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  1. #1
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    Default Fighting with dh over more children

    Hi I am needing some advice. I desperately want a 4th child and my husband doesn't. I am over 30 and have previously need ivf/fertility treatments to fall pregnant. We had a "chat" about it the other night which turned into an argument and we are now not speaking, and he was adamant that he didn't want anymore and said that he understands that I do and how it's really important for me. He then said that because he knows it's a big thing for that if I want a 4th it would mean divorce and finding a new partner to have a 4th with. He says his main concern is financial. Which I do understand, but he earns over 150k a yr and we are pretty financially stable, however we don't own our own home (renting) which I know is a massive concern for him. I feel like this is an impossible situation as no matter which way it turns out we will both end up unhappy, resentful of the other and probably divorced anyway. What do I do?

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    What do you do? Find a solution knowing that at the end of the day one of you is going to be settling for something you didnt want. I dont say this lightly, because I have been in your position.

    Hubby and I have 2 children conceived through IVF. I knew from the time our second child was 6 weeks old that I wanted another baby. I broached the subject with hubby over the next 18 months and each time he was completely adamant that he did not want another child. He was content with the 2 we had. His issues were somewhat related to financial reasons (and like you, we earn more than enough to afford another child). I actually fell pregnant naturally (completely unplanned with about a 1% chance of it ever happening, hence the IVF) with a third child and hubby got his head around the idea and then I sadly miscarried. Even after that, my DH was still against trying for another child. In the end I have had to learn to become satisfied with 2 kids but I will be honest when I say that seeing a family of 3 makes me ache inside, hearing of a pregnancy where its a 3rd child makes me insanely jealous. There is not a day that goes by where I dont think about what my life would be like with another child. But each day I remind myself of how blessed I am to have the 2 beautiful children I have.

    Somehow you have to find a way forward and that means one of you will have to "give". In your position where divorce is being mentioned, I would think about what is in the best interests for the children I already have and that would not be for DH and I to end up divorced.

    Best of luck, it really is heartbreaking being in your situation. No-one could ever have prepared me for the emotional impact wanting ANOTHER child could have on me. I honestly thought that after having my first that any other child would be a bonus. I didnt count on the desire for subsequent children to be as big as the desire for my first child.
    Last edited by GirlsRock; 15-08-2013 at 15:27.

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    Your husband earns $150k, which is a decent salary, but you are yet to get on the property ladder. So really his concerns about the financial situation are very valid and I agree with him. I do feel for you, but the stress caused from financial pressure is huge and cannot be ignored, you also have to consider scenarios such as redundancy or your DH suffering from ill health and being unable to work.

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    I might add that we sold our house last year to save money to build a new one, and his base is 150k he is in sales and most years earns more than that. I have considered things like what if he gets made redundant or has an accident etc, in which case I would go back to work. But my view is all those things could happen now with 3 children and be just as stressful. But I'm seriously starting to consider if divorce is the better option. It's also starting to make me resent him, I cry myself to sleep most nights over it and don't want to get out of bed in mornings. I don't see a way through this mess. I hear what you are saying girlsrock about what is best for my other children, but my fear is that sooner or later this situation is going to get very ugly and that is not good for the children... having 2 parents that resent each other and constantly fight.

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    A tricky situation OP...especially given that no-one in this situation could be considered to be the person who is in tbe wrong...you both have equally valid thoughts/goals/needs etc.

    I'm wondering, what do reckon having a 4th child will add to your life? (that's not intended to be a loaded question)

    Sent from my GT-I9100 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    FallenAngel I completely understand where you are coming from. DF and I are currently at a standstill with the same argument (minus the divorce bit, but he has mentioned that I would have to find someone else if I insisted on another). I have no advice for you, but want you to know you aren't alone. I look at my beautiful family, and still feel like someone is missing. It feels incomplete, and he just doesn't understand.

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    I havn't really thought about what another child would bring exactly, all i know is I don't feel like i'm done having children, that my family isn't complete like something is missing. I look at our youngest and constantly think to myself surely this can't be the last time i will experience xyz...

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    I totally understand your feelings - but you also need to consider whether your family would be complete with a 4th child, but with no DH??

  9. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Mia78 For This Useful Post:

    LifeInShadesOfGrey  (16-08-2013),Maximum22  (20-08-2013),Pesca77  (20-08-2013),VicPark  (15-08-2013)

  10. #9
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    I understand you must be upset but what it comes down to...I think you need to respect your husbands decision.

    If you are considering divorcing your hubby over this then I don't mean to be rude but perhaps you aren't in a position to be having another kid with him in the first place.

    Could it be possible that your life is empty (you are unfulfilled) due to other reasons and you have become obsessed about having a 4th kid to fill the gap? Have you lost objectivity?Perhaps finding something else to be interested in (work, a craft, a hobby, volunteering etc) will help.

    Please focus on the love you have for your kids and hubby (if you do love your hubby) before making any rash decisions.


    Good luck.
    Last edited by VicPark; 15-08-2013 at 17:15.

  11. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    ARCTICJULZ  (20-08-2013),gizmoduckus  (15-08-2013),MsViking  (15-08-2013),Pesca77  (20-08-2013),SAgirl  (15-08-2013)

  12. #10
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    I don't have much advice except why don't you both focus on gettin your own home and then re-asses? Maybe once you have a house your hubby may come round to the idea?


 

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