+ Reply to Thread
Page 18 of 45 FirstFirst ... 8161718192028 ... LastLast
Results 171 to 180 of 447
  1. #171
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    96
    Thanks
    13
    Thanked
    139
    Reviews
    0
    How have you been going OP?
    Been thinking of you.

  2. #172
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    817
    Thanks
    155
    Thanked
    249
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Bergeron View Post
    How have you been going OP?
    Been thinking of you.
    Thanks hun- that is really lovely

    Been having ups and downs, dh and I had a massive fight this morning almost completely attributed to his parents/sh1t his parents said. It is all so raw! Starting to deal with everyones opinions on the ILs not seeing their grandchildren. People get it but feel sorry for them. That's making us feel bad.

    Bringing up bil's prior offences hasn't gone well either, it's a small town and somehow we now know more than we did which is so concerning and dh feels it reflects badly on him. Especially because bil is sounding like he is continuing to do the same stuff but has gotten away with it so far. Which he shouldn't have!

    Such a mess! Thanks for thinking of me though xx


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  3. #173
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    2,555
    Thanks
    879
    Thanked
    559
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    Thanks hun- that is really lovely

    Starting to deal with everyones opinions on the ILs not seeing their grandchildren. People get it but feel sorry for them. That's making us feel bad.



    Such a mess! Thanks for thinking of me though xx


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.
    *Big hugs* you poor pet. I've found this is the way society is in general. Unless people have experienced an abusive/narcisstic parent or in law for themselves they never truly understand. They just repeat the mantra's society use like 'Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad', or ' Your poor mum/dad/il's don't see your kids! That is terrible!' whilst layering copious amounts of guilt as they speak because society tells you to respect your elders, and all parents/in laws should be kind, giving people who make a couple of mistakes on the way, but still should be respected. We all know that is BS. But not everybody understands.

    I know it's tough for you but just ride it out. You will be better for it in the long run if you show your IL's you have stamina and are not going to be worn down by their antics

    Good luck

  4. #174
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    96
    Thanks
    13
    Thanked
    139
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    Thanks hun- that is really lovely

    Been having ups and downs
    In regards to your BIL, sometimes people just choose to believe the lies as it's easier than confronting the thought they are associated with a monster.
    Then you have the people who will fight tooth and nail to play down the truth to protect their reputation.
    Either way you know the truth about BIL and you are well and truly free to the right of choosing if he is/isn't in your kids life.

    I'm sorry to hear about the fight
    My dh and I have had many fights due to his parents.
    It wears you down.
    My inlaws are narcissists, MIL is also a psychologist (who has never held a job, go figure, she has even had a court case against her and her "work") so she is a victim playing loony who uses her degree to back herself up when putting others down.
    My husband and I have been to counselling in the past for it too.
    We were told then to cut them out but my husband just couldn't follow through with it.

    Your husband sounds like how mine use to be.
    Dh would stand his ground but not strongly enough it seemed. It would really get to him. Whenever we cut them out he would be overcome by guilt.
    I had to just tell myself that he grew up with these nutters and it will take longer for him to not get so effected by them.

    I'm not entirely sure what changed but after years and years of the same crap and same problems, years of other family members saying we were bad for cutting them out whenever we did, years of his mum and dad constantly putting blame on us and making us feel guilty or that we were the bad guys so we would go and talk to them again.... I'm sure you understand what I'm on about here... But literally one day the IL's were at it again and my husband just lost it.
    I have never seen him so furious in my life. Years of... anger maybe? Not sure, well it all came out.
    I was sitting in the background a bit he did it in front of other family members who were also a bit
    MIL tried the whole victim thing and my husband just kept pulling her up on her sh!t... I still don't know what came over him...
    This happened a good year ago.
    The first week we had the same thing as usual in regards to phone calls, emails, texts from other family members and MIL+FIL but dh just lost it at their accusations each and every time.
    I think he just didn't care if he was seen as the bad guy, if he is being as accused of it why not just do it I suppose.
    I'm positive they all think he has lost the plot and more than likely have their "theories" on why he has snapped, the theories will all be in the Inlaws favour I'm sure but I really don't think dh cares anymore.

    Dh purposely took a job in another state about 8 months ago just to be as far away from them as Australia would allow.

    I still however get emails (they don't know our new address or phone numbers) from extended family purely just to tell me how horrible i am and how upset MIL and FIL are.
    none of them contact dh anymore for this since the incident a year ago, it's always just me lol, I think they believe I have the power to somehow change my husbands mind... Never will they believe he made this decision on his own

    We still stay in contact with FIL's parents. They are genuinely lovely and never have asked or spoken about our choices to cut MIL+FIL+other inlaws out.
    They themselves have cut a lot of the people we have cut out too and there just seems to be an understanding there.
    They only hear from FIL once a year when they call him for his birthday.
    I'm not sure why, I've never asked and that's the kind of reason we like the relationship with them.
    It's just easy and stress free.
    How it should be.

    My inlaws never did some of the things yours have (barging in at the hospital, the birthday party, the calling your parents) generally mine would just cause fights over things that didn't go their way and run their mouths to other family members.
    The worst I endured would have to be the time my FIL pushed and shoved me during an argument, that was when dh and I first got married a good 10 years ago now.
    The rest has just been emotional abuse and blackmail.
    A few other things in regards to our privacy but never like yours.

    The only thing I ever could do was to support my husband and his decisions regarding his family.
    I spent many years fighting with dh about it all.
    In the end I'm just glad he finally found it within himself not to allow them to effect and control his emotions.

    I'm really sympathising with you.
    It's so horrible and I'm sorry I can't offer any great advise
    If dh started talking to them again I have no idea what I would do.
    It's hard because you know it would be easier if your husband just told them to ping off and they just listened or changed... But with people like that it's never that easy.
    Last edited by Bergeron; 09-10-2013 at 16:02.

  5. #175
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,558
    Thanked
    12,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    How are things going? Any crazy messages from the MIL?
    Last edited by VicPark; 09-10-2013 at 17:07.

  6. #176
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,678
    Thanks
    788
    Thanked
    1,847
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Can I ask if you guys have reported BIL to the police...if he is abusing kids, someone needs to step up and do the right thing. Even if he is abusing people who are strangers to you...please report what you know to keep other kids safe.

  7. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to River Song For This Useful Post:

    babycake  (09-10-2013),ExcuseMyFrench  (11-10-2013),HugsBunny  (11-10-2013),PurpleButterfly4  (12-12-2013),Starfish30  (28-10-2013),Stiflers Mom  (09-10-2013),TimeForWine  (14-10-2013)

  8. #177
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    817
    Thanks
    155
    Thanked
    249
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    Can I ask if you guys have reported BIL to the police...if he is abusing kids, someone needs to step up and do the right thing. Even if he is abusing people who are strangers to you...please report what you know to keep other kids safe.
    I'm a bit scared to go into any details on here, but we have done all we (personally) can. Unfortunately too many others have swept things under the carpet.... I wish I could explain more but I'm too scared to if that makes sense??


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  9. #178
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    817
    Thanks
    155
    Thanked
    249
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Bergeron View Post
    In regards to your BIL, sometimes people just choose to believe the lies as it's easier than confronting the thought they are associated with a monster.
    Then you have the people who will fight tooth and nail to play down the truth to protect their reputation.
    Either way you know the truth about BIL and you are well and truly free to the right of choosing if he is/isn't in your kids life.

    I'm sorry to hear about the fight
    My dh and I have had many fights due to his parents.
    It wears you down.
    My inlaws are narcissists, MIL is also a psychologist (who has never held a job, go figure, she has even had a court case against her and her "work") so she is a victim playing loony who uses her degree to back herself up when putting others down.
    My husband and I have been to counselling in the past for it too.
    We were told then to cut them out but my husband just couldn't follow through with it.

    Your husband sounds like how mine use to be.
    Dh would stand his ground but not strongly enough it seemed. It would really get to him. Whenever we cut them out he would be overcome by guilt.
    I had to just tell myself that he grew up with these nutters and it will take longer for him to not get so effected by them.

    I'm not entirely sure what changed but after years and years of the same crap and same problems, years of other family members saying we were bad for cutting them out whenever we did, years of his mum and dad constantly putting blame on us and making us feel guilty or that we were the bad guys so we would go and talk to them again.... I'm sure you understand what I'm on about here... But literally one day the IL's were at it again and my husband just lost it.
    I have never seen him so furious in my life. Years of... anger maybe? Not sure, well it all came out.
    I was sitting in the background a bit he did it in front of other family members who were also a bit
    MIL tried the whole victim thing and my husband just kept pulling her up on her sh!t... I still don't know what came over him...
    This happened a good year ago.
    The first week we had the same thing as usual in regards to phone calls, emails, texts from other family members and MIL+FIL but dh just lost it at their accusations each and every time.
    I think he just didn't care if he was seen as the bad guy, if he is being as accused of it why not just do it I suppose.
    I'm positive they all think he has lost the plot and more than likely have their "theories" on why he has snapped, the theories will all be in the Inlaws favour I'm sure but I really don't think dh cares anymore.

    Dh purposely took a job in another state about 8 months ago just to be as far away from them as Australia would allow.

    I still however get emails (they don't know our new address or phone numbers) from extended family purely just to tell me how horrible i am and how upset MIL and FIL are.
    none of them contact dh anymore for this since the incident a year ago, it's always just me lol, I think they believe I have the power to somehow change my husbands mind... Never will they believe he made this decision on his own

    We still stay in contact with FIL's parents. They are genuinely lovely and never have asked or spoken about our choices to cut MIL+FIL+other inlaws out.
    They themselves have cut a lot of the people we have cut out too and there just seems to be an understanding there.
    They only hear from FIL once a year when they call him for his birthday.
    I'm not sure why, I've never asked and that's the kind of reason we like the relationship with them.
    It's just easy and stress free.
    How it should be.

    My inlaws never did some of the things yours have (barging in at the hospital, the birthday party, the calling your parents) generally mine would just cause fights over things that didn't go their way and run their mouths to other family members.
    The worst I endured would have to be the time my FIL pushed and shoved me during an argument, that was when dh and I first got married a good 10 years ago now.
    The rest has just been emotional abuse and blackmail.
    A few other things in regards to our privacy but never like yours.

    The only thing I ever could do was to support my husband and his decisions regarding his family.
    I spent many years fighting with dh about it all.
    In the end I'm just glad he finally found it within himself not to allow them to effect and control his emotions.

    I'm really sympathising with you.
    It's so horrible and I'm sorry I can't offer any great advise
    If dh started talking to them again I have no idea what I would do.
    It's hard because you know it would be easier if your husband just told them to ping off and they just listened or changed... But with people like that it's never that easy.
    Omg HUGEST OF HUGS TO YOU. Your IL's and family sound exactly like mine. It is so great to come across people who truely understand (quite a few in this thread!!) but also makes me so sad other a$$holes are doing this to good people like yourself

    It is honestly the worst thing to try muddle through. I can only hope dh loses it like yours did at some point soon. He is scared to lose the family members that are good to us and he likes. These narcs are so good at playing the victim....

    Thanks for the support xxx


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  10. #179
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    96
    Thanks
    13
    Thanked
    139
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    Omg HUGEST OF HUGS TO YOU. Your IL's and family sound exactly like mine. It is so great to come across people who truely understand (quite a few in this thread!!) but also makes me so sad other a$$holes are doing this to good people like yourself

    It is honestly the worst thing to try muddle through. I can only hope dh loses it like yours did at some point soon. He is scared to lose the family members that are good to us and he likes. These narcs are so good at playing the victim....

    Thanks for the support xxx


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.
    Thank you, yes once you have been through it it's quite shocking to find out it's not as rare as you once thought.

    how can a parent do it?
    If either of my adult children stopped talking to me due to my actions or something I had said, I would be grovelling and apologising, even if I did think I was in the right and they were wrong, I would still apologise for hurting their feelings, put my own feelings aside and try my dam well hardest to improve/back off because them not being in my life isn't worth it.
    I would never try to put every ounce of blame on them and fight until my last breathe still doing so.
    Then when you add grandchildren... I just couldn't sleep at night knowing I was cut from my child's life.
    I think that's when it became bad for dh.
    When our first was born he often use to say it would hit him at times just how nasty they can be and how negative they were to him as a child.

    Very bizarre thing with my inlaws is they don't seem to care for our ds and dd.
    it's all about dh.
    If we couldn't make it to a Christmas lunch because someone was sick, sh*t would hit the fan and major drama would happen.
    But if I just sent dh over to an event because me and the kids didn't want to go lol, The IL's would be happy as pie.
    At one point dh was visiting without the kids as they didn't want to go.
    They went 6 months without seeing their grandchildren but were the happiest I've known them to be.. If Dh missed his weekly visit drama would start...
    I really can't explain it, but MIL also was very weird with dh... We look back now and joke that it was almost like she thought she was in some kind of lover relationship with him.
    Dh is in his early 30's but MIL would often ask him to leave me and come back home to her, She would call dh when she got into fights with FIL and say things like "I wish you and I could just run away together from our bad marriages, just the 2 of us" lol wtf?
    She would also call and ask if I was around and if it was safe to talk...
    There is more, like a decade of it but it's to weird for me to even explain.
    My husband and I met when we were relatively young, I was his first girlfriend and my husband has said ever since he met me, he has felt like she has only then wanted to show him any kind of attention.
    Before that he got the impression she couldn't have cared much for him and that it was all about his younger siblings (who are just like them)

    Might sound strange and I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is your husbands self confidence like?
    It was only when my husband and I went to counselling that I even noticed he doubted himself and his decisions so much.
    I never told him I realised this, I just started making a conscious effort to start complementing him, telling how great he is, letting him know I was proud of him every time he overcame any hurdles in life.
    each time he would make a little stand against his parents, people in the office, to bad friends and actually voice his own opinions instead of just taking it I would tell him I was proud of him. That what he did was the right thing to do.
    Looking back the person I married was rather timid and closed off, in so many areas of life he would let people walk all over him.

    This past year since his parents have been gone, since he finally found the strength to not let people control him he has been so much happier.
    He doesn't put up with a lot of the crap in life like he once did and things don't effect him like they once did.

    I have great parents, well a terrible bio dad, but I grew up with my mum and step dad who were/are great.
    We have had minimal drama with them.
    If any?? If there has been an issue it's resolved the next day with no hard feelings...
    My parents think dh is amazing and will dote on him more than me
    But I think the hardest thing for me to understand was that dh grew up differently, he didn't have nice parents, although they never physically abused him or neglected him they did control his emotions for everything, they did stop him from learning how to make his own decisions and they only ever responded to his bad behaviour, they never praised his good behaviour.
    He is a very smart man, in reality they could have said "I'm proud of you" many of times in his life. Instead when he hit achievements or did something worth congratulating they would be very "meh" about it.
    If he did something wrong or made a mistake his parents were the first to let him know about it and kept it in a mental vault to later use as ammo against him.
    That's worlds different to my own parents who would praise me for things daily and deal with my bad habits in a much calmer loving way.
    I had to just remind my self of that so many times when all I wanted to do was to shake my husband awake and slap some sense into him.
    I still did do that on occasions though

    I'm glad we are where we are.
    I've had times where I have wondered if I was the one to blame.
    That if dh hadn't of met me he might have a great relationship with his parents.
    But then if I cut myself out of the picture and just focus on the relationship they had with dh, it's just not right.
    The general way they treat people, with such lack of respect, is just not on.
    Anyone who chooses to play flocking sheep to their lies and hang off their every word are just puppets in these crazy peoples lives.
    People I couldn't really care if my children don't meet.
    The people who bend and fold for narcs are usually just as soulless as the people controlling their views and opinions.
    When dealing with these kinds of toxic people it's just something you need to be mindful of I suppose.

    I really hope you can find a way out of the web your IL's have set. It's so hard and it will be with you for life no matter what. But it's worse feeling bullied into having a relationship with people you don't like and people that demand respect and don't give it.
    The main thing I use to try and focus on during these times was my marriage, because god only knows how much of an effect crazy situations like this can have on a relationship.

  11. #180
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    817
    Thanks
    155
    Thanked
    249
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    @Bergeron- are you a SIL I'm not aware of??? You just described my IL's (and pretty much my husband) to a t.

    Except- they are obsessed with having a ridiculously close (read controlling) rel'p with my kids. They rant on about how much they have to offer them???? What- emotional manipulation, guilt and abuse? No thanks! The only person they want to cut out is me.

    As for your MIL and the lover rel'p with your dh- MIL is like that with my dh too! I know exactly what you mean. Like at their meet up at maccas last week- she went between screaming in his face a groping his leg. What parent GROPES your leg???? He was so uncomfortable about it. That's one example of many... He hates her touching him it freaks him out. I know exactly what you mean.

    As for his self esteem- dh and I got married when I was 19 and him just 20. Babies. But I swear it saved his life. I didn't control his life and I didn't do everything for him. He was all of a sudden forced to make his own decisions- his own phone calls!!!- by me not doing it all for him. He learned to cook and clean and become an equal partner to me. Obviously the exact opposite of what his rel'p with MIL is. That was just through me respecting him as his own person with his own mind. Now- it kinda backfired. After we were married 5 years and hubby was working in the profession MIL chose for him (applied to uni for him...) he got severely depressed. He had been defending his brother (kinda) and it got too much for him when he realised it wasn't a one off and his parents knew that and were protecting him. He didn't know who he was. He hated his career, he figured out what his parents had done to him and needed to sort it out. Long story short he went through a really heavy depression that almost killed him and almost killed our rel'p. He has come out of it the other side (thank god!!) not perfect, but a million percent better. He still has esteem issues at times (second guesses things and things get to him) but mostly he doesn't. His biggest issue now is his guilt re the notion of family (which he now knows what they can be like through my family who adores him and accepts him as he is) and reconciling that with his crazy a$$ narc familly....

    I'm so happy to hear of those of you who have gotten through all this and are at the other side. I hear you on it being a lifetime thing though....

    Funnily enough they are now playing no speakys again- waiting for us to run to them. Never. Going. To. Happen


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to rach85 For This Useful Post:

    Cicho  (10-10-2013)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Upsetting: Illigal immigrant planning attack
    By Lovemyfam in forum News & Current Affairs
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 09-12-2013, 09:09
  2. Replies: 5
    Last Post: 08-05-2013, 18:31
  3. Feels like a dream
    By Myztiks#1Fan in forum General Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 30-01-2013, 08:32

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Ro&Co
Share magical moments this Christmas with this gorgeous gingerbread house. Exclusively available in Brisbane, with FREE delivery in Brisbane Metro areas. Each Christmas Centrepiece is unique and made to order, from $240.
sales & new stuffsee all
True Fairies
True Fairies is the first interactive website where children can engage and speak with a real fairy through the unique webcam fairy portal. Each session is tailored to the child, and is filled with enchantment and magic.
Visit website to find out more!
featured supporter
LCF Fun Languages Australia
We offer foreign language lessons for children 2-12 yrs in French, Spanish, Mandarin, Italian or German as after-school and preschool clubs or private language tuition. This is play-based, full immersion language learning with proven results!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!