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  1. #21
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    Mmmm. I'm sure it can.

    Then again I do it with certain things too. Poor DH. Downtrodden and abused with weekend vacuuming, flat packing and picture hanging.

  2. #22
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    I agree that it's not necessarily all one sided etc, but one bitten twice shy in my case, as it definitely morphed into something really ugly, and it was an experience I'm hopefully never going to have again.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AM View Post
    I agree that it's not necessarily all one sided etc, but one bitten twice shy in my case, as it definitely morphed into something really ugly, and it was an experience I'm hopefully never going to have again.
    Yeah I understand and I was being facetious. I don't doubt it can be an alarm bell in certain circumstances. I just don't think not being able to find things in the fridge or cupboard is anything too sinister. Or stack the dishwasher without wiping down the bench and sink.

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  5. #24
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    I hate this dynamic in our house. It leads to me thinking DH is useless and him thinking I'm a stressed out nag. Stuff like he doesn't even understand how to follow the discipline technique we agreed on. DS ran out of oat milk yesterday so DH buys him soy milk - which he can't have. Sometimes I feel it would be easier just to do it all myself.

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    I agreed with the article but after reading the responses to this thread, I feel incredibly lucky. I have just started my second round of maternity leave but before that both DH and I worked four days a week, with DS in child care three days. Whilst I agree that I run the household in that I shop, do most of the cooking, pay the bills and generally am across what is happening, DH is an equal partner in parenting and housework. I'm about to have baby #2 and I have no concerns at all about my four night stay in hospital, DH will have no issues looking after the house and caring for DS.

  7. #26
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    I think people are completely missing the point of the article. It's not about men who don't do their share, or who are deliberately useless at stuff. It's about how the realities of one parent being at home for a period (essentially the mother) means she slowly becomes the 'CEO of the household'
    DP gets so frustrated that he forgets house stuff all the time. He offers to cook 2 or 3 times a week, but I meal plan and do the weekly shopping as it's easier and cheaper to do it that way, so I mostly decide it's easier for me to cook every night.
    I know who needs what medicine because I am the one who takes them to the Doctors. I know what lightbulb we need because I do the shopping, so I check. I keep a keen eye on the clock to know when to leave an outing before the kids get too ratty because I do it 7 days a week, not 2. That sort of thing.
    I got really upset at DP the other week because we missed DD's nap time by an hour, because I wasn't thinking about it. But because I was around, he hadn't even thought to keep an eye on the time.
    Anyway. Partners who slack off isn't what I was talking about. But as usual someone drags it into 'y/our men are useless free loaders.' territory. I thought we could have a more nuanced discussion about how perfectly capable, present and enthusiastic men become 2ICs in their family, and how couples who have every intention of sharing the load, who both believe in equality, end up slipping into traditional gender roles.

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  9. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by AM View Post
    Yep. The reason they do it is quite simple. Because the KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that if they don't do these particular thigs, then you WILL. So they simply don't bother doing stuff that they don't HAVE to.

    They do it 'cos they get away with it.

    I see it as basic disrespect of their partner, and I will be trying my utmost to find a guy who does not operate this way (there are those who don't!) as I refuse to be in that kind of relationship ever again.

    As far as I'm concerned it rings big warning bells, and can easily (though not always) develop into more and more disrespectful behaviour, and sometimes unfortunately abuse (discussed in length in the book I mentioned)
    Sorry I have to say I actually find this laughable. And I will say quite confidently you don't know what you're talking about. My DP is one of the most strident feminists I know. I don't think there is any danger of his behaviour becoming abusive.
    I'm sorry you have had that experience with men. But this gender divide can happen to any couple. I don't know of any couple who has children where this divide hasn't happened between the primary carer and the partner who goes to work- even with same sex couples!

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I think people are completely missing the point of the article. It's not about men who don't do their share, or who are deliberately useless at stuff. It's about how the realities of one parent being at home for a period (essentially the mother) means she slowly becomes the 'CEO of the household'
    DP gets so frustrated that he forgets house stuff all the time. He offers to cook 2 or 3 times a week, but I meal plan and do the weekly shopping as it's easier and cheaper to do it that way, so I mostly decide it's easier for me to cook every night.
    I know who needs what medicine because I am the one who takes them to the Doctors. I know what lightbulb we need because I do the shopping, so I check. I keep a keen eye on the clock to know when to leave an outing before the kids get too ratty because I do it 7 days a week, not 2. That sort of thing.
    I got really upset at DP the other week because we missed DD's nap time by an hour, because I wasn't thinking about it. But because I was around, he hadn't even thought to keep an eye on the time.
    Anyway. Partners who slack off isn't what I was talking about. But as usual someone drags it into 'y/our men are useless free loaders.' territory. I thought we could have a more nuanced discussion about how perfectly capable, present and enthusiastic men become 2ICs in their family, and how couples who have every intention of sharing the load, who both believe in equality, end up slipping into traditional gender roles.
    Apologies. I can't read the article because I have hit my quote of free SMH articles for the month. So I just assumed what it was about.

    It sound fascinating and I completely agree re the CEO/2iC divide.
    Last edited by NancyBlackett; 18-08-2013 at 14:56.

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    I see the point & I agree. It's frustrating when my dh asks me where's my........? Or do we have any .......left? There was a time he'd just sort himself out, but I'm home he's working & I put everything away & know if we've run out of something. He often sounds really needy & lazy buts its not the case. Sometimes it's just easier to do things myself, not because he won't or can't but he messes with my routine & rhythm!
    Last edited by Miados2007; 18-08-2013 at 15:41.

  13. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Sorry I have to say I actually find this laughable. And I will say quite confidently you don't know what you're talking about. My DP is one of the most strident feminists I know. I don't think there is any danger of his behaviour becoming abusive.
    I'm sorry you have had that experience with men. But this gender divide can happen to any couple. I don't know of any couple who has children where this divide hasn't happened between the primary carer and the partner who goes to work- even with same sex couples!
    Well that's funny, 'cos I lived it! I (of course) have no idea who your Hubby is, so wasn't actually talking about him, but I have talked to quite a few women who have survived abusive relationships, and have also read quite a few books about it, and yes, it is a common thread that does weave through the majority of them.

    If this kind of behaviour is fine with both parties, and they can live within it, then that's great, kudos to them, I managed to as well for a number of years, until the behaviour escalated. Sometimes it will escalate, sometimes not.

    When the behaviour becomes a major source of discontent in the relationship, well that's a problem.

    I just prefer not to go there AT ALL from past experience.

    And the author says that we as women enjoy the CEO role, and overdo it, and that we should absent ourselves from it as much as possible to 'make' the guys take responsibility, well, shouldn't they just shoulder their fair share of the load because they had an equal input into creating the family? I think that is a cop-out. And it lets the men off yet again, as obviously the woman isn't 'absenting' herself enough!


 

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