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  1. #1
    harvs's Avatar
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    Default Am I overreacting?

    As the topic says. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible...

    I've just joined a choir again which means rehearsals on Thursday evenings. I'm out from 7.30 for about three hours, and DH stays home. DS is going through a wonder week/fussy stage at the moment, so I've had to feed to sleep/cosleep for the first time in months. I really don't mind because I understand it's just a stage. I specifically said to my husband that it's likely the baby would wake up and that I've just been throwing our sleep routine out the window at the moment because it's not working.

    Anyway, I got home at 10.30 to hear DS screaming inconsolably. It wasn't a protest cry. It was a distressed cry. I walked into the nursery and my husband was just sitting there looking at our son. I asked how long he'd been crying, and he said 30 mins. I asked what he'd done to try and settle him. He said he tried shush pat but that wasn't working and he wouldn't take a dummy so he just left him there. I asked if he'd fed him. He said that he 'didn't bother' because he knew I'd be home soon.

    He gets very, very flustered when the baby cries, so I picked him DS up and gave him a big feed, and DH took off to bed. After I'd settled the baby, which was easy, he just needed a feed and a cuddle, I went in and said that he would have stopped crying if he'd had a cuddle, which would have lowered DH's stress levels. His response was that if you pick him up, it just takes longer to settle him anyway. I think when a baby is that distressed you have no chance of settling them in the first place!

    So. For some reason this has all really distressed me. I feel like I let my son down by going out, and it was horrible to come home and see him like that. I feel so disappointed that my husband behaved this way. Any 'normal' night, his reaction (shush pat and dummy) would have worked fine, if DS had even woken up at all, but last night wasn't normal and I feel like I warned DH about that. I don't understand how you could ignore the instinct to pick up a distressed baby. Now I feel like I can't even go out. I'm also wondering if that is the intended outcome on DH's behalf.

    I'm wondering if I am overreacting? Is there something I could do differently/better next time?

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    I think that because often our husbands/partners don't spend as much time with our kids as we do just doing the day to day stuff anyway especially when they are babies, they don't always have the same level of instinct or understanding as we do. This is not to put either party down, I have just found its the way it was with us. While something might feel natural to us because we have experienced it, it might be different for our partner. I also think men sometimes feel out of their depth with babies as things seem to come naturally to the mum. What I mean by that is its probably not just him disrespecting you or deliberately not wanting you to go out, it's more likely he just has his own opinion. I parent the same way, as in co sleep if needed, cuddle to sleep etc and dh does too but there have always been things that I just take for granted that I expected dh to as well forgetting he's not inside my head.

    I think you both just need to sit down at a time when neither of you are stressed or in a hurry and talk about how you both feel about settling and explain why and how you have been doing it and listen to his opinions also

    Good luck.
    Last edited by Ffrenchknickers; 09-08-2013 at 13:41.

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    Nope, you're not over reacting. That would make me really upset too

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    no you're not over reacting. if my hubby did that I would have ripped him a new one.

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    I don't think you are overreacting. I'd have it out with DH if I were you, find out what's going on with him.
    You shouldn't feel bad about having time out, it's good for your sanity and DH needs to understand that.

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    Nope not overreacting at all, I would be really upset about the whole thing

    Please don't feel bad for how your husband managed the situation. I know we can't expect everybody to think or react the same way but as you said your bub was crying and your dh was just sitting there staring at him...he also knew that DS might be hungry and didn't bother feeding him because you would be home shortly? Seriously not on...what if you were running late?

    You have every right to be upset

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    I don't think your over reacting at all. I went through the same with my DH because I am more of a nurturer then him and he can get flustered and has less patience and often goes off into his own little world I would never want to go out because I was worried how he would be and if it would upset the kids. After a few times of me losing it and changing plans and him seeing me not being happy because I never got out things soon started changing.

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    I think he may have thought he was doing the right thing by waiting untill you got home to breastfeed him, seeing as you were not far off coming home. He may have thought he would settle alot quicker from that, rather than him trying to settle him with little success, which might possibly escalate his anxiety a bit more.
    I also think you DH may have been gettting confused as to which settling methods or routine he should be using.
    I dont know your dh, but reading this, He doesnt sound too confident being alone with you ds and i think he freaks out a bit?
    Maybe put the fact that he was of not much help to you while you went out for a few hours, behind you. Focus on whats happening with your DH confidence around DS and communicate...about everything. Be eachother's support person and work out a plan so that you can enjoy a night off. Does he need a night off too?
    As frustrating as it all sounds, i feel for your DH. Look after eachother

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    Ffrenchknickers  (09-08-2013),αληθη  (09-08-2013),RipperRita  (09-08-2013)

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    The fact he was in the room with your little one is a good sign...he didn't just leave him in there crying alone so that is a positive.

    He tried what he knew...which is also good.

    I would be working on giving them more time together where he needs to settle him.

    It is also how bubs reacts...DD is now 1 month off being 3 and i kid you not...if DH goes to her she loses the plot and won't resettle for hours...if i go...she resettles within 15 minutes with no tears. DH has always been hands on and has always regularly tried done bedtimes and settling but she is very different for him than me. Sometimes, it really is the child and it is very heartbreaking for them to be rejected.

    Encourage him to cuddle your DS even if he cries...and let him know that it is OK if DS keeps crying even if having a cuddle and that you understand that he was waiting for you but you would feel better if he was giving him a cuddle while waiting.

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    B00ts  (09-08-2013),DarcyJ  (10-08-2013),Ffrenchknickers  (09-08-2013),αληθη  (09-08-2013),Rutabaga  (09-08-2013)

  14. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    Sometimes, it really is the child and it is very heartbreaking for them to be rejected.

    .
    Yes! This is so true. It took me five kids to figure this out and cut my husband some slack!


 

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