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  1. #41
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    What I think is fair for us.

    I do the vast majority of the child related caring. If they wake at night - I get up. I will bath them most nights. I put them to bed every night. I'm pretty much responsible for them 24/7 unless he specifically takes them out of the house. But katelyn is incredibly clingy to me, and jasper goes through patches of being clingy to me, so there's not a lot of choice in that the household runs smoother if I'm meeting their needs.

    I do more laundry than him because I'm home to be able to do it.

    I can cook, and more importantly, I can manage a food budget, so I do the majority of the cooking. I also wash most of the dishes.

    But, he does all the yard work and takes care of the car (inside and out). On the weekend we share things like dusting, vacuuming, general cleaning and tidying the house, thought he'll do more cleaning in the garage/office and I'll do bedrooms, kitchen and living spaces. We also do the grocery shopping together.

    We probably have the balance right because I feel like he should do more and he feels like he does more than enough.

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  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    To play Devil's advocate, I do not believe for one second that "fair" depends on individual family circumstances. I believe that to be a cop out that is just reinforcing outdated social constructions that housework/childcare is predominately women's work.

    It shouldn't matter what your family arrangement is, those household duties and childcare responsibilities, should fall equally on both adults. There's absolutely no reason why they can't, except for those outdated excused "well, I'm home more" or "he needs to relax when he comes home" and "he works so hard". Well you know what? SO DO YOU!

    Mothers, of all descriptions, work damn hard, and did you know, that even in families where BOTH parents are working equal hours outside of the home, it is still the woman who does the vast majority of household duties and childcare.

    The only way things are ever going to change, is to lead by example. Pass on to your own children that household and childcare duties should be equal within the home, regardless of what happens outside of the home, and you are instilling those values in to them, that they may too role model on to their own children and so on and so forth. Eventually (but yes, very very slowly) changing the way society thinks, and then perhaps one day, the social construction that household and childcare duties are that of a woman, will be over.
    That is music to my ears!! I was wondering when someone would point out the obvious.
    House work is split 50/50 here, same with baby duties when we are both homes. Hopefully that will raise a good man

  3. #43
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    This is what works for us.

    I do all the homemaking and he does all the housemaking (owner building). We parent together.

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  5. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Addicted to Love View Post
    Thats a stupid thing to say, of course individual circumstances come into play. What about shift workers, what if one parent has an illness, what if the SAHM genuinely enjoys taking on 100% of the homemaker role (lots do and that's fine too). There are a multitude of reasons why 50/50 may not work for some families, and while this is how we manage it in MY home I would never presume this should be the case for everyone.
    I'd hardly call it stupid. Obviously there would be exceptions for illness or homemaker preference. I didn't think I would need to state the obvious.

    But as for hours worked, in my opinion, that doesn't weigh in to the equation. The home belongs to both parties, therefore, both parties should expect an equal distribution of duties within the home.

    The biggest point I was trying to make, perhaps poorly, is that an equal distribution of household duties should be the norm, and any deviation from that the exception. Unlike as it currently stands, where an unequal distribution of household duties (which is mostly lumped on the woman of the house) is the norm and any deviation from that (like my own family) is the exception.

  6. #45
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    I find staying at home far easier than working full time ( i only have 1 pretty easy going toddler though) and as DH works long hours and 6 dsys I like him to be able to come home and spend time with DS not do more work so I do most things inside and the majority of the cooking as I like to cook ( plus we have a cleaner ) but he does all the lawns , rubbish and general maintenance and when we are home we parent together - DH usually does bath and we both put DS to bed and read stories - I'm lucky DH gets up early and gets DS brekky before he goes to work so I can sleep in!

  7. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    I'd hardly call it stupid. Obviously there would be exceptions for illness or homemaker preference. I didn't think I would need to state the obvious.

    But as for hours worked, in my opinion, that doesn't weigh in to the equation. The home belongs to both parties, therefore, both parties should expect an equal distribution of duties within the home.

    The biggest point I was trying to make, perhaps poorly, is that an equal distribution of household duties should be the norm, and any deviation from that the exception. Unlike as it currently stands, where an unequal distribution of household duties (which is mostly lumped on the woman of the house) is the norm and any deviation from that (like my own family) is the exception.
    I think free time should be 50-50, not necessarily household 'work.' I had an easy baby and if I was to make hubby do 50% of the cleaning, washing and cooking while I was on mat leave then that would make me .... dare I say a bludger and it would be very unfair on my hubby.

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  9. #47
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    The idea that household chores & management is 'womens work' is one of those things that really gets my blood boiling! Feminist alert!

    We currently split everything 50/50, in theory, as we work the same hours. DH has designated chores each week which include vacuuming & mopping & yes I nag if they aren't done! I do most of the cleaning but DH does most of the cooking. Either of us will do the dishes, grocery shopping, pick stuff up for dinner on our way home. My DH doesn't make a mess, I do, so I'm usually tidying up after myself only, which is fine by me.

    I will be a SAHM Mum soon, but just for a year. I plan to establish the amount of 'work' we both do each day (time spent on ---) & then work out what an even share is. In saying all that, im not sure how im going to quantify caring for a baby. However, the fact that I happen to be in a house, our house, does not mean I am doing nothing all day & should become the cleaner.

    To me, fair is having the same amount of responsibility and the same amount of time to relax.

    And ladies, there is a big difference (in my opinion) between being a 'house wife' or a 'SAHM'. Parenting all day is work! Being a house wife, to me, is more reflective of someone that just doesn't work - i.e. no kids at home. In which case, I think it is fair to assume more household duties.

    But if you are a SAHM, trying to manage all the chores & taking care of all of the other household related matters (buying gifts, school stuff, paying bills, managing the budget) you really have a lot on your plate and you deserve support!

    Read some stats on the distribution of household chores by gender, then you'll see just how unbalanced it is & it might help you reflect on whether your own relationship is actually fair.

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  11. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I think free time should be 50-50, not necessarily household 'work.' I had an easy baby and if I was to make hubby do 50% of the cleaning, washing and cooking while I was on mat leave then that would make me .... dare I say a bludger and it would be very unfair on my hubby.
    I agree with this. If I spent 2 hours on by hub during the day doing nothing while a baby slept that needs to be taken into account when asking DH to do housework. Both people need an equal amount of downtime and for me I get that during the day rather than at night. That's when I do my cleaning.

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  13. #49
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    My DF works full time, while I am a SAHM with an 11 week old. He is not that great with day sleeps so a lot of the time when I am home alone with him, the brief periods of sleep time, I spend doing things like eating and showering. If I have time I try to do the important stuff like wash dishes, put on a load of wasing etc. When DF gets home, he will take over most of the baby duties apart from feeding. If he has DS I will make dinner and do some housework. If DS is feeding at the time then DF will take care of dinner.
    If I have a good day with DS and he sleeps heaps (pretty rare) I will get as much housework done as I can. I like being able to get it all done during the day so that DF and I have more time to spend together when he gets home.
    On the weekends, we probably both do 50/50 with baby and house stuff.

    For us, there are no rules or set jobs, we just do what needs to be done. We don't stress or argue about who does more work, if something doesn't get done it's not a big deal.

  14. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    But as for hours worked, in my opinion, that doesn't weigh in to the equation. The home belongs to both parties, therefore, both parties should expect an equal distribution of duties within the home.

    The biggest point I was trying to make, perhaps poorly, is that an equal distribution of household duties should be the norm, and any deviation from that the exception. Unlike as it currently stands, where an unequal distribution of household duties (which is mostly lumped on the woman of the house) is the norm and any deviation from that (like my own family) is the exception.
    There are more ways to contribute to a household than just housework and child care duties, contributing financially to the household is important too.

    By your logic, that would mean financial responsibilities would also fall on both adults as this would be part of the "equal distribution of household duties".

    This would mean a lot of SAHM's would have to return to work, which they may not want to do.

    Although we mostly work from home, DF works out of the house a few days a week, so I pick up the slack at home while he's out. When he gets home, he takes over care of DS. To me that's 50/50.

    Ok so DS is going to see me do more housework than DF, but as he gets older I'll involve him in the cooking and cleaning, so he learns that it's not just "women's work". I think him watching me sit on my a$$ half the day because I've done my 50% is probably setting a worse example!

    As I said in my previous post, I would like DF to pitch in more on the day-to-day, but it's not because DF thinks it's "women's work", it's because he's just lazy!

    I think as long as everyone within the household is happy with the way the duties are distributed, that's setting a better example for your children about teamwork and contributing to the family anyway.

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