1 week ago I did a test. Only cus I was still feeling nauseous after flu and had some lying around since getting new BBT (for contraceptive purposes!!!)
Faint positive, I studied my period diary and was so convinced it was false positive and probably ovarian cancer...
Fast forward 7 days and 7 positive tests, no period, I'm pretty sure somehow I am actually pregnant at 40. With sperm that somehow survived for 5 days.
Ugh here I go again obsessing about how this happened and not dealing with reality.
Since turning 40 this year I've had lots internal conflict about what was next for me, if I was 100% sure I was finished with having kids (my 2 are 4 & 6). My cycles starting changing and I'm pretty sure I was ovulating erratically. I think because of my perceived loss of fertility and unresolved feelings I wasn't as careful as I should have been. I keep telling DP he has freaky sperm cus my fertility book says it is theoretically possible for sperm to survive for 5 days but unlikely. Gees here I go again, how did it happen. I guess I feel guilty that we are in this situation. It was freaky and I had already discussed with him the difficulty I was having figuring out when I was safe (we had successfully used natural method for 4 years). But I still feel guilty that I wasn't careful enough, I should have insisted on condoms when I wasn't sure or got him to think about the snip.
I'm definitely not happy that I'm pregnant, but DP is more upset than I expected - he's pretty adaptable usually and realistically was aware that our natural method wasn't as safe, but probably like me just thought it was me heading towards menopause.
I'm pro choice, but when it comes down to it, I think that is only for other people. I know DP would prefer me to terminate. He's putting on no pressure, he understands how hard that would be for me. I've always felt that if I had an unplanned pregnancy I would go through with it unless there was major health risks or I'd been raped or something. But I'm struggling now. With my 2 kids, my only other pregnancies, I was so over the moon to be pregnant. There was trepidation, having a child for the first time major life change and then the disruption of a second child when my first was used to ruling the roost. Etc. But the overall feeling was excitement, delight. Not fear.
Ugh I just know I'm not going to terminate. I just can't do it. So I'm scared and feeling so bad that I'm making DP have another child. And there's this part of me that feels so guilty towards this little bean, I know I will love him/her no doubt, but how would they feel if they ever found out that I had been investigating a termination??
Next year my 4 year old is going to preschool 4 days a week - he just misses out on school and wants/needs more social interaction with kids. This was my time to start figuring out what I'm going to do, get back into work/study after SAHM for 6 years... We have no family in Australia, we are ok financially but even 2 kids is struggle at times with zero back up. It's all going to be so hard and that's if the baby is healthy, what if there are health problems? I don't want to deal with having another baby and I know that is how DP feels, but I also know myself and to terminate would tear me up inside. How would I ever enjoy a job or a new social life or even travel if I'm looking at my gorgeous children thinking about their sibling that I disposed of because it wasn't convenient to me, to us. I think I would be a hollow shell.
Sorry for the long ramble. Maybe this would have been more appropriate to put in my diary, but it helps to think it all through.
Has anyone been in this situation? Anyone got any advice on how to stop my head from spinning?