+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    91
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    34
    Reviews
    0

    Default A question

    Hi -

    I don't really belong in this forum, but I have a question about breaking pregnancy news to someone who's had a stillbirth. I'm wondering because I have a very close friend who has recently had a stillbirth, and I'm pregnant, but I don't want her to find out through someone else, and I think she'll want to know. The irony is that she found out she was pregnant just after I'd lost a second trimester pregnancy, and told me really gently. she's been like a rock to me through that, and I want to be able to find a way to tell her without hurting her. She's one of those super selfless people - when she told me she'd lost the baby, she was more concerned about causing me grief than herself, so I hope I can honour her in that.

    How would you want a friend to tell you?


    Does that make sense? I don't expect her to find it easy, but I don't want to pretend we've been though the same thing either. I can't even imagine - what I went through was the worst experience of my life, so I don't want to minimize her pain in any way.
    Thanks

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Craigieburn, Vic
    Posts
    73
    Thanks
    8
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    My cousin had a stillbirth and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We are really close and the best way I found to break the news to her was to tell her she was going to be a god parent. She was more excited then anything but I just watched what I said about her and tried not to talk about it alot seeing as I felt bad. But every person is diffrent I think if your just upfront and honest you will be fine.
    Good luck and congrats

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    western suburbs Melbourne
    Posts
    1,296
    Thanks
    315
    Thanked
    74
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I guess it depends on the closeness of your friendship, and the decency of her loss
    I lost my daughter at full term 8 weeks ago. Since then I have had two friends tell me they were pregnant. One was bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter... The other more bitter
    One told us at 10 weeks and has been here for us for the last 8 weeks despite her own mixed feelings. The other announced it on Facebook today, I scrolled down and there it was, no warning or anything- they are 15 weeks ish

    Here are my tips

    Tell her sooner rather than later
    Tell her well before you announce it to the rest of the world
    Admitt to her that you don't know how to say it without hurting her and you wish everything was different etc she will appreciate your honesty and this will open the lines of communication
    Ask her to let you know if you're giving her too much or too little detail about your pregnancy and be sensitive to her needs
    If you are friends with her on Facebook and you feel a need to vent about being sick or tired or frustrated... Hide the post from her, she doesn't need to read that.



    Melinda Grace born sleeping 17/7/2013. Sometimes rainbows only stay for a short while but their beauty is not diminished by their duration. If anything it is made more glorious for its rarity. I will always love you precious girl.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    315
    Thanks
    36
    Thanked
    77
    Reviews
    0
    Tell her the same way she told you. You have said how supportive she was to you during your time, and how she had to break the news of her pregnancy to you. So sad that it didn't have a happy ending...
    Now it is your turn. Tell her the same way, soon.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    91
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    34
    Reviews
    0
    Thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate you taking the time.

    She's a very close friend, and she's the only reason we haven't told anyone outside the family. I've been waiting until I can catch up with her, because face to face communication is really important to her, and even though I'm a letters person, I want to be as accommodating as possible.

    I think she and I have already covered the "please tell me if it's too much info" thing and she will tell me (although I'll reiterate that I want her to tell me) because a few months ago just after I lost our little one at 15 weeks, she was super excited to show me pictures of where she was up to (she'd only just found out she was pregnant), and I just said to her, "I really want to be happy for you, but I don't think I can look at the pictures". She really understood, and I feel like that won't be awkward the other way. I'm a very private person anyway so I don't like to talk about my pregnancies with other people (I think I just feel like if I get excited, the baby will die,which is stupid, but anyway here's to anxiety!). We have a pretty honest relationship - I guess I really just wanted confirmation that I should tell her straight up. I have a feeling she'll want to know and would be hurt if I didn't, but I guess I just needed to know from someone who has been through what she has, because she is pretending she's coping fine, so it's really hard to guage what she needs.

    Thanks so much again.

    Sent from my GT-P5100 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    western suburbs Melbourne
    Posts
    1,296
    Thanks
    315
    Thanked
    74
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    You sound like a beautiful friend chook and I'm sure it will be a hard but beautiful moment for the two of you. Xoxo

    Having been through both a 17 week loss and a full term loss myself I'm so glad your friend has someone who can both understand much of what she is going through and is willing to accept that no person can really Know the grief journey of another and instead will be there holding her hand.

    The friends of mine who I value the most right now are the ones who are in regular if not constant contact, telling me that they haven't forgotten my beautiful girl, telling me of their grief for me and for my family and for themselves that they don't get to see her grow up. I don't know if this helps you or if its even information you are seeking but one of the hardest things about losing a baby at full term is the fact that they almost may not have existed if not for the broken pieces of your heart, there's nearly nothing left to show they were here and there are very few people who knew them to hold them in their memories for them to live on. So for anyone to make the effort to do it means so much.

    I'm still in a support group for rainbow pregnancies on Facebook, if you are interested please, let me know and ill work out a way to add you in . Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy xox

    (I'm also in a wonderful angel mums group if you or your friend would like someone safe to remember and grieve your lost ones once again please pm me xx)


    Melinda Grace born sleeping 17/7/2013. Sometimes rainbows only stay for a short while but their beauty is not diminished by their duration. If anything it is made more glorious for its rarity. I will always love you precious girl.


 

Similar Threads

  1. A question about the "Do you have kids" question...
    By jaesmummy in forum Childless - not by choice (still trying)
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 02-11-2013, 21:06
  2. Croup question- urgent question
    By 2BlueBirds in forum General Child Health Issues
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 01-06-2013, 23:40
  3. Newborn question - during hospital stay. Sensitive question about SIDS
    By ChangedMyMind in forum Pregnancy & Birth General Chat
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 30-12-2012, 13:04

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Springfree Trampoline
Give the Ultimate Christmas Gift Springfree Trampoline
The World's Safest Trampoline™ is now also the world's first Smart Trampoline™. Sensors on the mat detect your every move and your jumps control fun, educational and active games on tablet. Secure the Ultimate Christmas Gift today!
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
Wendys Music School
Wendy’s Music School. Experience, Quality and great service! For qualifying students we will get you playing or singing your favourite music in 90 days GUARANTEED! Book a free assessment online now!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!