+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,883
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    633
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Help - Interstate Bio Father wants DD to meet his GF

    Can someone please give me a bit of advice before I return DDs fathers call.

    DD is 2.5 and has seen her bio father once since she was 10 months old, he lives interstate. The last month or two he's been calling occasionally to talk to her but she doesn't really know who he is, I've tried explaining it the best I can but she never wants to speak to him on the phone.

    Anyway he emailed me this morning asking if him and his girlfriend (whom DD has never met) can come over for a weekend to see her. He CCd his girlfriend in on this email.

    This is the girl he was cheating on me with. I'm not so concerned about my feelings, I am wondering if him and his girlfriend turning up as 2 virtual strangers to DD is in her best interests? If he wants to start building a relationship with DD I think that's good but surely he'd work on that first before bringing the girlfriend?

    This is also the girlfriend who has apparently 'banned' him from seeing DD.

    I really don't know what to do/tell him??

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    8,245
    Thanks
    1,772
    Thanked
    2,017
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a weekBusiest Member of the Week - Most posts for the week ended 19/6/2014
    I think the father should be making an effort to establish a relationship with his DD. There is no need to bring his gf into it at this stage.
    Do you think he will want to maintain a relationship with your DD?

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    3,525
    Thanks
    1,890
    Thanked
    2,539
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    If he has only bothered to see his daughter once in almost 2 years then there is no way I'd be allowing him to bring his gf over OP! He would be welcome to see his daughter but he has a whole lot of ground to make up, and has not been a parent so has no parental rights at this point. I'd be insisting on some quality one-on-one time with DD before he introduces his gf. He needs to gradually become a trusted person and father to your DD and that's a long and gradual process. So no way would I be allowing him to involve his gf yet.

    If his gf is a major influence over his life with DD (or lack of) so far, then he completely has his priorities wrong as he is a grown adult and is able to choose his own priorities, which hasn't been DD so I'd be reminding him of that if he gets narky with you. You control the situation OP, you're the parent here

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,266
    Thanks
    469
    Thanked
    583
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I would email him a reply and say that you are pleased he is wanting to establish a relationship with dd, but that it needs to happen slowly and without the girlfriends involvement to begin with. There is no way I would agree to the girlfriend being there until dd was comfortable around her father.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,883
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    633
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Thanks everyone! I just wanted to make sure my own personal feelings towards him weren't clouding my judgement. I agree 100% that he should be building a relationship with DD first. He hasn't visited her at all since we've lived in different states, I took her to see him at Xmas last year, that's it. I'm really unsure if he wants to be permanently involved in DDs life, he's quite unstable and never does things he says he's going to so I'm hesitant to believe it will be an ongoing thing. I'm a bit worried about how he'll react, I can't imagine he'll be very happy but not much I can do about that I guess.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Jerilderie
    Posts
    1,050
    Thanks
    487
    Thanked
    519
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    It is an awkward decision especially with the history.

    End of the day how often do we introduce our children to people we they do not know. Do we only let them meet one person in a relationship because two is too much to handle.

    Sadly where contact is concerned sometimes more damage is done than good.

    If DD's dad wants to make contact and establish a relationship that is an excellent thing so long as there is no significant risk issues

    Risks are something you have to establish and I am posting on the assumption there are no significant risks.

    If he has a gf, however awkward this may be, she is a part of his life and it is inevitable she could become a part of DD's. I would just let it happen. I have had many people come in and out of the lives of my children ... I dont think it has done any damage, if anything it has been good for them. There are always risks and it is sad to see things made hard for people and others to miss out for a potential risk that often proves to have been fine


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

    turning wood into art

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Jerilderie
    Posts
    1,050
    Thanks
    487
    Thanked
    519
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    And it is a sort of 'in your face' to the gf who stopped contact


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

    turning wood into art

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    986
    Thanks
    17
    Thanked
    230
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I wouldn't expect a two year old to have a phone conversation with someone she doesn't know ( or someone she does sometimes!) I'd ask him to provide photos or send letters on an ongoing basis to help introduce him and to test his commitment. I don't really think it matters if the Gf is there or not but him appearing and reappearing randomly throughout your daughters life will be very confusing. As the previous poster said we can meet people intermittently in our lives and not see them again but the way children internalize this is completely different to parents friends or distant relatives than parents.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    3,525
    Thanks
    1,890
    Thanked
    2,539
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by DaveTTC View Post
    End of the day how often do we introduce our children to people we they do not know. Do we only let them meet one person in a relationship because two is too much to handle.
    We're not talking just anyone here, this is the child's father, and that's a big deal for kids. My DS's dad and I split when I was still pregnant and thus DS has never lived with his dad. But I can tell you with bsolute certainty that he has always known who his dad is - he just knew from birth even though his dad was just another visitor really when DS was a baby. It's very important for children to establish a relationship with their parent (where possible) and to have alone time with each parent.

    I remember being 6 or 7 when dad met my step-mother and suddenly alone time with dad be ame almost non-existent. That was the end of my close relationship with dad. I always had a relationship with my dad though, but this child hasn't, and alone time with him is crucial IMO if he wants to establish a relationship at this point. How is this child meant to get to know her dad with the gf always present and coming between them? The child will resent it and they won't ever get that level of intimacy between a parent and child.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    1,500
    Thanks
    281
    Thanked
    267
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Agreed with the last response. I witnessed the emotional gap widen drastically between ex and our kids (esp the eldest) when their dad started seeing someone- not simply because he was in a relationship, but because he immediately moved this person into his home and stopped spending time with the kids alone. He basically went from regularly taking them out, playing with them etc to staying home, hardly leaving the house while they were in his care, and only taking them anywhere when the GF went with them. (Before anyone asks how I know, it's through what the kids tell me, what I see and through mutual friends.) If this guy hasn't seen his daughter for- well, ever by the sounds of it- I agree, he should be making an effort to get to know her by himself before bringing some girlfriend into it. She could be gone anytime, but he will be her parent forever. I disagree that it's good for kids to have random people coming and going out of their lives all the time...if this is the first time he's actually initiated contact with his child and he has to bring the girlfriend along, that seems to say that his priorities are somewhat out of whack to me. I really don't understand why guys always have to involve their gfs in everything so soon. Are they just unable to cope with parenting truly on their own?


 

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 7
    Last Post: 29-05-2013, 13:30
  2. Flying interstate
    By march2013 in forum Third Trimester Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 06-01-2013, 20:45
  3. Interstate moving tips
    By tired*mummy in forum House & Gardens
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 13-09-2012, 06:30

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Softer than your bub's bum Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Australia's favourite eco brand has delivered a gorgeous baby collection. Made from organic bamboo, Boody's extraordinarily soft and stretchy, skin-friendly tops, bottoms, onesies, bibs and wraps don't 'cost the earth'. Get 20% OFF! Code BUBHUB16.
sales & new stuffsee all
True Fairies
True Fairies is the first interactive website where children can engage and speak with a real fairy through the unique webcam fairy portal. Each session is tailored to the child, and is filled with enchantment and magic.
Visit website to find out more!
featured supporter
Innovations Sports Physiotherapy
Women’s Health Physios who are able to assess and treat a wide range of Pregnancy and Post Natal Issues. We offer Post Natal Pilates Classes taken by our Physios. These classes help you rebuild strength through your Core and Pelvic Floor.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!