Hi I'm new here and this is my first real post.
For the last 3 years (since the conception of DD) I've been battling with major depression, and everything seems to be going from bad to worse.
My little girl is suffering emotionally, and I'm almost positive she is acting out with antisocial behaviour because of it. I feel like I've failed her as a mother. I'm emotionally distant from her, I lose my temper at the drop of a hat, and because I find it difficult to function most days we rarely leave the house to give her a chance to socialise - When we do go out, it seems like she is terrified of people. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not completely useless. I manage the basics of day to day life, and even accomplish the daunting task of getting her to swimming classes once a week, but the rest of the time I'm either a ticking time bomb, or a lump on the couch. It's almost as if I do things for her because I have to, not because I want to. I'm on autopilot.
I've been on and off meds in those 3 years until recently when I had a severe reaction to a new one I was prescribed and have been terrified to take any pill (including aspirin - how bizarre is that!!??) because of it. I've been through dozens of psychologists/GPs/psychiatrists/holistic healers (hey, it was worth a shot!), but nothing seems to be making a scrap of difference. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD (about 3 months ago). People keep telling me that "time heals all wounds", but after 3 years, SURELY things would be looking up, right??
I feel like the worst mother in the world, which doesn't help the situation because of course I want what's best for her. The last thing in the world I want is for her to end up like I am now (I was bright, bubbly and happy-go-lucky before I fell pregnant). I'm at my wits end, but I don't know what to do to make things better for her. It's like a vicious cycle: her behaviour causes me stress and anxiety, and I'm pretty sure my stress and anxiety is causing her to act out.
Of course it doesn't help that I see a lot of her father in her (he is an abusive alcoholic). Makes her hard to love sometimes.
All I wanted was to be the best mum ever. Failing miserably at that.