+ Reply to Thread
Page 4 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345 LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 46
  1. #31
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    512
    Thanks
    163
    Thanked
    67
    Reviews
    6
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Could you maybe just set up from DP's account a direct debit the day of/day after his pay day that transfers a set amount to your account for bills/rent etc. and that leaves him with ONLY a pre-set amount for all his 'extras' and then if he needs/wants more he has to ask you and you agree.
    You could maybe even set up a joint account like that - i.e you have one main joint account for all bills and then you both keep your own accounts for your personal spending?

    I still think first you have to sit him down and physically show him with old bills/statements just how much (or how little) money you have to play with so that when you set a limit for his and YOUR personal spending he can see what amount its coming from to help him appreciate it.
    Also if you go the route of a 'set' amount for the personal spending set rules/limits as to what it covers so he cant later claim smokes or takeaway out of the grocery/food budget

    My DH and I just have a set amount per payday that is our 100% own spending money - we can do with it what we like. So if I want something big I just save it for a few weeks or else I can blow it on clothes, food out etc. with no guilt. DH withdraws his $ on payday and that is that for the fortnight whereas I just tend to spend a bit here and there so some fortnights go over and others under so it evens out however neither of us have 'spending' issues so its all working fine.

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to Isabellabean For This Useful Post:

    jagamoe  (15-08-2013)

  3. #32
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    1,106
    Thanks
    128
    Thanked
    949
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Isabellabean View Post
    Could you maybe just set up from DP's account a direct debit the day of/day after his pay day that transfers a set amount to your account for bills/rent etc. and that leaves him with ONLY a pre-set amount for all his 'extras' and then if he needs/wants more he has to ask you and you agree.
    You could maybe even set up a joint account like that - i.e you have one main joint account for all bills and then you both keep your own accounts for your personal spending?

    I still think first you have to sit him down and physically show him with old bills/statements just how much (or how little) money you have to play with so that when you set a limit for his and YOUR personal spending he can see what amount its coming from to help him appreciate it.
    Also if you go the route of a 'set' amount for the personal spending set rules/limits as to what it covers so he cant later claim smokes or takeaway out of the grocery/food budget
    This is a great idea that sounds suitable for your situation - with the caveat that he's not allowed to help himself to your money.

    If he doesn't go for it I'd be hearing alarm bells.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to grumpybump For This Useful Post:

    jagamoe  (15-08-2013)

  5. #33
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,557
    Thanked
    12,689
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    I would stop ttc immediately until you and your DP are able to offer a new baby a more robust home. When your DP's mental issues are better and you (as a family) can budget, that would be a good time to start ttc. It might give you both time to try and give up smoking.

    Good luck xxx

  6. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    Lennie  (15-08-2013),SuperGranny  (16-08-2013)

  7. #34
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    274
    Thanks
    9
    Thanked
    113
    Reviews
    0
    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through Jagamoe

    I grew up in a family where my father gambled recklessly. My poor mother had to look after the whole family emotionally and financially. She never had the relationship she dreamed of with him. But she kept bailing him out for the good of the family.

    25 years later she finally had the strength to let him go. A big part of her hesitation was that if she let him go he wouldn't be able to take care of himself. And the other part was she didn't want us kids to suffer.

    The best thing she ever did was let him go.

    Growing up in a household with excessive fighting was never fun. My mother never experienced that wonderful romance and happiness that comes from a partner who really does care for you. She thought he cared but then he'd make selfish choices that hurt the whole family. That's not how a husband or father should be.

    Speaking from the child's perspective you need to really think long and hard about what's best for you and your kids.

    I'm really happy to say my mother has now been with her boyfriend for over a year now. He treats her like a princess. She said to me that when she was with my father she never felt like she was a woman or worthwhile. But now she does. She is blossoming and so happy. I love it When I visit her the house is happy also. No more tension no more stress.

    I wish you the same happiness. I know the first choice shouldn't be leaving him. But you need to do what's best for you so that you can let yourself be happy.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to Cocoblue For This Useful Post:

    VicPark  (15-08-2013)

  9. #35
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    3,525
    Thanks
    1,890
    Thanked
    2,539
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by jagamoe View Post
    Thanks. I know my DP needs help & as such I went to his psychiatrist appointment with him last week I could have nearly strangled the psychiatrist. He dismissed all of my concerns spoke to me like I was stupid & about me like I was invisible said it was all because of the ADHD & In front if me said to my partner "well you're trying so now you just have to try keep your other half happy just do what she wants n you won't get in trouble" and also dismissed my concerns over dp temper & depressive moods saying to me " what more do u want from the bloke" whilst I was trying to explain how impulsive he can be & how his moods are erratic. & how he's not very good with $ etc. gave him his script & said "heres your script & just try to keep her happy & you won't have a problem ". I'm thinking maybe a different psychiatrist & looking on google now for budgeting courses or something similar I could ask DP to go to with me. To try get him to own some of the financial responsibility. & grow up a bit &be less selfish.
    Also looking into joint account with only 1 card & I have the card & see if he will agree to that ??? I dunno what else to try.
    i would actually report that psychiatrist - if that's what he said then that's disgraceful! I would document 1. What he said and 2. His attitude (basically putting it all down to you being a neurotic female). I can't believe a psychiatrist could be so unprofessional and mysoginistic.

  10. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Ellewood For This Useful Post:

    BornToBe  (15-08-2013),dancingchipmunk  (15-08-2013),jagamoe  (15-08-2013)

  11. #36
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    casino
    Posts
    1,958
    Thanks
    2,916
    Thanked
    333
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by MeetTheBluths View Post
    i would actually report that psychiatrist - if that's what he said then that's disgraceful! I would document 1. What he said and 2. His attitude (basically putting it all down to you being a neurotic female). I can't believe a psychiatrist could be so unprofessional and mysoginistic.
    I've written it down in notes on my phone when I was at the appointment & ill be making a complaint to the hospital . He's known for not particularly giving a crap& just handing out scripts. He's rather older 70s at a guess n just plain rude I have my sons pead appointment on 29th & will be asking him who in his opinion would be a better psychiatrist for DP as he looked after DP as a child.

  12. #37
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    casino
    Posts
    1,958
    Thanks
    2,916
    Thanked
    333
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Cocoblue View Post
    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through Jagamoe

    I grew up in a family where my father gambled recklessly. My poor mother had to look after the whole family emotionally and financially. She never had the relationship she dreamed of with him. But she kept bailing him out for the good of the family.

    25 years later she finally had the strength to let him go. A big part of her hesitation was that if she let him go he wouldn't be able to take care of himself. And the other part was she didn't want us kids to suffer.

    The best thing she ever did was let him go.

    Growing up in a household with excessive fighting was never fun. My mother never experienced that wonderful romance and happiness that comes from a partner who really does care for you. She thought he cared but then he'd make selfish choices that hurt the whole family. That's not how a husband or father should be.

    Speaking from the child's perspective you need to really think long and hard about what's best for you and your kids.

    I'm really happy to say my mother has now been with her boyfriend for over a year now. He treats her like a princess. She said to me that when she was with my father she never felt like she was a woman or worthwhile. But now she does. She is blossoming and so happy. I love it When I visit her the house is happy also. No more tension no more stress.

    I wish you the same happiness. I know the first choice shouldn't be leaving him. But you need to do what's best for you so that you can let yourself be happy.

    Just to clarify I grew up in a horrid home my mother shouldn't ever of had children & my step father was a c&nt. My childhood was abusive & there was always fighting etc

    My house is not like that. I'm not always making excuses for DP I know he has faults we had split last yr & decided to try again. We don't fight constantly or in front of the kids but its little issues that snowball & make us both frustrated
    Long term what's best for my kids is to see that yes mum n dad had some issues but they loved each other n always tried to work them out rather than giving up every time
    I refuse to be like my mother & split with DP & have bf in n out of my kids lives n unstable home. They know they have both mum n dad & a safe home it might not always be happy but that's life

  13. #38
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    casino
    Posts
    1,958
    Thanks
    2,916
    Thanked
    333
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Isabellabean View Post
    Could you maybe just set up from DP's account a direct debit the day of/day after his pay day that transfers a set amount to your account for bills/rent etc. and that leaves him with ONLY a pre-set amount for all his 'extras' and then if he needs/wants more he has to ask you and you agree.
    You could maybe even set up a joint account like that - i.e you have one main joint account for all bills and then you both keep your own accounts for your personal spending?

    I still think first you have to sit him down and physically show him with old bills/statements just how much (or how little) money you have to play with so that when you set a limit for his and YOUR personal spending he can see what amount its coming from to help him appreciate it.
    Also if you go the route of a 'set' amount for the personal spending set rules/limits as to what it covers so he cant later claim smokes or takeaway out of the grocery/food budget

    My DH and I just have a set amount per payday that is our 100% own spending money - we can do with it what we like. So if I want something big I just save it for a few weeks or else I can blow it on clothes, food out etc. with no guilt. DH withdraws his $ on payday and that is that for the fortnight whereas I just tend to spend a bit here and there so some fortnights go over and others under so it evens out however neither of us have 'spending' issues so its all working fine.
    Thanks ill suggest this sounds really good . I wrote down a draft budget & left it on bench he wrote a little note back saying sounds good but increase the amount of savings from his pay so he is showing interest in it n I think our main prob is communication I never had a role model show me how to communicate properly in relationship so I'm learning by trial & error

  14. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to jagamoe For This Useful Post:

    dancingchipmunk  (15-08-2013),VicPark  (15-08-2013)

  15. #39
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    casino
    Posts
    1,958
    Thanks
    2,916
    Thanked
    333
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I would stop ttc immediately until you and your DP are able to offer a new baby a more robust home. When your DP's mental issues are better and you (as a family) can budget, that would be a good time to start ttc. It might give you both time to try and give up smoking.

    Good luck xxx
    Thanks for your input DP & I both have mental health issues so its always going to be an ongoing thing. In regards to smoking it has helped his temper immensely so I'd rather see him smoke ( he's agreed to rollies being the cheaper option) than flying off his handle at every little thing. I'm looking at trying champix but unsure as I know it can worsen depression & that's the last thing I need right now.
    To add I've had to budget n be good with $ n spending since I was kicked out of home at 14 where as DP was moly coddled by his mother & lived at home until 25 & then again for 6 or so months when we split so he's never had to budget as I've always done it it his mums done it for him. I think mostly he needs to learn financial responsibility & to be less selfish
    To say we should stop ttc immediately until we have these things sorted & that baby wouldn't have a robust home is a bit unfair if u ask me.
    Children IMO don't need heaps of money or materialistic things they need love & basics . My children are provided for always I always put them first the problem I'm having is that DP is spending what could go on bills on smokes & I'm left having to ensure bills are paid.
    What I'm asking for isn't for for others to suggest we don't try for another baby (after our miscarriage it's kinda hurtful ) or to leave him cause he can be a selfish asshat (cause thats all men at some point) I'm looking for practical useful ways to approach the situation & hopefully resolve it & try to get DP to learn financial responsibility & be less selfish. Ways to approach so he doesn't get on the offensive or feel like he's being attacked and or practical ideas /solutions to try fix this issue.

  16. #40
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    casino
    Posts
    1,958
    Thanks
    2,916
    Thanked
    333
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    Could try going to see a financial counsellor to help you do up a budget? That way he may be more ameniable to the process (and not feel like you are attacking him / forcing him to do without).

    I would suggest going to a free place along the lines of lifeline/unitingcare. I'm pretty sure they offer a free financial counselling. Steer clear of places like Mybudget - they charge big $$ which it sounds like you cannot afford.
    Thanks that's a good idea I'm not sure if there is anything like that here but ill look into it.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Am I being unfair?
    By Waggers70 in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 40
    Last Post: 13-06-2013, 15:51
  2. Replies: 34
    Last Post: 29-12-2012, 20:16
  3. Am I being unfair?
    By babyla in forum Issues with Family Members
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 08-11-2012, 11:59

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Riverton Leisureplex
An Extreme Family Pass at Riverton Leisureplex is the ultimate way to cool off during the summer school holidays. The $30 Pass allows pool and waterslide access for 2 adults and 2 children, as well as a drink, popcorn and an icy pole for each person.
sales & new stuffsee all
The Health Hub
Give a new mum a fitness boost for Christmas & New Year. Studio-based, small group training sessions - cardio, strength, core, Pilates & boxing. Choice of 16 hrs per week, flexible-arrival feature - bubs & kids welcome! Gift vouchers available.
featured supporter
Shapland Swim Schools
Semi private learn to swim classes for a maximum of 3 children in specialized heated teaching pools. Our swim schools are located across Brisbane, Ipswich and the Sunshine Coast, ensuring there's a school near you.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!