Soon to be single..my ramblings!

[*munchkin*]

Hello to all you lovely Solo Mamas out there.
I've been reading your posts for a while, and decided I'd better be gutsy enough to post one. BTW: I love how supportive you all are of each other. It's lovely!

I just need to put down in writing my ridiculous situation. I met my partner in Alice Springs, and I moved there for work from Brissie. Soon after that, we got together and lived happily in his house (breaking my own rule of never living with someone...stoopid me). He is divorced with another child of 8.

At Christmas I found out I was pregnant, and we both decided to move back to Brissie. I knew he was a country bloke, so offered to move back to Alice Springs if he didn't like it here. As soon as we arrived, he decided he hated it, and that he wanted to move to...get this...Coober Pedy. Yup. The place where they live under the ground because it's TOO DAMN HOT to be above ground. The *** end of Australia. The middle of the desert. A place where I know no-one, will be stuck under the ground with a tiny baby, too hot to go out, inadequate medical facilities, SO isolated, highest unemployment in Australia etc.

But...the best part of all is that he just TOLD me that he was going. And expected me to follow. No negotiation, no discussion. This was so traumatic for me while pregnant - I cried buckets and buckets of tears

I didn't think I could go it alone. But now I have my beautiful baby girl in my arms, I know that I can, and that if he can consider going without us, then he should. I have told him that, and he still insisted he was going. So it's good-bye to him , and hello solo mama-hood. I thought I would be nice, and not just kick him out, so since I told him to go, he has been here for 6 weeks. He finally leaves on 25th November. I have progressed from being sad and hurt, to being angry and detesting him. He is walking out on me and our beautiful 3 month girl, yet he tells me all the time how much he loves us, and how beautiful we both are.

He is truly doing my head in. How can someone decide to walk out, and then be sugary syrupy sweet to me and our baby. It makes me feel physically sick every time he even talks to our little girl, and I want to hit him over the head and say "DO YOU REALISE YOU ARE LEAVING? You are not going to be part of her life. She will not know you! You are a low life scum of the earth. Not a real man."

I think he thinks we will still play happy families when he comes to visit (note: he stays at his ex's house when he visits his son...and they haven't told him they are divorced...very wierd situation). I honestly don't want to even talk to him once he is gone. I know he will call every week and expect me to give him a full blown description of our baby's week. Is it wrong of me to think that once he is gone, he is gone? He can come and visit, but I'm not going to make him feel OK about not being here by telling him all about how she is growing up.

What should I do? Emily is only 3 months old, so won't be able to talk to him for years, and I don't want to talk to him. Do any of you have advice on how to handle it?

Gee...this is a very long ramble...late night for me...and I have the flu...blah

Any advice greatly appreciated from you wise Solo Mamas (and Fathers).

[Mum2Bug]

First of all these are for you and that gorgeous little girl of yours.

Although I am a single mum I dont really have any advice for you but wanted to congratulate you on being so strong and such a wonderful mummy. You have put your own and your daughters happiness before him and that is wonderful. She is so lucky to have you.

Sorry couldnt offer more to say though. Welcome to BH and hopefully others can offer you more than i was able to.

[LilShenanigans]

LOL Coober pedy!? What a mong! lol

Oh, some men are better just to let go! You don't have to tell him anything, if he asks, keep it short and vague

Hey, he could go there and then decide to come back??

I personally wouldn't trust the guy as far as I could drive him to insanity if his other kid still thinks his parents are happily married!

Oh and your dd won't remember him, it's amazing how quickly they forget, even for people who were constantly around...

My advice? Enjoy the singledom!!!

[bris_mummy-to-be17]

i agree.. what a ****head! i hope he realises he is walking out on the most amazing thing he will ever have in his life!!


if you dont want to talk to him maybe you could just send him a letter every month or two and attach a photo. Nothing too much in the letter, just a short and simple thing so he cant say you're not including him or something? (even though i dont blame you for not wanting to include him when he's walking out!)

I think he might be telling you those things just in case things dont work out up in woop woop, he might be hoping that you dont seem him as the ****head he is, so that he could come back?

My babys father isnt around, hasnt been around the whole pregnancy and cant imagine him being around when my beautiful girl is born. A lot of people think i should just let him walk into our lives when "hes good and ready" but **** him! if i had to grow up and change my life and prioritys for my beautiful little girl, than so can he! If he cant be a good father when he doesnt have to do things like change nappies, clean, dress, bath and all those things, than i doubt he can when she's here in my arms. Dont get me wrong - i want him to be apart of her life but there is no way im letting him just walk in and everything after ive worked so hard the last 8 months doing everything by myself.

Just remember that if he walked out now and decides to come back, whats to say he wont do it when she's 4 and can understand and will start asking things like "why did daddy leave again" etc. That will be so hard on you and your daughter so just think about you two - **** him he doesnt deserve to be a dad!

Good luck with you and ur little girl. I live in brissy too xoxo

[daisyxs]

id go with hitting him over the head!!

[bris_mummy-to-be17]

id go with hitting him over the head!!

ditto

[subaruforestermum]

My partner and I seperated after 5years when our son was 3 months old too, and yet he would tell me how much he loved me etc, yet say I'm not sure we can be together anymore....Yet turn around and tell me he loves me before he would leave each day when he came to see his son.......(we're back together)

In your situation this is my opinion;

I always wanted to live in Cooper Pedy, thought it would be cool, but now with a child I totally know where you are coming from.....I wouldnt do it either

I personally think, that although he is a complete idiot, and is walking out on you and your daughter, he is still the father, and unless he has physically hurt you etc, I think he has a right to see his daughter, as just because he is leaving it doesnt mean he doesnt love her.....

A leopard doesnt change his spots IYKWIM, he left his son, and know he is leaving his daughter, I think that maybe he is not ready to handle the responsibility of having children...again MO.....

Maybe if you have parents in Brissie or close friends that they can take your daughter to the park or something when he comes to visit, and he can meet them there......Therefor he still gets to see her, yet you dont have to.... And send him monthly letters with photos, or emails.....

Just my opinion, Im not saying what he has done is fine, but I think that every child deserves to know their parents (if possible)..

[Charis]

Wow this geographical thing in singledom is hard, isn't it! Big hugs to you Meandemily

Hmm just knowing what I know of a dear friend in Alice Springs and his partner, who broke up during pregnancy..but very committedly share the care of their littleun, they have a very mutual way of dealing with moving to other centres. Something that one of them will want to do, certainly at some stage. But to ensure that it will be positive for their bub to have the other partner want to move also. Everything comes into it career/$/family. I know that neither would move, if it would compromise the other in any of these terms.

Thus I think it is very blind of your 'fella' to think you'll just follow and that he could put Coober Pedy in front of you most special two! Aren't there some legal avenues which relate to the geographic locations of seperated parents and our kids?? Ie: I think if situation was reversed and you said you were off ie to Iceland, he could/would have some recourse to stop you??

All the best to you and bub and please let us know how you're going next week. Heaps of other great sounding Brissy Mums here..to help keep you strong over the next few weeks.

[Veritas]

Hugs to you darlin...

I gave my ex the choice that if he was to be involved in our little girls life, it had to be regular, reliable and good for her... he wasn't allowed to let her down, or show resentment etc, which I knew he felt.... the other option was to not be involved at all....

He chose no. 2.... he has chosen to have nothing to do with her and I ever.... and so has his family.... (mind you he made comment to my sister that he thinks he can just walk into her life when she's 16 and all will be ok... WTF)...

I think it is way healthier for children to have either a steady influence in their life .... so either a constant and reliable daddy or no daddy at all... coming from a single parent family where I never knew my dad, and my sisters had a very unreliable and unstable influence, I know I am definitely better of than they are now....

Best of luck....

Whilst single parenthood can be challenging... it is also very darn rewarding...

[polony]

Coober Pedy is a hole. Literally!!

to you and your gorgeous bubby! I hope things start to get better for you and maybe it is better that he is far, far away from you and bubs.

WE are always here on BH if you need help or someone to talk to.