TV) and how he can't get his drivers licence due to thousands of $ in unpaid fines and has never saved any money at all. (In his 30s). I mean come on. No matter how much I might have liked him, no way was I risking my family's future by going there!!
I understand the OP- she's been hurt before so understandably it's a big concern for any future relationship. I know if I was to end up back on the dating scene now- in my mid 30s, it'd be very important that he had a stable job and income. I'd want someone to partner with me in providing for the kids, not take on supporting an extra person as well as my kids.
My BIL is a perfect example, age 29, own apartment, own car. (Lives in parents apartment, car bought & maintained by parents) no job, - unemployed for 2 years now but has very big ambitions for what he wants to do that never come to fruition. Very generous guy- seemingly unlimited disposable income thanks to mum and dad. Goes out for dinner 5-6 times a week, expensive holidays - this guy can't manage money at all and as 100% of it is disposable he's never had to learn how. Feel sorry for anyone he ends up in a relationship with.
@Minchi Pfff whatever - the man I married had no savings whatsoever nor any assets except his fabulous intelligence and endless love for me. So you can go back in your box
Last edited by ExcuseMyFrench; 12-10-2013 at 19:08.
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