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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by FallenAngel14 View Post
    Hi I am needing some advice. I desperately want a 4th child and my husband doesn't. I am over 30 and have previously need ivf/fertility treatments to fall pregnant. We had a "chat" about it the other night which turned into an argument and we are now not speaking, and he was adamant that he didn't want anymore and said that he understands that I do and how it's really important for me. He then said that because he knows it's a big thing for that if I want a 4th it would mean divorce and finding a new partner to have a 4th with. He says his main concern is financial. Which I do understand, but he earns over 150k a yr and we are pretty financially stable, however we don't own our own home (renting) which I know is a massive concern for him. I feel like this is an impossible situation as no matter which way it turns out we will both end up unhappy, resentful of the other and probably divorced anyway. What do I do?
    I'm pregnant with no 3 and a year ago I was exactly in your position.

    The arguments were horrid. Wed go for days without talking. My dh also earns good cash and his concerns were financial also, on top of other issues that we were having.

    I gave him a 3 month break from nagging and told him I wouldn't push the issue for that period of time.

    In the end, due to me compromising on his career demands, he came around to the idea of no3. So it's worked out for me.

    If he had said no, it would have broken my heart, but I would never have left him. It would have made the future difficult but I still love him and I have 2 beautiful children already.

    Can u ask him to sleep on it for a while? 6 months, and see how you both feel then?

    Good luck xo

  2. #12
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    MrJones&Me is offline sometimes as useless as the 'ueue' in queue
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    Subbing to listen, I am on the other end of the argument.

  3. #13
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    I am on the other side of the argument. I cannot do another baby because I can't handle being a crippled pregnant Mum again (SPD) and I don't want to do that to my 3 existing children. DH and I have always said that we would have 4, but given what I have gone through it isn't a great option anymore. He is devastated. He brings up having a 4th in every way he can with guilt trips, tears, saying he feels incomplete etc. It is very hard for me because I would love another child but I know another pregnancy would break me as it is too much stress. DH is talking to a therapist about it among other issues as it isn't fair on me to keep discussing it or pressuring me over something so huge. If you are finding it hard to wake up in the mornings and feeling very depressed over it, and the solution isn't a 4th right now, you need to talk to a professional about your feelings on this. Your DH has told you how he feels and he has a very fair position to say no. Being so upset over this must feel terrible for you though. I can imagine you must feel loss and mourning over your 4th that you feel in your heart should be there. I don't think your feelings should be taken lightly, and considering it isn't going to be resolved quickly, I'll stress again that I think this issue needs therapy to work through it. Perhaps once you have gone a few times you could have couples therapy as well?

  4. #14
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    I'm also on the other side although we are not fighting about it. He is hugely supportive of my reasons why although of course he is deeply disappointed which makes me sad.

    In my view, if one person wants a baby and the other doesn't, the only outcome is to not have one. Sucks for the person that wants one but I don't see how it could work otherwise (especially if its the woman who doesn't want another which isn't the case for you I know).

    Hope you can work it out.

  5. #15
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    A lot of people seem to be suggesting that the partner who doesn't want to have another child should get to make the decision. I can't say I agree with this but seeing as divoice is mentioned I thought I would add this:

    My Mum's exdh never wanted kids but was reasonably happy with having one. He had 2 with Mum however and Mum was persistent with having a 3rd (motherhood has always been her life dream) which he agreed to, though my Mum ended up having two miscarriages. They never had a third though and eventually he left her (just walked out essentially). A year later she met my Dad who was happy to take on two kids who weren't biologically his and who also wanted to start a family straight away, which they did, having Mum's no. 3 then me (no. 4).

    Maybe if Mum had stopped at 1 child like her exdh wanted she would never have had her three other children and would have put up with feeling unfulfilled. She's told me recently that she should've left him (earlier).

    I'm not saying you should split up or anything, but whether you have a 4th or not needs to be resolved - resentment can destroy a relationship. You each should have equal imput into the decision, though obviously one will end up needing to compromise.

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    I have nothing substantial to add really, except that I hope your hubby will come to understand. I think that divorce over just this issue is a little extreme, but I'm not in the situation so I'm in no place to judge that! I think it is much more likely that you will always resent not having a baby and less likely that he would resent having another once it actually happened. Good luck op.

  8. #17
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    Did you and DH have some sort of 'agreement' about how many children you both wanted to have? Is one of you reneging on that agreement? If not, is this something brand new where DH would benefit from some time to get used to the idea? I would say that silence is going to get you both nowhere. I suggest scheduling a time when you can listen to all of his concerns (I am sure they wouldn't only be financial) without responding/rebutting. Make a list together if you need. Go away and think about what he has said, then at another time he needs to listen to your responses to his concerns. It seems that he needs to feel heard and his opinions valued, and this would be a good way to do that. You can make suggestions about how his concerns could be addressed, and similarly he isn't to respond/rebut your suggestions. Then both take some time away to think about it.

    Unfortunately I know from painful personal experience that having/not having children, or the number of children isn't exactly something that can be compromised on. I don't believe you are being dramatic by feeling that this may end your marriage. So perhaps you could ask yourself: is your desire for another child more important to you than your relationship with your husband? is this a desire that could pass? how much time will you allow yourself before you make this decision?

    Good luck, and I hope all works out for you.

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    I have technically "reneged" as we always planned on having two. But I don't really see how that's a factor as before we had kids we had no idea how it would go and how we would feel about it. How could you?

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    You are considering divorcing your DH because he doesn't (for valid reasons) want a fourth child? You've mentioned that you are crying yourself to sleep over this, but what about your 3 other children? Have you considered their feelings? How are they going to feel if you divorce? You're essentially blackmailing your husband into having a 4th child. This is not the way a marriage works. It's sad and perhaps unfair, but if he insists he does not want a 4th child and has given you a valid reason, then you need to accept it. Your husband has done nothing wrong and he should not be threatened with divorce.

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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    You are considering divorcing your DH because he doesn't (for valid reasons) want a fourth child? You've mentioned that you are crying yourself to sleep over this, but what about your 3 other children? Have you considered their feelings? How are they going to feel if you divorce? You're essentially blackmailing your husband into having a 4th child. This is not the way a marriage works. It's sad and perhaps unfair, but if he insists he does not want a 4th child and has given you a valid reason, then you need to accept it. Your husband has done nothing wrong and he should not be threatened with divorce.
    That's unfair I think. For starters, she didn't blackmail or 'threaten her husband with divorce' - He was the one to say a fourth child would amount to divorce (?)


 

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