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  1. #331
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    It's funny- he doesn't miss his actual family because they are weird and really quite horrible people. He misses the idea of having blood relations who have your back and love you for you. He just does not have that, and knows he never will have that in his parents/family. It is such a hard thing to reconcile- he has a family, but may as well not have one if that makes sense? They don't act like a family should. I'm so glad he sees a psychologist because when I really start thinking about it after he has a vent, it really is so abundantly awful and cruel and sad Almost like a tease! There are people there that are supposed to love you and take care of you and be apart of your life. But instead they are selfish and horrible and cruel, and demand things their way or no way at all. Just gives him a huge headache I reckon Poor bugger.

  2. #332
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    It must be hard for him.

    You need to help him realise you and your kids will have his back and be his family. Xx

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    lilypily  (27-12-2013)

  4. #333
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    Quote Originally Posted by moongazer View Post
    It must be hard for him.

    You need to help him realise you and your kids will have his back and be his family. Xx
    Oh he knows that We often talk about how bad things would be if we hadn't taken off and gotten married at 19! I think that is part of the 'problem' for them-
    he left and asserted his independance early and got out from under their control. We have been our own family since then (9 years ago now!). But still sad they can't be happy about our family and can't be any part of it because of their actions

    But we are happy and getting happier without them so that's good!

  5. #334
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    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    Oh he knows that We often talk about how bad things would be if we hadn't taken off and gotten married at 19! I think that is part of the 'problem' for them-
    he left and asserted his independance early and got out from under their control. We have been our own family since then (9 years ago now!). But still sad they can't be happy about our family and can't be any part of it because of their actions

    But we are happy and getting happier without them so that's good!
    You know what I havent read this whole thread but this one post rings so true to me and my husbands situation. He cut his family off 2 years ago, I spent 8 years always telling him to see his family,invite them over etc until he'd had enough of their crap and made the decision to cut them off. They started contacting us again recently and we do talk to them but we are very guarded and have limited contact. I hope you guys can get to a place whete you are happy with either not having them in your life or seriously restricted contact.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    rach85  (28-12-2013)

  7. #335
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    Advice and opinions please!

    3 weeks out from baby #2's birth and I feel a bit torn. We have been careful to not tell anyone who could blab to the IL's our actual due date because our plan is to not tell them the baby has been born until we are ready to deal with what they'll try and do. We just don't want them ruining the experience again, and further traumatising me!

    We live in a small town though, and people will get excited and it will spread through town relatively quickly and I think they'll find out quickly. As in if we only text my family and close friends and work (because hubby will be having time off) it will get out within a day probably even though close family and friends know we don't want them to know. I'm hoping for a vbac and to leave hospital within hours hopefully. Might not work out that way though.... And his grandmother last time was literally stalking the hospital halls for about the month around my due date offering patients knitted baby booties so she was literally the first to meet dd (almost before me because of my delay in recovery and dh was doing kangaroo care!) and I really don't put it past her doing that again. We hadn't even been able to text my family or best friends to let them know

    Even though they will almost certainly ignore us, should we send the entire family an email saying we insist on absolutely no visitors for a period of time (I'm thinking of saying 6 weeks!) to let us and dd settle in with new bubba?? Does that give us more of a leg to stand on to kick them out if the walk in like last time?? People who have been in this situation with crazy, selfish, narcissists does this help or just feed them? We are of the firm belief that complete apathy is the way to go because they feed off our emotions and it gives them back the power. I don't want to do that, but I also want to do all I can to not have them ruin this again for me. This is my last baby, and I want it to be a joy this time, not traumatic ... And I kinda think I need to sort it out because I really believe being scared of all this hitting the fan will stop me going into labour....

    We have spoken to the midwives, and are doing so again at my appt this week, but these people have no shame- they'll walk past the front desk and look in every room till they find us.

    Help!

  8. #336
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    Im so sorry that you're still suffering through this

    I think like you said, the email won't change anything, they won't suddenly grow some boundaries, and will most likely spur them on to act the opposite.

    I know it's probably not an option for you, or maybe it is. I would make it clear to the midwives that it's a safety issue regarding the family being around children /babies (implying the issue with the bil) without giving specific information I would make it clear that it's not just a family disagreement, but actually a safety issue for all on the ward. I'm not suggesting something could actually happen with the bil, I just mean this might keep them extra vigilant, and mean that if the family do get it, that the midwives call security to have them instantly removed, rather than just gently ushering them out.

    I would not give an inch in this situation, even though it's so heartbreaking. Again, I'm so so sorry

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    VicPark  (04-01-2014)

  10. #337
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    I think an email will just be fuel to the fire. It might ramp up their retaliations & you could find them on your doorstep again soon. You don't want MIL wailing about how awful this all is for her... It's your moment not hers!

    Speak to the midwives at your hospital, their number one will be to make sure you are relaxed. If having a hired security guard at the door is what it takes then so be it!

    Once you are home then just quietly let your family & friends know they can visit when you are ready. Sounds like you should look into a front fence with a security gate!!

  11. #338
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    Not long now! Don't make any decisions on who/when you tell you've had the baby... Until you've had the baby and know what type of recovery you will be up for. If you have a smooth labor and will likely be out in 24 hours then yeah sure tell your close family and friends right away. If you have a long labor and may be in hospital for 3-4 days perhaps wait until day 2-3 to tell people.

    As for rules about who's allowed to visit when. I have one blanket rule for everyone: no overnight guests 4 weeks before or 4 weeks after bub. However if I had nutbag relatives like your inlaws I wouldn't hesitate to have a separate rule for them: no visits or no visiting for 3 months or whatever. I think with what you've been through you can have a separate set of rules for them. If they question it tell them to f@rk off.

    I wouldn't send an email. I wouldn't engage them at all. If your DH happens to speak with them about something else have him verbally tell them what your boundaries are.
    Last edited by VicPark; 04-01-2014 at 16:38.

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    babyla  (05-01-2014)

  13. #339
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    IMO I think if you were to send out an email, they will figure out the baby is due to arrive very soon and the stalking the hospital wards will begin.

    I wouldn't be saying a thing to anyone apart from immediate family that your baby has been born and you are in the hospital. Once you leave hospital I would then send a text to the people who you believe would tell his family.

    Once you are home - there is no front desks to walk past and no midwives they can try to avoid! They can't exactly waltz in your front door if it's locked!

  14. #340
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    Yep- thanks girls. That is what I thought I should do, but I guess I'm getting nervous the closer it all gets! I need to stop overthinking it and trust that the midwives and dh will protect me. Hard when history has shown the opposite always occurs.

    I mean I have to tell my family because they'll have dd. But good point @Vic Park- I need to wait and see what my delivery is like before I make any decisions (please god make it quick and easy and vaginal so I can escape the hospital!)

    Midwives are aware and will be told who is not allowed in by name. Oh gosh security guards- I feel like everyone would think I was this huge drama queen!

    I'm really starting to lean towards not telling them the baby is born at all. I know they will find out, but I'm not really wanting us to engage with them at all. Feels surreal to me and so cruel and disrespectful from an objective standpoint- it isn't something I'd ever consider doing usually. But in this situation it feels like there isn't any point telling them the news because we aren't inviting them back in and that's what they would think is happening. And there is just no way at this point.

    Regret letting the pregnancy out now!
    God I am going to kill them if they see the baby before dd or if they ruin this in any way. I'll be just devestated!

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