+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    320
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked
    150
    Reviews
    0

    Default At the cross road, which way to go??

    Ok so I think I really need to vent/voice my logics and tooing and froing... And from what I've seen and read this a great place. So I'm a single mum to dd 16mo, tried to reconcile with her dad, but no, it's just not going to happen, he and I are on different pages.. Different books a lot of the time. In the mean time I've become pregnant egh. I want to distance my life from his, and this is so not the right step in that direction. I'm at a loss. I'm thinking termination, but then I'm so scared of that route, what if I don't get the chance to have another, what if it screws with my physical ability, what if I totally regret it and I emotionally can't handle it?? I've not told family nor ex, and I'd not plan on telling them either if this was the road I'd take, for my own reasons I won't get into. So that also means very little support if I do crash. But keeping it agh, I'm afraid of my families ability to cope with this too, dads high risk and I'm scared the pressure will effect him adversely, then there's the ex. I'd be more involved with him than I want to be, there's a possibility of resenting him so much more and I fear subconsciously what if I resent the baby too, I already fear the future of how we are going to work things out with dd let alone two. He's emotionally manipulative, and I have little trust. I'm afraid ill be too vulnerable and end up reeling me back (he's trying) and then ill be stuck, two kids and just sad at a life I'm not happy with. And then what if its a boy?? Agh, I'd be owned then, as very patriarch kind of man. So much going on. But then baby is a baby and I am a good mum who would do my best but I'm just so afraid of not getting out from under him, he makes me miserable. Sorry this is long winded. And then the idea of never meeting someone who does make me happy as I'm early 30's so I feel I don't have time to be deciding to wait till later?? I do want more babies, just not with him and in this situation! Feedback to help clarify my thoughts would be so very welcome xx

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    4,113
    Thanks
    2,900
    Thanked
    3,329
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Since you already have a child with him he will always be in your life. If termination meant you never had to see him again it would be one thing. But you will still have to share custody of the first, you will see him just as much as before.

    The age gap would be nice for the kids to play together.

    Choose whatever is right for you, that's just my opinion.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to Wise Enough For This Useful Post:

    KaraB  (15-02-2014)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    320
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked
    150
    Reviews
    0
    Hi thanks wise enough for your response. I'm at this stage quite sure sharing custody with him will be not wise, but I'm not sure how legally this all works. He's an addict, he'd told me he'd quit smoking pot, but I've just seen for myself otherwise. He also drinking heavily, and porn egh, he's not a safe bet. The disappointment that I got tangled up with such a half wit is hard to shake. There were good points of course, but with kids involved, the rest just doesn't cut it. Finding what's right for me is the hard part :/. But you're right, it's got to be about me. It's always been about him, and somehow he still turns things to be about him, and it's like I get Jedi mind tricked, so making decisions based solely on how I feel can be hard, because I don't even realise I'm not considering myself. Hence why I've not told anyone. Bleh. Long winded again !! Thanks again

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Dreamer1 For This Useful Post:

    KaraB  (15-02-2014)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,881
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    631
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    Since you already have a child with him he will always be in your life. If termination meant you never had to see him again it would be one thing. But you will still have to share custody of the first, you will see him just as much as before.

    The age gap would be nice for the kids to play together.

    Choose whatever is right for you, that's just my opinion.
    I agree with this, you aren't really tying yourself to him any more than you are now because you already have your DD together. You need to do what you feel is right in your heart, we all make mistakes but they don't always turn out bad. If you let it this could be a blessing, which ever way you choose to go. Huge hugs!

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    320
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked
    150
    Reviews
    0
    If I let it.. That struck me. Mindset and emotional states really are the key. How to keep hold of the positives though? Thanks summer fun for reminding me it's a choice, what if in my heart I just want to have as minimal input from him as possible? Find someone amazing and have more babies with happiness and joy, I hate that i feel half the ingredients are missing from me ATM dd is a happy little cherub though, that helps.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to Dreamer1 For This Useful Post:

    KaraB  (15-02-2014)

  9. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,881
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    631
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamer1 View Post
    If I let it.. That struck me. Mindset and emotional states really are the key. How to keep hold of the positives though? Thanks summer fun for reminding me it's a choice, what if in my heart I just want to have as minimal input from him as possible? Find someone amazing and have more babies with happiness and joy, I hate that i feel half the ingredients are missing from me ATM dd is a happy little cherub though, that helps.
    Oh I completely know what you mean. But I honestly believe if you are supposed to go through with this it'll all work out ok. Maybe he will move away at some stage or lose interest (I'm not saying that's good for the kids though!), you just never know where life will take you. And yeah I understand what you mean, you could not do this, meet someone wonderful, get married and go on to have more gorgeous children. Or you might not meet someone and wish you had another child then regret your decision. It's bloody tough! I'm a single mum and I want marriage & more babies etc in my future but I think I'm a bit cynical and don't think ill ever meet my 'one love' so maybe I should just settle for someone 'less' and have more babies that I long for?? I don't know - its bloody hard!!

  10. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,881
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    631
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Also you won't resent the baby, I'm sure! My DDs father makes my bloody boil and I actually hate him but I have never resented DD, she's just a joy!

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to SummerFun For This Useful Post:

    KaraB  (15-02-2014)

  12. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    320
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked
    150
    Reviews
    0
    Summer fun, oh you've no idea how great it is to hear you put it in this way!! Exactly!! It's the freaking hardest decision to make. You put into words my head exactly. I had to figure out exactly how to respond, so I've waited til I had enough time to I think my biggest worry is ... And this may be a big statement.... Having his child... I'm hating him so much too, so many things, the expressions on his face, his 'I'm a dirty perv' kind of laugh, he just makes me cringe, his selfish ignorant ways, manipulative, woe is me nature, he calls our dd a 'rat' as a pet name, (probably menial but it really annoys me... Not nice for a beautiful lil girl). I guess I'm afraid of seeing these traits in my kids, and it effecting how I am as a mother to them. It's hard to say this, I don't resent dd either, I worry about the future though, and what if I have a boy, like him?? It's not good for the kids, but I do kind of wish he will lose interest.... He won't though, not with another. *sigh how do you handle the thoughts of hating him? And seeing glimmers of him in your little one? (Don't get me wrong, lil ones are great because they have us too, but hope you know what I mean) please don't settle for any less than what you expect for yourself and your child, you'll find the right one, a good one if you set your mind to it (too hard settling for less!! Even when there's baby involved) x

  13. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    24
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked
    9
    Reviews
    0
    Hi there...
    I really relate to your situation cos that was e a few years back! My ex hubby and i split then i found out I was pregnant. I struggled with the decision as I already had DS1 from a previous relationship and DD with my ex hubby. 2 kids on my own was hard enough... Throw in PND and the fact DD was only 9 months old?! I was freaking out!!
    But I decided that I couldnt go through with a termination. It was bloody hard... My DS1 started primary school 5 days after DS2 was born. I was on my own with little help from family as they didnt agree with my decision. (Mind you they all adore him today!) I did, however, have awesome friends. My ex hubby has finally got his s*#t together. He sees them every fortnight now. Still drives me insane but I think if I didnt have Oakley I probably wouldve got back with him anyway. The fact he was so awful while I was pregnant and looking after two kids just sealed the "Im never going back there EVER" deal. Positives all round. Your decision entirely though and each to their own <3 Hugs

  14. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to candyapple82 For This Useful Post:

    Dreamer1  (09-08-2013),KaraB  (15-02-2014)

  15. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    3,666
    Thanks
    1,426
    Thanked
    1,431
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    OP it's a really tough decision and I have full empathy for you. Give yourself time to consider all options thoroughly, so that you hopefully don't regret whichever way you choose.

    My now exDH left suddenly while I was pregnant with DS2. Also DS1 was only 13mths old, so it was tough. I've since found out he had an affair and got his gf pregnant too, so had 2 women pregnant at same time. A real prince.

    I was very worried that I would have some resentment towards DS2, as originally exDH had suggested termination (I came to this site for help too). I'm so so glad I followed my heart and kept my precious boy, even knowing it was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. I can't imagine my life without him now and there's never been a day I've felt anything but love.

    I despise my exDH with a passion and wish he wasn't their father, or that I had to deal with him for the rest of my life. So I feel your concern. But your own babies makes it all worthwhile.

    PM me if you'd like to chat more privately

  16. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Pesca77 For This Useful Post:

    KaraB  (15-02-2014),Mokeybear  (09-08-2013)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Cross your Fingers Please!
    By kjp84 in forum First Trimester Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 09-12-2012, 22:05
  2. Please all cross your fingers for me!
    By jellybeanicecream in forum First Trimester Chat
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 27-11-2012, 11:59

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Nice Pak Products
Australian Made and Owned. The Baby U Goat Milk Skincare range is enriched with soothing goats milk sourced from country, Victoria. Goat's milk has a pH level close to that of our own skin and contains natural sources of amino acids and vitamins.
sales & new stuffsee all
True Fairies
True Fairies is the first interactive website where children can engage and speak with a real fairy through the unique webcam fairy portal. Each session is tailored to the child, and is filled with enchantment and magic.
Visit website to find out more!
featured supporter
Vibe Natural Health
Your natural health care team for fertility, pregnancy, post natal and family health care. Our Naturopaths, Doctors, Osteopaths, Acupuncturists, Psychologists,Nutritionists, Pilates, & Massage specialise in women & children's health and wellbeing.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!