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  1. #1
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    Default Do I expect too much?

    I am a stay at home mum with a 3.5 month old. He is a pretty good night sleeper, usually only has one night feed and straight back to bed. I'd like him to go to bed earlier but I can't complain really.

    My biggest problem is that he won't nap during the day. As a result, we get about an hour or so of 'happy time' in the morning and then he's just cranky for most of the day. He sometimes goes down for a nap but won't last longer than half an hour. He wants constant attention when he's awake because he's so cranky and tired.

    So, I'm currently stuck trying to fit in eating/showering etc in when I can, which is often before he wakes up or early in the day while he's still happy and will play on his own. I also have to do housework in those times. I don't get any time for myself. I don't get to do any of the things I used to like doing before DS was born. I feel bad if I spend his 'happy time' doing housework because I feel like I should be playing with him. But then I feel guilty if I'm not doing housework because it needs to be done. I was doing uni before DS was born but I can't even do that now because I would have no time to study.

    I would really like DF to help out more with the housework but he thinks it is 'my job' because I'm at home all day and he works full time. It wouldn't kill him to vacuum or stack the dishwasher but he never does it and I don't want to ask him to. The one time I did ask him to tidy up the kitchen, while my then 6 week old DS was in the middle of a looooong feed (plus I had the flu), he just didn't do it. When I asked why he couldn't just do that one thing he said he was busy. By busy, he meant he was playing Candy Crush.

    So I haven't asked again because I know he just thinks I'm lazy for not doing all the housework myself. I know he thinks I'm lazy when he comes home from work and the house isn't clean. I don't think he expects it to be spotless but some days I just get nothing done. And he doesn't really help much with DS when he's home either. He does nappies. But if I ask him to try to put bub down for a nap he will try for a bit, then if he won't sleep he brings him back out and says he's not tired. So then I have to do it anyway. I can't trust him at bedtime because more than once I have walked in to find him fast asleep with DS in our bed in various unsafe sleeping positions. He doesn't respond when DS cries because he's such a heavy sleeper.

    I have been out ONCE since he was born, I was only gone for a few hours. DF texted me and said bub had just had a feed and was having a nap. I came home to find an overtired baby and DF trying to give him another bottle (which he didn't want or need, wasting precious EBM). Turns out his nap lasted 5 minutes. He fell asleep feeding so DF put him in his bouncer (????) then he woke up (wonder why) and he didn't bother trying to get him back to sleep. Instead he spent the next hour or so until I got home attempting to stop him from crying using any activity other than sleep. So when I got home I was handed an overtired, overstimulated baby to try to settle. He had a crap sleep that night but what does that matter when you're not the person who has to wake up to him?

    I feel like he wants to help with bub but he just doesn't try very hard and he won't listen to me when I try to tell him what DS needs. I have tried to implement a routine for sleep time but DF can't be bothered learning it so that's probably half the reason he won't nap. And he won't help with housework. Surely I can't be expected to do so much? I'd love to have as much time as he does to sit at the computer playing games. But apparently I don't get that privilege.

    Sorry for such a long rant, its 1am and bub has been asleep for hours but I'm wide awake so over it.

  2. #2
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    Sorry, I don't have a baby yet, but was wondering if df has a relationship with his mum or your mum? Maybe if it came from an "elder" he might listen to just how much work it is.
    What happens on the weekends? Is he there to see that it's non stop for you?

    I'm really sorry you're going through this, I hope you have support from other people in your life xx

  3. #3
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    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
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    Day naps make all the difference. Some options to try could be

    Laying down with bub until the fall asleep (slowly leaving earlier each time so they can fall asleep without you)

    Going for walk in pram

    Putting bub in carrier to sleep

    Good rule of thumb that worked for me was that bub shouldn't be awake more then 90min and don't let get overtired. So I would try to get ready for nappy just after an hr or so leaving 20mind to settle. Doing same routine helpt as well. We do all naps in our room, change bum, close curtains, wrap, lullaby in, lay down next to him etc. oh yeh he had to be wrap as well

  4. #4
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    Put bub in a sling when he's overtired, it will work wonders and you can go about your day and get things done.

    As for your dh, I'd be telling him to pull his head in and start being a proper husband and father. You need to speak up.

  5. #5
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    Busy-Bee is offline Offending people since before Del :D
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    Sling! Find a sling that works for you, I found a pouch style worked best for us at that age. Instead of permanently wanting to feed she was happy in the sling for a while. It also meant I had 2 hands!!

    I would also suggest going for a walk each day, just to get out of the house and so you and bubs get some fresh air. The rocking motion of the pram or sling can also help baby to sleep.

    Your DH needs to step up and start taking some responsibility. My guess is that unlike you he is still has little confidence in his ability to look after your baby but I could be wrong.

    Have you learnt to feed lying down? That might help bubs to get some sleep too. Lie down with him, nice quiet dim room and feed. I had to lay with DD and she had to have a boob in her mouth to sleep. I might be able to break away for 10 minutes or so but that was it.

    Have you tried swings? My DD wasn't the least impressed but they work for some babies.

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    PurpleButterfly4  (28-09-2013)

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    Things became much easier for me around the 5 month mark when the naps finally started improving... I was in the same boat with DH not that he refused to help per se but I felt guilty asking for help as he works long hours. I began to resent him for having it "easier than me". In the end I had a good cry to him about how I was struggling he had no real idea, and whilst it didn't really change anything it made me feel less guilty about the mess our place and my appearance had become.

    It's really good to vent I loved these sites....

    I remember I hadn't even brushed my hair in so long that it had become completely matted, pooping was a nightmare and showers didn't exist

    I really feel for you I know what it's like when the place is filthy, all the things you used to enjoy are impossible, but trust me it will not last forever
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 27-09-2013 at 08:01.

  8. #7
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    I think DF needs to lift his game and stop putting pressure on you when he's being so slack with helping out around the house and with bub.

    I would arrange an outing at least once a week for a few hours or as many as you can do (bf dependent etc..) and make sure you are booking in your own time. Not having my own time sends me bonkers and I'm not going to send myself bonkers for anyone else.

    You are just as important as everybody else in your family. Prioritise yourself for a few hours each week.

    ETA:

    if you do go out and bub is cranky then do it on a night when your DF has to getup to him too. Are you sharing night wakings? I think he needs to help with these too. If he doesn't wake then kick him and say "your turn"
    Last edited by babyla; 27-09-2013 at 08:09.

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    Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (27-09-2013)

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    Oh and when my baby discovered tv- yo gabba gabba is a particular favourite, it then opened up a blissful 20 minutes... I initially felt guilty about how much tv she watched but my god it helped.

    And yes my DH sat on his **** all weekend playing video games whilst I never ever did anything for me any more as I didn't have time. But then I started telling him (not asking) I'm going to have a bath I stink and you are going to watch the baby or I am going to kill someone lol. And he still gives me an hour on every weekend to have my time out in the bath.

    Try asking for a bit of help. You might be surprised. I was.
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 27-09-2013 at 08:07.

  11. #9
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    Short answer;
    Do you expect too much?

    No. You don't expect enough.

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    btmacxxx  (27-09-2013),Lillac  (29-09-2013),PurpleButterfly4  (28-09-2013)

  13. #10
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    Sounds like you're having a rough time.

    It's not popular with everyone but I used the Save our Sleep book with my boy and he was a great sleeper. It's not so much about the crying, it's more about timing sleeps correctly so bub is at the right level of tired and sleeps well.. With ought having to cry.

    As for hubby... Could you write a blog one day about what your day is like from waking until bed time? Then have hubby read it? Perhaps he just doesn't understand how intensive it is to look after your bub during the day.
    - are you sure hubby is judging you for a messy house though? Perhaps he doesn't really care and you are just feeling bad, thinking he must be judging you because you judge yourself?

    Every new parent has to learn somewhere. Think back to when our bubs were first born, we didnt know all the tricks about where bub slept best, when bub was hungry etc. Your hubby could just be going through the same learning curve you did. I am a bit of a routine control freak and used to get frustrated with hubby when he ignored a bit of advice I have him about bub. In hindsight I don't think he realised that one tip, which seems small to him, came from hours and hours of trial and error, strategizing etc. At the time, that was my full time job to know bub and work out strategies to ensure he was rested, happy and healthy. When hubby ignored a bit of advice I felt like he was disrespecting my job. It made me feel undervalued. It only took a few times of me saying "what would you do at work if you were the expert in a project, and a colleague ignore some advice you gave which set the project back?". Hubby got it.

    Instead of criticising hubby when he does something 'wrong' with bub I would ask hubby how he went. Let him tell you. Then ask him "oh... I've been through that would you like to know the tips I learned through trial and error?". I would then leave bub with hubby more often. There will be no way for him to learn otherwise. And you want a partner that is capable looking after bub on his own: otherwise you end up with all the caring responsibility.

    Good luck

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