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  1. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    before he meets with them...sit down and make a list of what is negotiable and what is not.

    Make sure he feels happy with that list and then when he is with them...he knows that anything outside of what you guys agreed on is not to be agreed to.

    If they want something that he thinks might be OK but you guys have not discussed he simply says "look, I will discuss that with "my wife" and get back to you."

    As long as you guys know where your boundaries are then it will be ok.
    I think herein lies the problem atm. We are no longer agreeing on what we want because I honestly feel in my gut that things will never change and I don't want my family to have anything to do with them. Well definitely nothing to do with me and my children, I guess dh is an adult and can choose to upset himself if he wants.

    He also isn't wanting to talk to me about it so much anymore, he is just getting angry and frustrated. Which is all about them and not about me- which again is the problem. Him having anything to do with them has a negative effect on me, our relationship, our kids. So the change in communication means it is hard to figure out boundaries.


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  2. #92
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    Hi Rach

    I don't like my IL's one bit, so when DH goes to visit I never go along with, but I do let DH take my kids so they get to see their grandparents.

    Do I like it? No, but I found allowing DH to take the kids for a couple of hours to visit every few weeks was enough to keep the IL's off my back. The IL's arent welcome here, so them coming to visit under my watch is out of the question.

    I have given DH strict instructions on what is acceptable and what is not while he is at his mothers with my children. And so far so good.

    I dont think the IL's are game enough to do something silly in regards to my kids because I have given them the illusion I am not to he messed with!

    I know your case is different and this may not work for you if your kids are still little. If that is the cas tell your DH he is welcome to visit his parents any time, but without your kids.

    I really hope you find a solution soon x

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    rach85  (28-09-2013)

  4. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    I think herein lies the problem atm. We are no longer agreeing on what we want because I honestly feel in my gut that things will never change and I don't want my family to have anything to do with them. Well definitely nothing to do with me and my children, I guess dh is an adult and can choose to upset himself if he wants.

    He also isn't wanting to talk to me about it so much anymore, he is just getting angry and frustrated. Which is all about them and not about me- which again is the problem. Him having anything to do with them has a negative effect on me, our relationship, our kids. So the change in communication means it is hard to figure out boundaries.


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.
    I would be looking for a middle ground...he can meet them at the park/cafe/macccas with the kids so they can see them.

    I do not like my mil but, it is DH's call to stay in touch with her. He is equally a parent to the kids, so he also gets a say in who they see and he does take DD with him when he sees his mum.

    We are at an OK stage now where she is welcome at group functions (like DD's birthday) as she behaves well with an audience but if it is just us she is very rude.

    DD loves her nonna and it does make it easier for me when i see how much she loves her and now (years after the major blow up) it is getting easier.

    Forbidding your DH to let his family see your kids is a very big call. Not seeing them by your choice, is reasonable.

    You guys will need to talk about birthday gatherings and christmas and stuff though...and try and reach a good agreement.

    Don't go so far in one direction that it causes problems in your marriage...find a way that you are united...you both need to compromise.

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to River Song For This Useful Post:

    Cicho  (28-09-2013),spoon  (09-12-2013)

  6. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    I would be looking for a middle ground...he can meet them at the park/cafe/macccas with the kids so they can see them.

    I do not like my mil but, it is DH's call to stay in touch with her. He is equally a parent to the kids, so he also gets a say in who they see and he does take DD with him when he sees his mum.

    We are at an OK stage now where she is welcome at group functions (like DD's birthday) as she behaves well with an audience but if it is just us she is very rude.

    DD loves her nonna and it does make it easier for me when i see how much she loves her and now (years after the major blow up) it is getting easier.

    Forbidding your DH to let his family see your kids is a very big call. Not seeing them by your choice, is reasonable.

    You guys will need to talk about birthday gatherings and christmas and stuff though...and try and reach a good agreement.

    Don't go so far in one direction that it causes problems in your marriage...find a way that you are united...you both need to compromise.
    Oh I'd never forbid him not to see them! Not a chance. I get frustrated because he doesn't want to see them, he is only doing this out of guilt. I honestly think he hates them more than me. I've put up with their sh1t for 10 years, he has put up with in for his entire life. And they really screwed him over!!

    Christmas isn't an issue, dh stopped us attending 3 years ago. He hated every second of it because it wasn't ever just his immediate family it was his parents, grandparents, great aunties and uncles, aunties and uncles, their IL's, all their kids etc etc etc. A million random and really annoying people. One of his brothers is a sexual predator too, and he doesn't speak to him. MIL and FIL have lied about BIL to the entire family and my dh (who works with at risk kids) could not handle them all thinking the sun shone out of this guys as$ when he is a complete feral who has been lucky so far to be asked to leave his job with children and have it all swept under the carpet instead of charges being laid...

    Again, he doesn't want to see them he is just cracking out of guilt, manipulation and frustration....


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  7. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cicho View Post
    Hi Rach

    I don't like my IL's one bit, so when DH goes to visit I never go along with, but I do let DH take my kids so they get to see their grandparents.

    Do I like it? No, but I found allowing DH to take the kids for a couple of hours to visit every few weeks was enough to keep the IL's off my back. The IL's arent welcome here, so them coming to visit under my watch is out of the question.

    I have given DH strict instructions on what is acceptable and what is not while he is at his mothers with my children. And so far so good.

    I dont think the IL's are game enough to do something silly in regards to my kids because I have given them the illusion I am not to he messed with!

    I know your case is different and this may not work for you if your kids are still little. If that is the cas tell your DH he is welcome to visit his parents any time, but without your kids.

    I really hope you find a solution soon x

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using The Bub Hub mobile app
    I think this is where we are headed. Except they don't care about whether I can be messed with or not- they do whatever they want whenever they want all the time. Regardless of anyones feelings or boundaries or instructions! And it won't change! So frustrating.

    My DD is only 14 months and number two is cooking away (22.5 weeks). I get so much more fearful thinking about when they are older and more influenceable....


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  8. #96
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    Sorry- double post!

  9. #97
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    Quote Originally Posted by rach85 View Post
    Oh I'd never forbid him not to see them! Not a chance. I get frustrated because he doesn't want to see them, he is only doing this out of guilt. I honestly think he hates them more than me. I've put up with their sh1t for 10 years, he has put up with in for his entire life. And they really screwed him over!!

    Christmas isn't an issue, dh stopped us attending 3 years ago. He hated every second of it because it wasn't ever just his immediate family it was his parents, grandparents, great aunties and uncles, aunties and uncles, their IL's, all their kids etc etc etc. A million random and really annoying people. One of his brothers is a sexual predator too, and he doesn't speak to him. MIL and FIL have lied about BIL to the entire family and my dh (who works with at risk kids) could not handle them all thinking the sun shone out of this guys as$ when he is a complete feral who has been lucky so far to be asked to leave his job with children and have it all swept under the carpet instead of charges being laid...

    Again, he doesn't want to see them he is just cracking out of guilt, manipulation and frustration....


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

    Wow. Ok. I think your DH needs to man up and tell his parents exactly how he feels. He is an adult, and a husband and a father first and foremost ( I stated this one to my DH just recently ).

    And as for the predatory family member, I apologise for suggesting your DH take your kids to his crazy parents place for visitation. Under no circumstances should you allow your kids out of your sight if this is the case.

    All I can suggest is cut the IL's loose. Do not respond, do not negotiate, do not get involved at all. Just pretend they don't exist (harder than it sounds, I know).

    I really wish you the best of luck with it all xx

  10. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cicho View Post
    Wow. Ok. I think your DH needs to man up and tell his parents exactly how he feels. He is an adult, and a husband and a father first and foremost ( I stated this one to my DH just recently ).

    And as for the predatory family member, I apologise for suggesting your DH take your kids to his crazy parents place for visitation. Under no circumstances should you allow your kids out of your sight if this is the case.

    All I can suggest is cut the IL's loose. Do not respond, do not negotiate, do not get involved at all. Just pretend they don't exist (harder than it sounds, I know).

    I really wish you the best of luck with it all xx
    Oh please don't apologize, you didn't know He doesn't live with them, but visits. Dh and I have a hard and fast rule that that is why they will never EVER have our children alone. A couple of weeks after she was born (and while they kept demanding to take my newborn out on walks by themselves wtf???) they started to say they need to have dd for the day here and there so she can meet and spend time with her uncle. Are you kidding me??? Freaks.

    I have to say, dh HAS told them exactly how he feels, many times before. They just don't accept it, ignore it, force the issue and we come full circle! And here we are again. But the manipulation and talking about us with people close to us and manipulating them to get involved wears him down and dh gets to this point where he feels he has to try again. I don't blame him too much, they are bloody good at the guilt and manipulation, I feel guilty and like we need to act too! But I'm better able to hang on to my rationality over my emotions (so far...) iykwim??


    Me 27 + Him 28 =
    DD- 20.7.2012
    #2 due 28.1.2014
    6 angels loved and missed.

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to rach85 For This Useful Post:

    Cicho  (29-09-2013)

  12. #99
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    I would move....

    I know your friends and other family live there also but you could still see them.

    And now you have told us about your bil and your in laws want to spend time with alone so they can spend time with him? Ummmm

    Run and don't look back....

  13. #100
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    If you don't put your foot down now it only going to get much worse in years to come....
    She disrespects you both now she will disrespect you when your daughter is old enough to watch and understand....
    I would do something even at the risk of not having them in your life....


 

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