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  1. #241
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    I grew up only knowing mum's side of the family and have no issues with it. Dad won't talk about his side of the family at all. I actually still don't know what happened there, but I know it was after mum and dad were married. I think his family hated mum and he told them where to go.
    My point is, you don't have to tell the kids anything. When they're old enough and curious enough they may ask- I do remember one night mum sitting all is kids don and giving a simplified version of why we don't see dad's family, but it must have been before I was 8 because I remember it being in the old house before we moved, so I actually can't remember what she said.
    And- I never felt as though I missed out, either. Probably had a far nicer family life because of it

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    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    Argh you poor thing So you and your kids don't see you il's but your dh still does? I honestly don't know how marriages survive these types of issues. It just takes over your life and the stress steals all your happiness! I guess that is what I feel on my worst days, but honestly if any contact with any member of his family leads to a fight what is the point???

    I just wish there was an easy answer. And what do I tell our kids when they are old enough to understand that one set of grandparents aren't in their lives?? How do you explain it? Just tell the complete truth? It will hurt them and that kills me
    I don't think you need to stop the kidsfrom seeing the ILs forever (BIL is an exception).

    Your kids are young enough that they won't ask questions for a while. In 2 years or so you can revisit the issue and see what happens.. Maybe the ILs will improve and understand by then?!?!? Circumstances change- who nknows what they'll go thru by then.

    I always say that I'll never talk bad about my ILs in front of my kids. Once they're older they'll see and figure it out on their own (which is what happened with my iuncle, who treated my mum like dirt).

    As fir BIL you say it straight, he did some naughty stuff and he's not allowed to come over and play.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomsie View Post
    I grew up only knowing mum's side of the family and have no issues with it. Dad won't talk about his side of the family at all. I actually still don't know what happened there, but I know it was after mum and dad were married. I think his family hated mum and he told them where to go.
    My point is, you don't have to tell the kids anything. When they're old enough and curious enough they may ask- I do remember one night mum sitting all is kids don and giving a simplified version of why we don't see dad's family, but it must have been before I was 8 because I remember it being in the old house before we moved, so I actually can't remember what she said.
    And- I never felt as though I missed out, either. Probably had a far nicer family life because of it
    We are the same in a way. We know mum's family, but we know that they were horrible to her and dad and they didn't see much of us. We saw them, occasionally, but we weren't close. Dad was the second youngest of 7 kids too and so his dad had passed away when by the time we were born, and his mum was older and pretty over grandkids by the time we came along. We still adored nanna and her us but we weren't what you'd call close. They weren't local so we didn't see them often either. It made me sad to not really have close grandparents, but I guess my kids are lucky in that they have my parents and my 5 brothers and sisters who adore them and dote on them and we are all close and see each other regularly...

    But with mums family she did have to sit down and tell us what went on (and the older we got the more we learnt) and why they never saw us at christmas or our birthdays, but they made a fuss over our cousins. And it sucked. And makes me sad that my kids are going to have that kind of crap in their lives too. I guess I just wanted things to be better for my kids but it's looking a but samey!

    Argh we'll muddle through it. I need to get my head back in the game. I'm feeling so horribly guilty, probably only because I'm 27 weeks pregnant and the impending birth is making me feel more vulnerable than usual???

    Thanks ladies xx


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

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    Quote Originally Posted by misho View Post
    I don't think you need to stop the kidsfrom seeing the ILs forever (BIL is an exception).
    But OP knows that the in laws are totally okay with bil, so how would she know if when the kids are with the in laws that they won't invite him over, or he'll just turn up?

    It's a pretty huge risk to have the kids around any of them, imo

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to DaenerysT For This Useful Post:

    rach85  (26-10-2013)

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    Quote Originally Posted by DaenerysT View Post
    But OP knows that the in laws are totally okay with bil, so how would she know if when the kids are with the in laws that they won't invite him over, or he'll just turn up?

    It's a pretty huge risk to have the kids around any of them, imo
    We will never let the kids see any of them on their own. For this very reason. So if he is there or turns up, we grab the kids and run. This is all obviously IF we resume contact.


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

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    Cicho  (26-10-2013)

  8. #246
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    So sick of them. Is it bad that I'm starting to wish I knew what I know now BEFORE marrying dh??? It is bad. It sounds horrible to say out loud


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.[/QUOTE]

    Definetly understand how you feel, I feel the same trust me. My inlaws showed their true colours less than 2 weeks after our wedding mofos😊

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    rach85  (26-10-2013)

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    Definetly understand how you feel, I feel the same trust me. My inlaws showed their true colours less than 2 weeks after our wedding mofos😊[/QUOTE]

    I should have clicked before ours. My MIL screamed at me for hours and threw easter eggs at me a month BEFORE our wedding. I am so dumb! All because I pulled her up on telling my then df to hook up with underage girls in front of me.... A) hello we are getting married. B) underage?? Are you kidding me? Fruit cake.

    Do you still deal with your ILs or has you dh put his foot down?


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  11. #248
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    We don't have anything to do with them at all. It's been a very peaceful year.

    I do feel bad for hubby but it was his choice also but it would bother him more than me.

    Mind you I'll be interested if they try to get in touch once they find out I'm pregnant.

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    Oh congrats on the pregnancy!!! Having our DD definitely made everything so much worse, hopefully because you guys made that decision before bub came it will be easier for you guys. I'll cross my fingers!! I'm so nervous about when my second is born in jan- they'll try it all back on for sure. I'm going to list them as not allowed guests to visit in hospital, but it didn't work last time so they'll probably barge right in. My plan is to not tell anyone who could tell them the baby is here till I'm safe at home with a locked front door....


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  13. #250
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    Wow, there are no words to describe that behaviour!

    I'm dealing with a mentally ill MIL (with other issues including extreme manipulation and narcissism) but nothing, NOTHING compares to this. At least most of DH's extended family realises she's ill and basically a toxic person (except FIL who swings between denial and making excuses for her based on whacky religious beliefs - a whole other story for a different thread!!).

    I really empathise with you, and the difficulties your DH is experiencing in facing letting go of the hope that things will ever change. They are still his parents at the end of the day, they raised him through his formative years, he's still their child and I'm sure he's thinking "if I can love my own child so much surely they must love me the same". I hope he gets some good support and advice from his psych, and it's possible you too may also need some support particularly as things escalate.

    Stay strong and enjoy your kids, and take a mental snapshot of this moment in time and promise yourself you'll never treat your own kids that way when they become adults!

    Hugs!


 

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