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  1. #1
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    Default How do I approach this? Sibling wants back in.

    5 years ago my sister committed a horrible, humiliating act against me and I cut her away.

    Surprisingly, I didn't miss her and my life was all the better for her not being in it as I was free of backbiting and passive/aggressive behaviours etc. I was also free of her interfering husband who is the only person in this life who has ever needed to be slapped. Repeatedly.

    However, it hurt my parents and now that I have kids, it upsets them that the family - her kids and our kids - can't be together. (Me, I'm kinda glad about that).

    Out of the blue, I received an SMS this week asking for a meeting. She wants to talk. Wants to know if I want to "sort stuff out".

    (Edited to add SMS content: Hi Cav! Just letting you know that I'm your area next week as son has a comp on if you are interested in catching up and sorting ****t out. We will be there Wed and Thurs as comp starts Wed but it's pretty full on days so I'll only have between 9-10am if you do want to meet. Realise the weather isn't too good but will leave it up to you and what u want to do. Maybe see you out there! Cheers, Sis)

    My first thought was you send me this after 5 years? Who gave you my number? And who put you up to it? Then I thought oh god no. My life is great. I don't need you in it.

    While the humiliation and upset is long gone, I simply don't feel anything towards her now. There's never going to be bbqs at each other's houses or long chats over the phone. I would never confide in her. And I don't think I'd ever get an apology from her.

    Then I thought how happy it would make my parents to see us in the same room again.

    My DH says it's up to me as to whether I go or not, that he'll support me either way as he can't be bothered with her but understands that my parents are hurting over it.

    What would you do? And if you went, how would you handle it? Just stumped on this one.
    Last edited by Caviar; 01-07-2013 at 16:28. Reason: added the SMS content

  2. #2
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    That is a tough one....
    I guess I'd be setting up some boundaries ie, "I want to sort some stuff out with you mostly because it's important to our parents that we can be in the same room for family gatherings".

    I might offer some degree of friendship, albeit, quite limited. Life is so fragile and so short...I'm not suggesting you try to develop a closeness you do not want but perhaps it could be worth seeing if it's possible to develop some kind of relstionship now?

    But also, what do you need from her to make this more likely, ie, does she need to apologise to you, to explain herself etc

    To be honest though, it would really depend on what she did in the first place, how old/stupid she was at the time and whether she has shown genuine remorse.


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    Last edited by Albert01; 01-07-2013 at 16:33.

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  4. #3
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    My first reaction would be no way but I guess it can't hurt to listen to what she has to say....

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  6. #4
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    if you weren't family you'd have gone your separate ways and never gotten back in touch......
    If it were me i'd not go; theres a reason you aren't in each others lives.
    I have a brother like this and i'm quite happy to live the rest of my life never seeing him again and I don't care if others have an opinion about it

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  8. #5
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    Thanks for your feedback.


    Further background: She was 34 at the time and mother to 4 kids. She subsequently banned me from her home (threatened Police action), told her kids a pack of lies which have only just been sorted recently via my parents and I have not been permitted to contact them during those years.

    During that time, my parents refused to challenge sibling although mum has interfered albeit on the sidelines playing a 'he said, she said' game which I have chosen to ignore. DH calls her the Organ Grinder which I think is an apt description. I felt betrayed by them for a long time and still do to a certain extent. I know I couldn't confide in mum because I know it would be repeated to her. As the years have progressed, my parents have come to realise how much damage she caused and have said as much but I suspect they do the opposite behind my back. So there's not a lot of trust left in my immediate family which only adds to the conundrum I'm facing.

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    To be honest putting a one hour time limit on catching up to sort out s*** as she put it doesn't really sound very heartfelt. If it has caused you that much stress and pain I think a more appropriate message would have been better not just the "ill be in your area" TXT. If you do make sure you stand strong for yourself and your family some people are best left on the sidelines xx

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  11. #7
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    That is a hugely flippant txt IMO and if things are as bad as you're saying they are then based on that txt I wouldn't be going. It's hardly an olive branch. You seem happy without her and perhaps you're not ready to smoke the peace pipe just yet. Maybe say thanks but the timing is not right for you.

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  13. #8
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    People will forget what you have said, they will forget what you did but they will never forget how you made them feel...........

    Just spotted this. And I find that it's true....I've long forgotten the angry words, accusations and just plain rubbish that made up most of her tirade. But I felt like dirt that night. In front of all those people I felt like nothing...like a piece of ****...and the sense of betrayal (being at her wedding, christenings...all the while she was gossiping about me and didn't really want me there but invited me to make my parents happy...) was monumental. In the ensuing months the way she got others on board and I was excluded...it was just an awful experience that I would not wish on anyone.

    But being able to talk about it in here without telling me I must have it wrong (mum does this) has been cathartic.

    I guess my overriding concern is that I don't want to have my parents spend their twilight years with a split family. Maybe I'm too soft. Forgiveness is a funny thing. People make it sound all soft and fluffy whereas all I see is a crown of thorns.

  14. #9
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    I was in a similar situation with my younger sister recently...I see what she did to me as *almost* unforgiveable.

    I had decided I was going to cut her completely out of my life, but I saw how much this hurt my Mum, and so I decided to be the bigger person and resolve things.

    It was hard, very hard! I felt I needed an apology to get over it all. But I realised that she was never going to to give me one. So I could either live my life holding onto the bitterness and anger, and my family all having to pay the price for her stupidty / immaturity / irrational behaviour...or I could forgive her.

    When I say I forgave her, I mean that I forgave her for my own benefit, not hers. I forgave her so that I could let go of the upset and hurt, and live my life free of all those negative feelings...and also so that my family could heal.

    We used to be close and confide in each other. It will never, ever be that way again. But we are now at a point that whilst it's a little awkward, we can be in the same room for family gatherings, and everyone can still have a good time. We are civil, but don't really interact.

    I think if you choose to meet up with her, you make it clear that you want to sort some things out for your parents sake, but that you don't wish to have any type of relationship with her.

    But it's probably one of those things that you'll just have to play by ear...you won't really know her intent until you're there...

    Good luck!!

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  16. #10
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    I have a similar situation, I felt with it by never being around my sister unless it was a family event. So a couple of times a year I suck it up and I see her and its quite fine really.

    That said, I don't meet up with her alone, I don't text her, I don't have BBQ's with her, I don't have her on face book, etc etc.

    It works out really well. I'm happy, I'm not dragged into things and don't feel stressed or burdened. It can still be hard but I'm an adult and can put my feelings aside for others ( mum, dad, children etc).

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