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  1. #1
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    Default Unfair expectations in relationships

    Bit of a rant but I'm at my wits end & dunno how to get through to my partner
    This mornings example he took my last $20 out of my wallet whilst I was half asleep for smokes (tailors) and now I'm left with $20 for myself until next fortnight. I've asked him to smoke rollies & he's avoiding it n refusing to dating he likes tailors better ,yet I'm expected to smoke rollies & go without the luxury of tailors yet he's entitled to it ? I feel there is a huge unfair expectation that I'm supposed to sacrifice & go without things luxuries because we can't afford it but he's entitled to them eg smokes ,brought lunches & take away ,things for his car etc. I'm also only getting FTB & put of that I pay for all the bills& groceries except rent & his credit card & car insurance Leaving me flat broke $40 to myself a fortnight if I'm lucky which mostly gets spent on things as need like milk bread nappies etc. yet he can just spend $ on whatever he wants & impulse buys ? Yet I have to budget every cent & make sure all the bills are paid food in the house etc I feel this is really unfair & no matter how I put it he isn't getting it or just doesn't care. Why should I have to carry all the responsibility & make sacrifices but he doesn't ?? So frustrating.
    Any advice how to deal with this ???
    TIA

  2. #2
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    Sounds SO much like my ex. I'm really sorry he is treating you like this. Have you read "Why does he do that?"

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    Sounds kind of like my ex.

    Neither of us smoked, but I was wearing underwear full of holes, while he would go buy new playstations and whatever whenever he wanted.

    The only money I got was FTB at that point, which was about $300 a fortnight. From this money, I had to buy all of our groceries and use it for anything DD or myself might need, including transport (I didn't have a car). We lived in the city, and $150 a week didn't cover much.

    Very glad to be out of that relationship. My partner now will let me know when he's unimpressed with my spending (I kind of like having money, so buy stuff all the time), but it's never a matter of him living it up and me scraping the bottom of the barrel.

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    AM haven't read that book ill see if I can find it as e book might help me understand what is going through his head. DP does have ADHD so impulse control is a big thing but its the money situation n me feeling like I'm going without so he can live the high life $hitting me to tears.
    Sassy mummy you get exactly what I'm saying! Thankfully someone does. I only have one bra that fits & in his words "i don't feel like taking you over there today n they cost too much " but he can buy smokes & spend up to $100 week on them but I can't even buy new bras n underwear. I've fallen into the rut of putting myself last. Kids first then him then myself. N for him it's like he's putting himself first all the time my MIL told me FIL is exactly the same & it's habits learnt from watching his father but surely there has gotta be a way to make him see he's being selfish @ re assess his priorities. If there's no hope I might just lose the plot. He's a good dad & partner (most of the time) just his me me me mentality is driving me insane.

    The only $ I get is FTB n that's $400 n I'm expected to make sure everything's paid etc. why do I have to be the grown up all the time & have all the responsibility

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    Maybe try sitting down and writing a budget with him so he can see where money is going and how he cant go on spending money on crap.

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    I am sorry you are feeling like this. I experienced this very early on in my relationship and basically we had a rip roaring argument, followed by days of silent treatment followed by a massive deep and meaningful followed but setting guidelines that we both had to follow and were both happy with.

    What does he say when you try to talk to him about it?

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    I can totally understand why you'd be upset. In my view, he's stolen from you.

    I know from experience how fraught any conversations about cigarettes can get. Perhaps you could avoid that part of it and just express that you're worried about money. In the spirit of 'being a team' you could each suggest ways you could cut personal spending (I know how unfair that sounds as you barely spend, but it may make him less defensive). Hopefully then he might suggest not buying his lunch, and you can leap on that idea?

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    I think you need to put your foot down. It's not sustainable to live that way. You both need to work together to ensure everything is fair for everyone in the family.

    I *think* you are TTCing at the moment so you really need to pull him into line before you have another baby to buy nappies for.

    This kind of unevenness in a relationship will only cause resentment and make it harder and harder to resolve down the track.

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    Very unfair.. (for the record I actually prefer rollies and will smoke them over tailors! lol) I feel very lucky when I hear bad stories like this, my ex used to be like this but I never realised how bad it was and selfish till I met my current dp. He won't even go into my bag with my permission, flat out refuses. And while I take care of everything essential of my own because we aren't living together full time (yet) he always says he likes to get me the little luxuries (and does) the stuff I normally wouldn't be able to get myself. He will also offer to help me with the bigger stuff especially when he is staying with me (which I refuse cause I'm stubborn and used to being independent)
    Probably not helpful but maybe you should start taking money from his wallet see how he likes it! And squirrel some away for yourself to build a little rainy day nest, then go spoil yourself

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    hi jagamoe, there has to be a partnership, two people working together to live a happy and peaceful life. Shareing expenses, and income as each other needs, not as each other wants. If this is a constant fight/arguement in your place, there needs to be some changes. Talking about it without reaching a solution is not going to help. I would make a time for a family meeting, show him what your budget is, and ask him to set himself a budget too. If he doesnt see this as important then you need to really consider where you want to be in your future. Marie.

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