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  1. #1
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    Default Being judged for deciding to stop at one child

    I was hoping to hear from other mums who have decided to stop at only one child for whatever reason and have felt endlessly judged by others and pressured to change their mind and how they've dealt with it.

    I am constantly being told it's the wrong thing to do for my child since all kids need siblings and that she'll grow up lonely or spoilt, but the truth is I believe one child is really all I can handle. I've found the adjustment to parenthood really hard and unfortunately am surrounded by people who are 'blissed out' on motherhood and like to put me in the category of being 'non maternal' which feels like the worst kind of insult, it implies a coldness don't you think? I even had one person say they judge how people are coping with motherhood based on how many children they have, clearly implying I wasn't cutting it!

    The 'mothers judging mothers' part of joining the ranks of parenthood bothers me endlessly and I would like to know how you shake it off.

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    I always wanted two kids, but after everything that I have been through to just try to get one I don't plan on going back for a second. People shouldn't try to judge how maternal someone is based on the number of kids you have as they do not know the circumstances as to why you only have one (or in same cases don't have any, yet). Honestly the way I feel about it is that if someone is going to judge me on it that is their issue not mine, and if they are going to say anything to me they will get told how it is (and I wouldn't consider them much of a friend as they should already know why).

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    I only have one and as I'm 43 (and it took a lot of ivf to have the one) it's highly unlikely that I'll have a second. As an older child myself, I always wanted to be an only child I love my brother but we were never close and still aren't as adults.

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  4. #4
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    There is one person in this situation who is going to be most affected by this decision. You.

    If your gut instinct is telling you that one child is all you can cope with, listen to it! This feeling may persist, and you may end up being a parent to an only, or as time goes by, that feeling may diminish to a point that you decide to have another.

    The point is, caving to outside forces is not going to be a good thing, I reluctantly agreed to ttc no2 before I was ready, and ended up in a huge mess, had 2 children under 2, PND, suicidal thoughts the works. I SO MUCH regret not sticking to my guns, deciding what was best for my mental health as a Mum, and just doing it.

    As far as only children being lonely or spoiled, well I'm sure there are cases, (in any family, not just single child ones!) my sister has an only child, and she was quite proactive in making sure he had a lot of people around him, friends, extended family etc, and he is now a lovely well adjusted 20yr old young man

    Do what the heck you want to, and enjoy yourself, you only have one life, and it is YOURS, no-one elses.
    Last edited by MilkingMaid; 11-07-2013 at 11:07.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to MilkingMaid For This Useful Post:

    bitterpure  (11-07-2013)

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    We don't want anymore but we constantly get told we should. Apparently it's not fair to DD! We look at it as though we are happy with one and we're financially comfortable with one.



    Me 29 + DH 33 = DD 7 months

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    I just tell myself (and other people if they are rude) that DD has me as a mum and that's better than a million siblings

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    Addicted to Love  (11-07-2013),Truffle  (11-07-2013)

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    Hugs, totally know how you feel. DS is almost 3 and I'm fairly certain we won't have another one. Hardly a week seems to go by without someone asking me though 'So when are you going to have another baby?!' It irks me to no end that people just tend to assume you have to have more than one kid... Why?! Further to that, what a kick in the guts it would be if you were actually TTC (we're not at the moment but I do feel for others in this position that are)

    I'm an only child myself too. I had a terrific upbringing and don't consider myself to be 'spoilt' or 'lonely' or any other of the adjectives that people like to throw around to describe typical only children. I am very confident that DS won't have a horrible life a result of being an only child child either.

    Oh and how utterly ridiculous for someone to suggest to you that the number of children a person has suggests how well they are coping with motherhood! So if I have 8 kids I'm automatically a brilliant mother? I have watched friends have their 2nd/3rd/4th kids and witnessed the majority of them struggling immensely...
    Last edited by bitterpure; 11-07-2013 at 11:10.

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    I get it a bit at the moment too - though I am trying to conceive number two so it stings every time someone says "so when's the next one???"

    Sadly, like everything else to do with parenting - people just can't mind their own damn business!!!

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    My daughter is 4 months old and I haven't really coped very well with the adjustment to parenthood so I think we'll be stopping at 1. Everyone says "just wait til she's 6 months old, you'll want another" ummmm no I don't think I will! It's so annoying :-(

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    People who have more than one child aren't better parents, they are just people who have more than one child.


 

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