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  1. #1
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    Default Hurt and concerned regarding response to pregnancy announcement.

    My DP told his sister about out BFP on Wednesday.


    We decided to let her know first as we were aware (through another family member, not directly from her) that she was having fertility problems and wanted to her to know first so she had time to deal with any emotions she may have. I understand that it can be tough when people around are having success when it is breaking your heart that things are not working for you.


    She said she wasn't sure if she should congratulate us or not....DP said that we were very happy and he would hope she would congratulate us. She said, well congratulations then, burst into tears and then said, well ill let you go then and hung up on him.


    He is very hurt, upset and concerned about how she is doing. He has tried a couple of times to call her again to ask how she is but is not getting an answer. His mother has already given him grief and made the process tougher for us, so much that he doesnt even feel like telling her, and now this. While I appreciate she might be hurting, she can still surely find it in her heart to be happy for her brother and myself.


    He is so excited about this pregnancy and wanted so much to share the news with his family, but sadly it is just not happening for him........I am hurt for him and can only imagine how he is feeling.


    I sent an email to his sister asking her to call him as he is upset and we are both concerned about how she is, DP hasn't told anyone else and I feel like he is very down hearted about it all. Hoping I have done the right thing with the email, I am very concerned about how she is going. However, we are grown ups surely and can talk and deal with emotions.

  2. #2
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    Sooo.. You wanted to give her time to deal with any emotions she may have but now you aren't.

    Leave her be. The fact that she burst into tears should probably tell you how hard she took it. Its nothing against you or DP, but fertility issues are painful especially when people close to you fall pregnant.

    Give her time. I think the email was a bit much. It sounds like you're wanting to rub it in to her, though I know you arent. But if I were her thats how id feel.

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  4. #3
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    I'm really sorry this has happened. My biggest advice is to try and just let her come around on her own and really try not to take this personally. Hearing other people's great news when you're having a hard time conceiving or have suffered a loss is REALLY hard sometimes. It is nothing against the people with the news, it's just really hard to express happiness when you feel defeated, are down or are grieving, and unfortunately you do feel an extreme jealousy. I deleted friends off Facebook when we lost our daughter and haven't really spoken to them since, granted they weren't that sensitive about telling me their news (text in the middle of the night anyone? Two weeks after our lost our baby girl). But I also went ages not being able to see other people because I was scared to see their growing bellies or their new babies.

    Just try not to take it personally, she will come around and be happy for you both, just give her some time and space.

    ETA: hearing other people's news often feels like a reminder of our own insecurities of our trouble and loss. A lot of my thoughts were 'why do they get to keep their baby and not me?' 'Why is her body 'working' and mine failed?' Etc.
    Last edited by Kirst33; 26-07-2013 at 16:14.

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  6. #4
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    I agree, give her time. Perhaps the email telling her to call you DH might have been a little insensitive but I can see you were only trying your best. She will be happy for you, it's just a lot so just try to be there for her without pushing her. It will only make it harder.
    She will come around.

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    Agree with other posters. Just give her time to process your news. As hard as it may be, it's the best thing to do.

    When you are struggling to conceive a baby it is so hard to hear other people's happy news. I remember finding out my SIL was pregnant when we were struggling and just started seeing a specialist and I bawled my eyes out. I was devastated that I wasn't pregnant not that she was, but of course her news just reminded me that my body wasn't doing what it should.

    I wanted space. I didn't want to be bombarded with her pregnancy updates and constant chat about pregnancy and babies. So I avoided her.

    Please be prepared for this to happen and try not to take offence or let it make you and your partner feel unhappy about your exciting news. Take the time to celebrate with each other and eventually she will share in your joy

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  9. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by summastarlet View Post
    .I was devastated that I wasn't pregnant not that she was, but of course her news just reminded me that my body wasn't doing what it should.
    This was exactly what I was trying to say.

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    I know that when I hear of friends and family falling pregnant I took it hard. I wasn't jealous as such but more sad because it may never happen to me again (I have secondary infertility)
    I now would rather someone ring or text me the news so I don't have to see their face and hide my pain.
    Give her time and let her know you are there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on. For me personally although I was happy for that person my heart was broken and it does take time to feel the joy of some one else having a baby.

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    I didn't "tell" her to call . I asked if she could call as we were both concerned about her.

    We went through 24 months TTC and then IVF for this pregnancy so I do get the difficulty factor.

    That is it for my contact, as yes I want to give her time...it has only been two days. I really just wanted to let her know that we were worried about her.

    Thanks for the comments and perspectives.

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    I can totally relate to how she is feeling. For me I was told in a very abrupt and insensitive way by my brother about his partners pregnancy. I appreciated that it was in person but it was absolutely heart breaking, there was no acknowledgement about how I might feel at all, and I actually think I would have taken it better if his partner had of come to me by herself as woman to woman. I did not show them any emotion, I was devastated in private. If I was you I would give her time, but please acknowledge that your pregnancy must be hard on her and that you understand it will take time to adjust. Don't expect her to be all happy strait away, it will come in time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Des1102 View Post
    I didn't "tell" her to call . I asked if she could call as we were both concerned about her.

    We went through 24 months TTC and then IVF for this pregnancy so I do get the difficulty factor.

    That is it for my contact, as yes I want to give her time...it has only been two days. I really just wanted to let her know that we were worried about her.

    Thanks for the comments and perspectives.
    If you went through IVF then you should know the emotions one has. I have struggled a lot with my own feeling towards others pregnant people, people with babies, seeing baby things in shops ect. I admit it freely I do get jealous, I am angry and I also cry a lot. My main reaction has being withdrawel I try to stay clear of all of it. These are feelings that I get very angry at myself for having but one can't help the way one feels. She is probably feeling very badly at the way she reacted but like I said it is so hard to control ones emotions when your desperate to have a baby.
    I think you and DH just need to take time together to enjoy your pregnancy and fully expect her to stay withdrawn from you even after your baby is born.
    Congratulations BTW


 

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