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  1. #1
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    Default Advice Pls!

    This will be long but I'm desparate for some advice. I have an 18mo DD & split from her father when she was 2mo. FOB & I have a once a week visitation schedule (Sunday afternoon) & we both have new partners. I have been with DP for close to 10 months but knew him as an early teen.

    Recently, he asked that we move in with him as a trial for a couple of wks, we did and unfortunately he decided he's not ready for the responsibility of taking her full time so we moved back out. I am trying to be understanding about this but was obviously a bit hurt. He says he knows that he wants to be with me forever, knows that means DD too but just isn't ready right now. Have you ever had this worry and wanted to rewind? How did you decide you could do it?

    For the other issue, everytime FOB comes up he gets an attitude about it. Ie DD is sick & on 24hr exlusion from daycare tomorrow, I started a new job this week & am not able to have the day off so FOB is happy to look after her. DD and I are staying at DPs place as said job is in the same suburb. When I mentioned this he said 'Whatever, I don't care you're the parent' in a tone that showed obvious disapproval. I feel like I have to step on eggshells and pretend FOB doesn't exist but if I lied about where DD was going tomorrow I'd be in more trouble.. I just can't win.

    Have any of you resented your partners ex to the point it causes strain in your relationship? I just don't know if I can do this when I'm always feeling guilty for doing the best I can. Is it better/easier now?

    Thanks

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    Last edited by PorkyPies; 08-07-2013 at 18:37.

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    Are you/him quite young by chance? Or is he just somewhat immature?

    I do think that these things take time, but if he's sulking about the fact FOB exists he needs to get over it. Yep, you had sex with someone who wasn't him, and it resulted in a baby... yes, he may prefer to not think about it, but your DD is always going to be around and hopefully, her father is a decent guy who will always be around for her... so your current bf needs to accept it and be an adult and just suck it up.

    You perhaps need to sit down and tell your bf this - he needs to grow up and accept that this is how things are, or remove himself from the relationship sooner rather than later.

    Or are you saying that you expected your FOB to come and stay at your current bf's house while you worked? Cos yeah, that's weird. I wouldn't be impressed either if that's what you meant.

    Keep in mind, this is all in reference to the FOB thing... the moving in together thing... well, I guess it's your call, but if everything else is going well I'd just give him more time.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by SassyMummy View Post
    Are you/him quite young by chance? Or is he just somewhat immature?

    I do think that these things take time, but if he's sulking about the fact FOB exists he needs to get over it. Yep, you had sex with someone who wasn't him, and it resulted in a baby... yes, he may prefer to not think about it, but your DD is always going to be around and hopefully, her father is a decent guy who will always be around for her... so your current bf needs to accept it and be an adult and just suck it up.

    You perhaps need to sit down and tell your bf this - he needs to grow up and accept that this is how things are, or remove himself from the relationship sooner rather than later.

    Or are you saying that you expected your FOB to come and stay at your current bf's house while you worked? Cos yeah, that's weird. I wouldn't be impressed either if that's what you meant.

    Keep in mind, this is all in reference to the FOB thing... the moving in together thing... well, I guess it's your call, but if everything else is going well I'd just give him more time.
    I completely agree with this!

  4. #4
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    Sassy I'm 25 & he is 27 (28 this year).

    I would be dropping DD to her Dads (also lives in the same suburb as DP & my workplace). DP and I are great outside of this, in every way, however DD is my priority obviously. I have tried speaking to DP about this and he says he is okay with FOB being around but gets weird when he has to hear about it. I don't know how to go about this, as DP would obviously be aware she is going to her Dads as DP usually drops her to daycare and in this instance wouldn't be.

    I'm giving him time with the moving thing, as obviously I understand how full on an 18mo can be.

    Thanks for the reply Sassy

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    I'd run a mile to be quite frank.
    My DH took on my DS with 100% commitment.
    No questions asked.
    I couldn't have done it any other way.
    He sounds like he's not at all ready to be a step parent at.all.

  6. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to faroutbrusselsprout For This Useful Post:

    FirstTimeMummy2012  (08-07-2013),HugsBunny  (08-08-2013)

  7. #6
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    Thanks FOBS. Was DH at all weird about FOB? There is further background in that FOB has been unreliable in the past and caused many issues, ie. Wanted to get back together, was verbally abusive for a period etc but has found happiness elsewhere and that all settled. I have and am considering ending the relationship & allowing DP time to think about what he really wants, but when trying to discuss it he says all he needs is time and I need to be more understanding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by PorkyPies View Post
    Thanks FOBS. Was DH at all weird about FOB? There is further background in that FOB has been unreliable in the past and caused many issues, ie. Wanted to get back together, was verbally abusive for a period etc but has found happiness elsewhere and that all settled. I have and am considering ending the relationship & allowing DP time to think about what he really wants, but when trying to discuss it he says all he needs is time and I need to be more understanding.

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Sorry. I didn't mean to be so blunt. I just can't imagine how hard your position must be.
    My DH wasn't weird, rude, jealous, angry or any other emotion other than just accepting the situation.
    My DH is far from perfect, but I cannot fault him as a step parent in any way.

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    Sorry. I didn't mean to be so blunt. I just can't imagine how hard your position must be.
    My DH wasn't weird, rude, jealous, angry or any other emotion other than just accepting the situation.
    My DH is far from perfect, but I cannot fault him as a step parent in any way.
    Not at all FOBS! Thanks for the input, it makes me aware that the situation with DP isn't 'normal' as I was of the impression I'd be likely to run into these problems with any new partner! Maybe he just really isn't mature enough to handle it.

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  10. #9
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    I've been in a relationship with DP for over 5 years now, my DD is 8. They have a lovely little relationship together but it took time. A fair bit of time tbh... I don't think "Okay, this is my kid now," thing is something that should be expected from step-parents. Not immediately anyway. It can take time... and I think that's fine. I'm glad I didn't leave DP because of his relationship with DD in the earlier days (it wasn't bad, but he certainly wasn't that comfortable with it... he had to adjust!).

    I can get that it's uncomfortable discussing it too - just like you wouldn't want him talking about his ex to you. BUT, this is different because the ex HAS to be a part of your life because of your daughter. He'll just have to get over it... and maybe only talk to him about it (at least for a while anyway) if you absolutely have to. Otherwise I wouldn't mention the ex much, other than, "She is going to visit him on the weekend," or something basic.

    THat's just me though. I do think it's fair for a person to need to take time to adjust from going to single and childless, to gf and step-father in almost the blink of an eye. He's old enough to suck a lot of those things up for now though.

    Good luck!

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    Id be inclined to think a backward step is not a good way to be moving?? My DP has been nothing but supportive. My ex recently seperated with his GF. It meant that I copped the whole "I love you and I want us to be a family again" crap. DP was awesome. I didnt hesitate to tell him about the texts, and he reassured me that my responses were reasonable and appropriate. In regards to his ex, he quite frequently will ***** to me about his frustrations with her. I love him and Im happy for him to get whatever he needs to off his chest. I hope things work out for you and DD


 

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