Wow... This is really hard for me to read again. Revisiting such a low and desperate time in my life.
Life has really turned around for me. My children are almost 4 and 5 now, bright as buttons, confident, smart and resilient. I'm back at Uni studying nursing and re-inventing myself with a second career. I have made a bunch of nice friends at Uni and through my children's kindy and feel confident and socially at ease again. It's difficult for me to understand now how I could possibly panic so much in public or be so anxiety ridden and severely depressed. I feel highly uncomfortable reading and remembering some of the things I used to think. It disturbs me greatly that I could ever contemplate hurting myself or think my children would be better off not being here or without me. Unfortunately that's the nature of the illness.... It is what it is. And why it's so hard to talk about openly because there is such deep shame attached to it.
I haven't taken medication for close to 2 years now and it's been almost a year since I saw a psychiatrist or counsellor . mostly the anxiety and depression has gone (although I do still have low days but nothing overwhelming that I can't bounce back from).
I am thankful that I now have a greater understanding of Mental Illness and a deeper sense of empathy than before. I think in the long run, it will make me a better mother, friend and partner.
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