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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    To play Devil's advocate, I do not believe for one second that "fair" depends on individual family circumstances. I believe that to be a cop out that is just reinforcing outdated social constructions that housework/childcare is predominately women's work.

    It shouldn't matter what your family arrangement is, those household duties and childcare responsibilities, should fall equally on both adults. There's absolutely no reason why they can't, except for those outdated excused "well, I'm home more" or "he needs to relax when he comes home" and "he works so hard". Well you know what? SO DO YOU!

    Mothers, of all descriptions, work damn hard, and did you know, that even in families where BOTH parents are working equal hours outside of the home, it is still the woman who does the vast majority of household duties and childcare.

    The only way things are ever going to change, is to lead by example. Pass on to your own children that household and childcare duties should be equal within the home, regardless of what happens outside of the home, and you are instilling those values in to them, that they may too role model on to their own children and so on and so forth. Eventually (but yes, very very slowly) changing the way society thinks, and then perhaps one day, the social construction that household and childcare duties are that of a woman, will be over.
    I agree with the principle. I really do. But I also think there has to be some give and take depending on each family's circumstances.

    Provided both parties are happy with the division - whatever it may be - then I don't see the harm.

  2. #32
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    subbing for when DD isn't eating my fingers

  3. #33
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    I do the lion's share of the housework, but my dh currently works 6 - sometimes 7 - days a week. He is really very good with doing what is needed around the house, but usually ds just wants to play with him when he gets home. This is more important to me, to enable him to have that time with his son without feeling like there are chores to do. If he were to come home and retreat into a room on the computer or something I would imagine I would be quite resentful, but he genuinely enjoys his afternoons with ds.

    Also there are many times (like last night) where he was up for another 2 hours after ds went to bed doing bits and pieces around the house, while I lounged around watching crappy tv.

  4. #34
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    Stuff "fair".

    The way it works in our house is I do what I can, when I can. If I'm struggling, I ask for help and dh picks up the slack and sometimes takes over completely until I am fit and well enough to resume. We are a team, we dont divide duties according to fairness, we just work together and do whatever it takes to reach a common goal of raising a well adjusted family. Sometimes dh gets overwhelmed with having to work full time and pull his weight around the house and he asks me for help and I do what I can to ease the weight on his shoulders so it does go both ways but mostly its him pitching in to make my life easier as he has a higher threshold before he loses his bananas.

    Especially If you have suffered PND make sure you prioritise your health and well being or it's easy to slip into a dark hole.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    It shouldn't matter what your family arrangement is, those household duties and childcare responsibilities, should fall equally on both adults.
    If one person does paid work, and one doesn't... how can it be fair for ALL child care and housework to be split evenly? If both partners do an equal amount of paid work as well then sure that might be a fair point, although even then it would depend on the individuals.

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  8. #36
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    This is a major bone of contention in our house....
    DH is OCD with cleaning and I'm a bit more relaxed... His mum is what I would call a perfect housewife, so he grew up in a house like a showhome with a mum who ironed everything!
    I didn't I grew up in a house where (after my siblings were born) it was ok for our toys to be out. DH freaks out about ds's toys laying out!
    He also thinks that the housework is how I contribute to the household because I'm not doing so financially. I don't tend to agree there but that's another argument. I have days where I just can't be bothered and as soon as he walks in the door and sees the washing no folded and toys everywhere he gets annoyed.....
    Not saying I don't do anything, just ds is a hurricane! I can clean up and half an hour it will be a mess again
    I wish it was more 50/50 or that he at least when he comes home would bath and do night routine with ds because he doesn't so any of that


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  9. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    To play Devil's advocate, I do not believe for one second that "fair" depends on individual family circumstances. I believe that to be a cop out that is just reinforcing outdated social constructions that housework/childcare is predominately women's work.

    It shouldn't matter what your family arrangement is, those household duties and childcare responsibilities, should fall equally on both adults. There's absolutely no reason why they can't, except for those outdated excused "well, I'm home more" or "he needs to relax when he comes home" and "he works so hard". Well you know what? SO DO YOU!

    Mothers, of all descriptions, work damn hard, and did you know, that even in families where BOTH parents are working equal hours outside of the home, it is still the woman who does the vast majority of household duties and childcare.

    The only way things are ever going to change, is to lead by example. Pass on to your own children that household and childcare duties should be equal within the home, regardless of what happens outside of the home, and you are instilling those values in to them, that they may too role model on to their own children and so on and so forth. Eventually (but yes, very very slowly) changing the way society thinks, and then perhaps one day, the social construction that household and childcare duties are that of a woman, will be over.
    Thats a stupid thing to say, of course individual circumstances come into play. What about shift workers, what if one parent has an illness, what if the SAHM genuinely enjoys taking on 100% of the homemaker role (lots do and that's fine too). There are a multitude of reasons why 50/50 may not work for some families, and while this is how we manage it in MY home I would never presume this should be the case for everyone.

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  11. #38
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    For us, dh takes care of outside (mowing, gardening etc) as this is something that he can do on his days off and I do everything else, only asking that he tidies up general mess and takes the rubbish out. With his work hours, there is no way I would want him to do any more.

    This would change if I was working.

  12. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Renn View Post
    If one person does paid work, and one doesn't... how can it be fair for ALL child care and housework to be split evenly? If both partners do an equal amount of paid work as well then sure that might be a fair point, although even then it would depend on the individuals.
    This exactly. Dh is gone 11.5 hours m-f, including commute time. He works damn hard while he's gone, helps with the kids & dishes in the evening & pitches in on weekends. No way on earth would I turn around and say "sorry hun, I've done my 50%, you can vacuum & do the bathrooms"

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  14. #40
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    How things happen in my home is ..
    I'm a shift worker 4 on 4 off. Dh works mon to fri 6 to 430 and saturdays until 12pm.
    On my days off I clean,take care of ds and sometimes cook.
    When dh gets home he doesn't clean. He might cook and play with ds for a bit but mainly I still am taking care of ds until bath time.
    Between my 4 shifts I still clean. Daycare helps take care of ds. Dh doesn't do much. On night shifts he collect ds from daycare and does his dinner and bed routine.
    Doesn't clean one bit.
    So when I'm on days off I am cleaning from those nights where kitchen etc is left a mess.
    And round we go again.
    I suppose this is fair. But sometime on my days off I actually would love a day off. I think that just comes with having kids. We don't get breaks


 

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