Ex and I are not able to come to an agreement regarding the arrangement we have in place at the moment. This is probably going to be a bit jumbled because I'm angry and my heads all foggy because I'm coming down with a cold.
DD is almost 5 and since she started going to stay overnight with him when she was a toddler, it's pretty much been on Ex's terms. He has Sunday, Mondays off and I usually don't know if he's seeing her that weekend until Friday or Saturday before when he texts me telling me what time to drop her off or pick her up. He then returns her on the Monday at whatever time suits him. We live 50 mins away from him so we share the drop off and pick ups, if he drops her off I pick her up and vice versa.
Every second weekend or so he'll say he has to work or can't have her because he has something on but usually doesn't let me know until a few days before that weekend. My DH only gets Sundays off and with the arrangements we have now, it makes it really hard to plan family time together with my DH, our 17 month old DD and DD.
He is never flexible with times, he will request we drop her off at a time that suits him on that Sunday and he will drop her back whenever suits him on the Monday, it could be between 12 - 5. Once he dropped her back early without telling us and we were in the middle of grocery shopping and had to rush home. Another time we asked him if we could drop her off at 11am on that Sunday so we could take the girls to a fete for an hour in the morning but no, she HAD to be there at 10am because they were rushing off somewhere. So DD missed out on the fete because we had to drop her off at 10am. But then when we get there, him and his GF are still asleep in bed, not ready to go anywhere!
Today is pretty much the last straw, we're sick of him never being flexible or telling us what's going on and only having DD when it suits him and his social life. I text him this morning asking whether instead of me picking her up this afternoon, would it be okay if DH picks her up at 7pm on his way back from an appointment he has near his house because I've woken up with the awful cold that DD has just had and I'm not feeling up for a 2 hour drive. He didn't respond very nicely saying that he has plans at lunch time and he only gets 2 days off a week and that we organised for me to pick her up at lunch time.
Its so frustrating because we never organised a specific time, he did mention in passing I could pick her up FROM lunchtime if it's easier with the traffic, but that was it and he never mentioned he made plans.
I replied saying I thought he'd be happy to get to spend a bit of extra time with his daughter and if it's that big of a deal I'm sure his mum would be happy to watch her after she finishes work until DH could get there. (His mum lives a few houses up, and she loves anytime she gets to spend with DD. She doesn't get along with Ex or his gf very well, so doesn't get to see her much when DD's with her dad) he goes off on a rant about how I have no respect for anyone but myself and I'll never change and fine just get your slave to pick her up tonight.
I then suggested that if it's easier for him and his social life we can change the arrangements so he can have DD every second weekend, and when she starts school next year it'll have to be that way anyway. He replies that no when she goes to school it won't change, he'll still be having her every weekend. I replied saying that it's fair that we both get a weekend with her a fortnight because during the week I wont get any free time with her and that we can organise for him to have some school holidays as well and if we can't come to an agreement we'll have to try mediation or court. He then replies with a lovely abusive message about how I'm so full of ****, I don't think about anyone but myself and I couldn't be &*#$ed picking my daughter up because it didn't fit into my slack as$ schedule and he's sick of being used by me, that court will be the best thing and he will end up getting every weekend.
DH is so angry at how he talks to me and how he's acting he wants me to get the ball rolling on getting a custody agreement drawn up ASAP so we don't have to put up with it anymore. I seriously try to have a normal conversation with ex and he always ends up turning nasty and abusive. His own mother can't deal with him either because he's the same with her. I should mention ex is a pothead and most of the aggression and moodiness is because of that. I have no recent proof that he's still doing it aside from his behaviour but I suspect he's just gotten better at hiding it. he still hangs around all his shady mates that do it, and he's tried to quit but never been successful for more than a few weeks. Once when DD was about 3, I picked her up from his place and used the bathroom, the one DD shared, and found a bong sitting in plain view next to the sink. I couldn't say anything until I'd left, but I've never been so angry in my life and threatened to stop him from seeing DD unless he cleaned up his act.
I know there's nothing I can really do about the drug use so long as he's taking good care of DD, I just have to accept that's what her fathers like and try and do my best to raise her well so she stays away from that lifestyle. She adores him and always looks forward to seeing him and he is a good dad in that sense.
Sorry for the novel, but I need help with where to start when drawing up a custody arrangement. Surely a judge wouldn't award him every weekend? He's not going to come to a civil agreement so where do I start?