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  1. #1
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    Default Dementia. Please help I'm a mess right now.

    As some might already know I care for my grandmother who has bad dementia, honestly she should really be in a home but that's a long story so we won't go there.
    She has her 42 year old autistic son living with her, he always has lived with her, and he keeps a good eye on her but during the day he is out with friends etc and that's where I'm always over there, caring for her. I also have power of attorney so I do all her banking etc.

    Well she has been gradually turning very nasty, I'm told by her Doctor it's apart of the disease.
    But it's getting out of control for me.
    Today I did her usual Friday food shop, it's usually $150 but today she put a few extra things on the list, so it was $170.
    Well she went off at me, saying, "what do think I just won the lottery? Your stealing my money you little b!tch"
    She wouldn't stop.
    I keep her bank cards on me as she always looses them, she gets things mixed up and is not mentally fit to have important things like kept on her (she gave a JW who was at her door her bank card and PIN number to go down to buy her beer, she has had bowel and liver cancer and is on medication so she cannot drink, thankfully the JW just took the card to the bank and they called me)
    I do not spend any of her money unless its for, food, paying her bills etc. I only spend it on her.
    But I will get phone calls saying someone has stolen her card because she can't find it, I tell her I have it, she will abuse me and tell me I've left her with no money or that I've stolen off her poor grandmother and I should rot.
    She has quite a lot of money in the bank from house investments from when she was younger, so she isn't poor, but she THINKS she is and will go to extremes like eating a banana a day as she is convinced she is broke. That's why I now go over daily to care for her.
    There are so many other things, but all in all I have no idea how to cope somedays.
    She use to love me, so much.
    Now she flat out hates me and I know it's her illness but it hurts so much.

    Today, I went there and she has a dog.
    A little lap dog who is lovely and I've looked after him many times in the past.
    He is beautiful.
    Today she wouldn't stop hitting him with a rolled up news paper.
    I told her to stop, but she wouldn't.
    After I got the dog off her and tried to calm him down my grandmother just sat there laughing in hysterics.
    It was by far one of the most distressing things I've seen from her, the way she laughed I can't even put it into words.
    I didn't want to leave her with the dog, but we are in a rental and have no pets on the lease.
    When we applied for this house it was pets accepted, we didn't have any so we left it.
    I've come home and spoken to DH and we have agreed to talk to our PM and make an offer to pay extra rent to see if the owners would consider letting us have the dog.
    I honesty feel sick that the dog is still in her care.
    I can't report her as she won't understand the warning they will give, if they take the dog I don't know where he will go so I would rather us try and take him before looking at the options of finding him a different home.
    The dog has always been very well looked after, he still is, but today really frightened me.
    In took him for his vaccinations last week and the vet said he was very healthy etc so she does look after him in that sense. Today was the first time I've seen anything like this.
    I'm at home now having a near anxiety attack over it.
    I've been in tears, I've gone through the notions of "stuff the real estate I'm going to pick up the dog now" to "it's best just to wait until Monday to ask"
    I'm a total mess.
    I just want the dog here with me right now!
    I can't stop crying over everything.
    The hate my grandmother has for me, the way I've completely lost who she was, the fact she thinks my daughter is just a child I baby sit, I'm upset about the dog, I'm just so distraught right now.

    How do I handle this disease?
    Is its really terrible of me to think sometimes it would be easier if she just passed in her sleep as her quality of life is nothing now?
    How do I stop feeling so guilty about not just taking the dog today?
    How do I settle myself down enough to just stop crying over today?
    Has anyone had a loved one go through dementia?
    Please tell me how to cope with the constant feeling of second guessing my actions incase it provokes the nasty side of her?
    How to I handle her new found hate for me?
    Tonight I'm mainly in such a state over the dog, I feel so guilty.
    I've tried having a nap when dh came home but I had nightmares over everything in this post plus some.
    I do not know how to make it through the night.

    I'm sorry of this is all over the place I'm just so upset.
    I just needed to get it all out somewhere.

  2. #2
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    Have you called the Dementia behaviour advisory service in your state? If you can tell me what state you are in I can help find you a contact.

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    Also, has she been assessed by ACAT? And does she see a gerontologist?

    You may be able to get some services in to the home with a care package and some respite.

    Unfortunately you may have to remove the dog from her care.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialPatrolGroup View Post
    Have you called the Dementia behaviour advisory service in your state? If you can tell me what state you are in I can help find you a contact.
    This, I'm sorry to hear this is happening. Dementia is really difficult for everyone, especially the carers. My aunty died pretty young from alzheimers and my nanna dementia. The nastiness is a very common and sad thing that happens and it's really hard but important to remember that this is not them, it's the disease.

    You need to look into a range of services from local council, speak to her gp etc and get some things happening. Without support from agencies, you will be swallowed up by this. It's very possible that she will need a more permanent care option too.

    You might find some useful information here:

    http://www.fightdementia.org.au/serv...d-support.aspx

    you can't do this alone.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialPatrolGroup View Post
    Have you called the Dementia behaviour advisory service in your state? If you can tell me what state you are in I can help find you a contact.
    I haven't no, I haven't contacted/spoken to anyone about this besides her doctors.
    I'm in QLD.

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    Oh my goodness, you poor thing. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you sound like you're doing a fantastic job with taking care of your grandmother. And you're doing the right thing by waiting to ask your real estate about the dog, you don't want to take the dog then be told that you have to get rid of it or move, you don't need that extra stress right now.

    I don't have any advice about what to do with your grandmothers nastiness.

    Take care of yourself and know that you're doing a wonderful thing by taking care of her.

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    Liddybugs  (16-08-2013)

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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    Here is a link - DBMS

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    Its late now so I would go pick up the dog tomorrow morning, just to ease your mind.

    Do you have any other people who can hell you look after your grandmother? Aside from her son living with her of course. You are dealing with a lot.

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    Oh hugs, that sounds really difficult. You are doing a really good job!!

    PP mentioned a really good resource.

    Others are Commonwealth Carelink and Respite Centre - 1800 052 222. I would ring them and register at least, and if I were you I would also ask for a referral to speak to a social worker. It sounds like you (very understandably!) need some support, both with coping as a carer and how to navigate the whole process.

    Aged Care Information Line is also a good one - 1800 200 422

    There's also often a Carers network in each state who should be able to provide some support. Eg Carers Qld

    There is lots of help out there so please reach out! You are doing an incredible job in a very tough situation! You can organise packages of care at home for your grandmother, and respite for you - this will be done through an ACAS/ACAT assessment. If you want to PM me your location, I can tell you which centre covers your area

    Do you have any help from any community organizations? Does your autistic uncle?

    Best of luck.
    Last edited by MamaNurture; 16-08-2013 at 20:50.

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    You've been given some great advice above don't have anything to add just wanted to send some big hugs. Careers like you are amazing and your often forgotten or not given the kudos you deserve. I'm a nurse and have looked after numerous people with dementia it's very very tough!

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