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  1. #51
    jbish's Avatar
    jbish is offline “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr Seuss
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    I'd simply say today doesn't suit we'll contact you when we are free.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jbish View Post
    I'd simply say today doesn't suit we'll contact you when we are free.
    I'd say this and then if they rock up at your door and start carrying on I guess it makes your decision a bit easier about what you should do

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    I think you should reply - agreed firmly. If you can with a "we are free on x date at x time " then you and DH have a time frame to discuss and agree on your excitations and boundaries. If you can't drill down a time today, let them know you got their message and will let them know when you're free. You now control this 'meeting' - not them..

    Unfortunately I think this is one of those situations where if you ignore it, it gets worse.

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    Tough situation!!

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    I would set an alternative date for the meeting so that you can prepare yourselves & decide what your position is & what you're looking for, if anything.

    It sounds like they 'just don't get it' so maybe that's what you need to focus on when you meet with them? Calling your family for help is bizarre! Just be very firm with your position & don't budge. If you can't work anything out, I'd say that's the end of it! Family or not, you just don't want toxic ppl in your life.

    I disagree with Dr Phil though, (not that I have a clue what I'm talking about!) but I never think its fair putting the other half in charge of managing their family relationship. I just don't think one person should represent a family and one sided communication is somewhat ineffective - how can they ever understand the DIL/SIL's position if that person is kind of 'faceless' & doesnt communicate it. I do how ever think the other half should defend the DIL/SILs and your DH needs to take extra care of you during your pregnancy.

    Your inlaws sound fairly irrational & I hope you can find a solution but if not, I would say walk away & don't harbour guilt. Best of luck!

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    No advise, I'm going through this at the moment too.
    There is some great advise here that I'll be using for myself

    I hope everything gets sorted.
    Family drama is the pits.


    ~Bruins~

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    Quote Originally Posted by lilypily View Post
    You will never have a relationship with a narcissist so you just need to understand this is not a level playing field so do things your way and move on. They have no empathy and don't waste your time on this one. Minimal adult contact and do not engage in the emotion. Live your life, don't get caught in her made up world.


    Mummy of Max 2 from donor eggs from my lovely sister.
    Totally agree, in fact the word narcissists came straight into my mind reading the OP. The need for control, attention, the sense of entitlement, the inability to recognise their role in all of this and blaming you.

    Run from these people. It won't get better. I also agree with the previous comments, your DH should deal with them. He needs to make a time somewhere like a coffee shop so your IL's can't use emotional blackmail and ball and carry on. He needs to calmly set out the behaviours that have caused the rift, reinforce to them it is THEM that has caused this, then tell them never to contact your family again.

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    I hope that you have followed PP advice to decline to meet today, and choose a day and time acceptable to you.

    Honestly, they don't really sound like people you would choose to spend time with. If family members are toxic then you are not a bad person for not wanting to see them. If your DH feels guilty then he can see them on his own. There is no reason you need to go.

    I would definitely lay down some boundaries with them though. Such as DH will go to their house (or a neutral location) but due to their disrespect they are not welcome at your house. If they turn up your DH needs to not let them in or take your DD and leave the house so they can't stay. He could soften this by offering that if they are able to respect what he asks of them, say for 6 months, then he will reconsider.

    I'm betting that they won't be able to stick to his rules and then you can both stop feeling guilty as they have brought it on themselves.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    Thanks for this. I have a midwives appointment tommorrow I'll bring it up with them and have a chat. It would be fine for my family and friends to come still if I told them what room etc right? .
    If you have the confidentiality in place first then yes it should be ok. But talk to your hospital about it and what else they can do to help you.

  11. #60
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    I agree - say "sorry but today is not convenient' and set another date and time.

    Be very clear about the boundaries ... they can come when you say they can. As they have breached your trust before, they must conform to your rules to be allowed to visit.

    Definitely no hospital visit. They lost that right last time around. This time you will contact them when you are ready to see them. If they argue, stand your ground ... stand hard.

    You need to set rules, and have them stuck to .... or this will continue and get worse as the kids get older. You need to sort this out now, before they start playing the kids off against you, or using emotional blackmail/manipulation on them

    Best wishes


 

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