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  1. #1
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    Default Struggling...

    1 week ago I did a test. Only cus I was still feeling nauseous after flu and had some lying around since getting new BBT (for contraceptive purposes!!!)
    Faint positive, I studied my period diary and was so convinced it was false positive and probably ovarian cancer...
    Fast forward 7 days and 7 positive tests, no period, I'm pretty sure somehow I am actually pregnant at 40. With sperm that somehow survived for 5 days.
    Ugh here I go again obsessing about how this happened and not dealing with reality.

    Since turning 40 this year I've had lots internal conflict about what was next for me, if I was 100% sure I was finished with having kids (my 2 are 4 & 6). My cycles starting changing and I'm pretty sure I was ovulating erratically. I think because of my perceived loss of fertility and unresolved feelings I wasn't as careful as I should have been. I keep telling DP he has freaky sperm cus my fertility book says it is theoretically possible for sperm to survive for 5 days but unlikely. Gees here I go again, how did it happen. I guess I feel guilty that we are in this situation. It was freaky and I had already discussed with him the difficulty I was having figuring out when I was safe (we had successfully used natural method for 4 years). But I still feel guilty that I wasn't careful enough, I should have insisted on condoms when I wasn't sure or got him to think about the snip.

    I'm definitely not happy that I'm pregnant, but DP is more upset than I expected - he's pretty adaptable usually and realistically was aware that our natural method wasn't as safe, but probably like me just thought it was me heading towards menopause.

    I'm pro choice, but when it comes down to it, I think that is only for other people. I know DP would prefer me to terminate. He's putting on no pressure, he understands how hard that would be for me. I've always felt that if I had an unplanned pregnancy I would go through with it unless there was major health risks or I'd been raped or something. But I'm struggling now. With my 2 kids, my only other pregnancies, I was so over the moon to be pregnant. There was trepidation, having a child for the first time major life change and then the disruption of a second child when my first was used to ruling the roost. Etc. But the overall feeling was excitement, delight. Not fear.

    Ugh I just know I'm not going to terminate. I just can't do it. So I'm scared and feeling so bad that I'm making DP have another child. And there's this part of me that feels so guilty towards this little bean, I know I will love him/her no doubt, but how would they feel if they ever found out that I had been investigating a termination??

    Next year my 4 year old is going to preschool 4 days a week - he just misses out on school and wants/needs more social interaction with kids. This was my time to start figuring out what I'm going to do, get back into work/study after SAHM for 6 years... We have no family in Australia, we are ok financially but even 2 kids is struggle at times with zero back up. It's all going to be so hard and that's if the baby is healthy, what if there are health problems? I don't want to deal with having another baby and I know that is how DP feels, but I also know myself and to terminate would tear me up inside. How would I ever enjoy a job or a new social life or even travel if I'm looking at my gorgeous children thinking about their sibling that I disposed of because it wasn't convenient to me, to us. I think I would be a hollow shell.

    Sorry for the long ramble. Maybe this would have been more appropriate to put in my diary, but it helps to think it all through.

    Has anyone been in this situation? Anyone got any advice on how to stop my head from spinning?

  2. #2
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    Big hugs Freyamum. I've never been in this situation but couldn't just read and run. My advice would be to let it all sink in to start with and look realistically at the situation. What is going to be the best thing for everyone? Take some time and maybe seek some support from friends. You are facing a difficult decision and I really feel for you. Take some time to just breathe and let it all sink in.

    I would also suggest being open and honest with your partner. Keep communicating with him and don't feel pressured to do something that you don't want to do.

    More hugs from me and I hope you can find a way through this soon xxxx

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    Freyamum  (26-09-2013)

  4. #3
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    I also fell pregnant at 40, my older children were older teens who I had mostly raised myself.

    It was shocking and at the time I was also completely mortified. My first thought was termination and yet when it came down to it I couldn't do it.

    That decision didn't make the rest of the pregnancy easy though, I coped by refusing to think about it, I researched adoption even though I knew I wouldn't be adopting the baby. It was just a hard strange time.

    We were both perfectly healthy, I had no problems physically carrying her to term in a busy full time job, although I did feel very exhausted.

    When she was born, she just stole my heart the minute they put her on my chest. She was meant to be and was meant to be mine, I can't explain the joy and positive life changes she has bought to my life.

    I don't think you are probably going to enjoy your pregnancy like you did with your other 2 children, for me it was a shock that didn't wear off till birth but you will love this child, I promise.

    Don't feel bad about your feelings they are valid and normal under the circumstances.

    Good luck and stick around on the forum there is plenty of support here, I wish I had of been a member for my pregnancy ( found it after she was born)

    It will work out fine xxxxx

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    Amiedoll  (26-09-2013),Chippa  (26-09-2013),Freyamum  (26-09-2013)

  6. #4
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    Hugs freyamum. I have been in a similar situation to you.

    I fell pregnant with number 3 when my youngest was 12 months old. Totally unplanned. I cried non stop and felt sick. Told DH who had almost the same reaction to me.

    I miscarried on Christmas Day. At first I felt relief. Then sadness. Then just guilt and anger at myself.

    I carried that guilt for almost 2 years when we decided we actually did want another. Fell pregnant that month and she's currently asleep in her cot love her more than anything.

    I believe things work out the way they were intended. No advice but just hugs from someone who understands.

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  8. #5
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    Thanks all for the replies. I don't feel like I can talk to family or friends about this yet just in case we do terminate, so it is such a HUGE help to chat on here

    Mokeybear, your post really resonates with me. I've 99.9% made up my mind that I'll see this through. At this point I'd only consider the alternative if DP is so unhappy that I really worry about tearing our family apart. I don't think it will come to that as he's not putting any pressure on me. I've been reading up on the health risks and they really don't seem to be as bad as I thought. I even read that women who have a baby after 40 might live longer! Though nothing about men, but DP is so healthy. I think it's going to be a very bumpy ride but it's happened we need to just deal with it, the alternative would I believe be way more traumatic for us, well me at least. And we adore our kids so much. That is the main non health reason that we wanted to stop at 2, just to make sure they get all the love and attention they deserve. Eventhough DP just wants this to go away I think he might have regrets down the line if we took such drastic action.

    My beloved ones - I can actually really imagine what you would have gone through mentally after a miscarriage. I read today that by 42 half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. If it happens to me I will be relieved in a sense, but there would be guilt too. It's very hard I think when you have children that you adore not to have mixed feelings about unplanned pregnancy and especially loss. We wouldn't try again 100%. I'm trying to just leave it up to nature, if there is something wrong with the baby then it's not meant to be and if it sticks then we'll love it and hopefully the stress of the next 8 months (or 18 years!) won't split us up!!

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    Mokeybear  (26-09-2013)

  10. #6
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    You sound like youre in a much better state of mind now

    Hopefully your DH will be on the same page as you.

    I agree with you. What ever will be will be. Good luck for the next 8 months

  11. #7
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    I also had the if it's meant to be it will be attitude ( but was hoping for loss as terrible as that sounds ) but she was meant to be.

    My youngest son is 16, DD is now 20 months old, my head spins with the thought of all the things yet to come before she will be raised, still, I cannot imagine my life without her.

    I feel for you as I fully understand the fear and panic you are feeling but if it's meant to be, this bub will just slot into your lives

    Deep breath it will be ok probably better than ok .


 

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