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  1. #1
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    Default Cold feet about wedding

    My wedding is booked for early 2014. 2.5wks ago I gave birth to my fiancee's and mines first child.
    Right about now or over the next month i'm meant to pick and order my wedding dress, book band, do invites etc etc....but little things about my fiancee are playing on my mind. They are not big big things so I should just forget about it, but from day 1 they have bothered me.

    He's a tight **** - I earn a bit more than him but I also have huge student loan I'm still paying off and I pay for all our insurances. During our saving for baby I paid double into the account so with all the extras I pay we basically are left with the same disposal income. I didn't mind so much but now I have my work and soon govt paid parental leave coming in he has left me to pay for all of my expenses and babies (somewhat fair I guess?). I had to leave work due to pregnancy complications at 34wks and he never helped me out financially then either so I had been spending my savings for months.

    His car crapped out and he knew my family was coming over for the birth and were to use my car to go to the sunshine coast. He didn't wan't to pay to fix his car so has just been using mine and if i need it for baby and I - I have to get up with baby at 5am and drop/pick him off a 30min drive away. I paid for my parents rental car while they were here cause I felt so bad - mum did end up giving me some money by way of food. My rego is due and he said he mayyy help pay for some.

    When I gave birth my cousin mentioned how she got a birthing ring and showed him while we were pregnant, I never expected a ring thats too much but my labour was horrible and I went thru 2 rnds of IVF to conceive so it hasn't been easy so something like maybe flowers would have been nice. I did mention it out of frustration the other night and he said well if I gave him another child he would buy me one....he has answers like that for everything and never delivers or twists his wording to not keep his end of the bargin. Gosh typing this all down makes me realise a lot!

    My last straw has been about the wedding dress - I have saved hard for 13mths or so for baby and for this wedding...I stressfully scrapped in for getting my work maternity leave (half my annual salary) and he cracked the ****s because I looked at 2k wedding dresses and not the cheap $250 online ones.

    We have talked about saving my maternity leave as a house deposit and I go back to work when baby is 6mths old...i'm unsure of that idea of me heading back so early.

    I guess he's somewhat selfish but besides that he doesn't have any other bad qualities besides being lazy when it comes to helping with baby.

    At a crossroads of what to do really? I still think getting married is the right thing but how do I get him to share more and not expect so much from me?

  2. #2
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    You really need to discuss and resolve these issues before you get married!

    I think your fiancé is being very selfish. You are a family unit now and your money should be combined to pay for things together whether it be for food, bills, baby items, car repairs etc....I'm not saying you need to join bank accounts but I really think it the money should be seen as the 'families' not 'yours/baby's' and 'his'.

    I think your concerns are valid and I would have the same hesitations as yours at the thought of marrying this guy.

    Is he a good father? Doe he help with the baby? Does he do anything around the house?

    I think you need to talk to him, and if you don't think he'll listen to you then I'd suggest counselling. I'd insist on it before getting married. You shouldn't have money issues such as these going into a marriage.

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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    hi chances, I think I would print off your post here, and let things stay as they are for about 6 months. Dont talk about it with him, dont try to change him, but see how you are feeling a little way down the track. After you have had time to adjust to the lower income, and you have adjusted to life with your baby. If you are still feeling the same way, then you will have to face the issue and make some hard choices. You and your partner will be spending your lives together making many decisions about money along the way, if you are not on the same page there will be many disageements, and resentments. Best to sort things before you get married, in my opinion. Marie.

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    Thanks for the responses ladies! Its sorta something I can't discuss with friends/family without worrying them too much.

    Ok so is it fair to ask him to make 50% of babies payments? I'm certain he assumes my maternity leave is mean't to cover these sorts of things? I don't think he should get off not paying anything but lately somehow he has.

    We have a joint flat account and had a joint baby wedding account which hasn't been used lately and in regards to wedding he's only put in 1 bulk payment (1/3 of his agreed contribution made 5mths ago). Perhaps if the discussion goes well we can use that again....he isn't violent but he gets emotionally upset rather easy so I can see this is going to upset him if i don't word it right.

    He is a good father but he currently has time off on paid parental leave and baby has insisted on hourly feeds over night for the last 4 nights...I have been exhausted and he sleeps thru most of it and has got up once or twice to help. I really can't fault him otherwise apart from the financial contribution.

    I won't have time to print off and decide in 6mths as thats approx when the wedding is. TBH I have had these same concerns for years now. Things haven't changed and when I bring it up it always ends in a big argument with no result. Perhaps the counselling is the next option if I can't get him to come round and split costs and ease up a bit.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlyWirly View Post
    You really need to discuss and resolve these issues before you get married!

    I think your fiancé is being very selfish. You are a family unit now and your money should be combined to pay for things together whether it be for food, bills, baby items, car repairs etc....I'm not saying you need to join bank accounts but I really think it the money should be seen as the 'families' not 'yours/baby's' and 'his'.

    I think your concerns are valid and I would have the same hesitations as yours at the thought of marrying this guy.

    Is he a good father? Doe he help with the baby? Does he do anything around the house?

    I think you need to talk to him, and if you don't think he'll listen to you then I'd suggest counselling. I'd insist on it before getting married. You shouldn't have money issues such as these going into a marriage.
    Exactly this! It doesn't sound right!

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    Quote Originally Posted by chances View Post
    Thanks for the responses ladies! Its sorta something I can't discuss with friends/family without worrying them too much.

    Ok so is it fair to ask him to make 50% of babies payments? I'm certain he assumes my maternity leave is mean't to cover these sorts of things? I don't think he should get off not paying anything but lately somehow he has.

    We have a joint flat account and had a joint baby wedding account which hasn't been used lately and in regards to wedding he's only put in 1 bulk payment (1/3 of his agreed contribution made 5mths ago). Perhaps if the discussion goes well we can use that again....he isn't violent but he gets emotionally upset rather easy so I can see this is going to upset him if i don't word it right.

    He is a good father but he currently has time off on paid parental leave and baby has insisted on hourly feeds over night for the last 4 nights...I have been exhausted and he sleeps thru most of it and has got up once or twice to help. I really can't fault him otherwise apart from the financial contribution.

    I won't have time to print off and decide in 6mths as thats approx when the wedding is. TBH I have had these same concerns for years now. Things haven't changed and when I bring it up it always ends in a big argument with no result. Perhaps the counselling is the next option if I can't get him to come round and split costs and ease up a bit.
    It's definitely fair for him to pay for 50%!!

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    Just going off what you wrote, I would not be getting married to him. As you know already, bringing up a family is tough! Getting married isn't going to change him - I would look into pre-marriage counselling and be putting the wedding on hold. This is meant to be a commitment for life, he doesn't even sound committed to today!

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  10. #8
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    Witwicky is offline A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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    The issues with financial contribution are a worry, IMO, and I implore that you raise them with him. I'm not going to comment about whether you should or should not marry him - i'm in no place to offer that type of advice - but your posts raises a lot of issues that I would struggle with personally, and I don't think it's even ground.

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    I agree about the even ground comment...I don't think it's even ground either
    Argh men!!!

    His mums staying with us meeting her new grand child so I better wait till she's left but hmmm if she's here or in the next room hes less likely to get all emotional about it perhaps! If its right tonight i will mention restarting the joint account for baby.

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    Honestly if you're having second thoughts about the wedding then at least postpone it and see how you feel with him later on. He should be contributing to the household equally. I don't even get the whole separate accounts thing. My husband and I are a family unit.. we are one. He earns a lot more than I do but we discuss things we want to buy/don't want to buy and go from there. He sounds like a child that doesn't want to give up his allowance. I think you need to have a long hard think about whether this person is the right person for you. Can he/ WILL HE support you and your baby when they come along?


 

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