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  1. #1
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    Default Am I being unreasonable?

    Ever since MIL passed away FIL & BIL expect us to come over every weekend - often both days. This means that right now anything we want to do has to work around going over to see them. I understand that they want to see us but we never used to go over every weekend & having to re-arrange our lives around them is starting to get to me. DH always goes along with it at the expense of stuff we wanted to do, which really peeves me off.

    For example, we saw FIL & BIL both days last weekend. This weekend we are meant to be going to an event for both days - as in 9-5 both days. It is pre-booked a long time in advance & FIL is well aware of this. Yet he just called up DH & asked if we will be going over this weekend & now DH wants to. Which means we will either have to cut one of our days short, or go over in the late evening afterwards meaning we get no quiet time to relax. I've had a stressful week & wanted some quiet time.

    I understand that he wants to see us, but I also think he needs to understand that we can't necessarily go over every weekend because we have other things we need/want to do.

    I also just wish DH would step up & say something - last weekend we were out at the shopping centre & had to cut it short because BIL rang up & 'expected' us to come over 'now' cause he needed help with a project. So, of course DH decided we had to go over right then. BIL wanted us to stay all afternoon, but luckily I had study to do so DH did put his foot down on that one.

    Am I being selfish or unreasonable? DH reckons I am. It seems like as far as he is concerned we should just throw our lives away and spend all our spare time at his dad's house. I don't think I can do that and therefore we have an issue........

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    I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

    Sure, a visit "most weekends" would be fine (if you happy with that) but if you have something on, then it should not be an issue.

    DH needs to say "sorry, we have xyz this weekend...how about dinner at our house during the week/next weekend".

    How long since MIL passed? Is it new and they are still struggling?

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    I don't feel this kind of obligation to my family, so I wouldn't get it either. My DP though, I bet he would be like this. He was "told" he was helping someone out with something, and so is now taking off a day so he can go do it.

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    Did she pass away recently? It seems like they are needing your DP to help them deal with their grief. It won't be forever, but I think it is nice that he wants to be with his family at a difficult time - I can see where you are coming from as well, bug I just think you need to ride this one out and give up a few of your relaxing hours to provide some emotional support. If you feel like they are relying in you too much, perhaps suggest a social worker comes and spends some time counselling them.

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    It sounds like my MIL and FIL. They expect us to go and visit every weekend for dinner (which is normally a three course affair) and when we don't go over one weekend they give us a call to check if everything is okay. They never come over to our house there's always an excuse why they can't. And bloody DP bows down to their every whim he has no backbone when it comes to them. I barely see DP as it it and they expect us to drop everything on the weekend to go see them. It angers me.

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    I understand why they want you to go, they are probably lonely and grieving.

    But I would put my foot down about all wknd, every wknd.

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    Agreed. People typically close ranks when they lose someone in the family, it helps them to deal with the loss. But unfortunately it can be expensive to 'alone' time to have something like that happen.
    If I were you I'd have a word with DH and just say something along the lines of "I know they need you right now but I need some time with you too".
    I'd say to him that I was happy to spend a whole weekend with them every third week or one day out of the weekend every second week but that at the moment it's just too much.

    If she's only just recently passed hopefully you'll find in a few months that things calm down.

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    It all depends on how long ago she passed away... People deal with grief in different ways and while I agree with your sentiments I think that their requests are symptoms of a grieving process, which your DH is most likely feeling too. You are within your rights to request things to be balanced, however I would also be careful in picking your fights if this is a recent passing.


 

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