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  1. #1
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    Default If family ignored/excluded your DP what would you do?

    The partner of one of my very close family members excludes my DH when it comes to pregnancy and kids (and there is that vibe generally, but its just so blatant with pregnancy).

    The first time around the worst example was photo shoots at the hospital with not ONE photo of DH and his child, or us as a family.

    This time, I was congratulated and hugged (and the horrible rubbing of my only just there belly has begun), but not a word was said to him. Not even hello.

    We are both so shocked in the moment, and both keen not to start a family fight, so don't say anything. DH tells me not to worry, to focus on the positive, but its not ok. It takes away from the positive. It's almost 2am and I'm awake thinking about it.

    Suggestions please ladies! How do I fix this? Do I say something obvious to the partner next time it happens? Do I call the partner tomorrow and tell them it not ok? Or do I pull my family member aside and explain to them the problem and ask for their help in fixing it? (I figure if they saw it as a problem, it would have been fixed already).

    I'm not after a pasting here ladies. I should have said something way before now, I know. Please help me work out the best way to approach this before it continues.

  2. #2
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    hmmmm giving said family member partner benefit of doubt (without knowing the) they may not realise what they are doing. They could be subconciously jealous and acting out.

    Either way I would say something to them> it doesn't have to be confrontational, it may end up that way but who would you rather be hurt them or your partner? I would either say to them quietly in person or send them an email/facebook message etc... that I am not sure they realise but they are snobbing/excluding dh and it is hurtful. If they don't feel for whatever reason they can include him that yuou will have to exclude them yourself. Or just ask why they are doing it?

    Either way I think something needs to be said.

  3. #3
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    I'd have a chat to your family member. That way maybe you and them can work out the best way to approach the partner.

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    How well do they know him? They just might not feel comfortable with him, so focus on you as they know you better.

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    Thanks so much for your replies.

    i suppose I should clarify. It's the partner of one of my parents, who is 60 plus, has children of their own, and should know better and not be so incredibly rude!

    DH and I have been married over 6 years, so this person has known DH for longer than that. In the beginning it was never like this and effort was made with both of us, but over time the disdain, snide remarks, ignoring, giving orders and rudeness has been pretty standard. I'm sure they know they're doing it, as does my parent (ie see it happening).

    i agree I need to worry about DH being hurt, not the partner. He just shrugs it off, but its still not OK and something I need to grow some bits and stand up to!

    I just really hope to find a way to fix the behavior so it becomes genuine. Fake and condescending is no good either.

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    it is hard, I think the best way is to ask them straight up. Just take a deep breath and do it. Ask why in particular do you act this way to DH? Often people are so shocked by being confronted even in a polite way they are embarrassed into behaving better. Often they keep going cause noone does anything or says anything so they know they can get away with it, especially if they are in a bad mood and need to be snarky to someone to make themselves feel better.

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    I'd say confront them. I once had a auntie who was a complete cow and was sarcastic and condescending to pretty much everyone. Once she posted less than complimentary remarks on Facebook about my nan and I just lost it and posted up a whole pile of home truths. She deleted me but funnily enough the nasty comments have now stopped and she is very polite and pleasant. She just needed some boundaries....I think people definately needed to be confronted...

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    Frankly it depends on the situation. My DH and I unfortunately have a bit of a habit of doing that to my sister's partner, but frankly he's an ***! We both have a strong dislike for him based on his actions toward both of us and the way he's treated my sister.
    As a result the safest method of dealing with him without causing family friction is to essentially ignore the guy.

    BUT in your instance I would say confrontation is probably the solution. Not that you'll necessarily get a resolution to the behaviour but perhaps to at least get your feelings aired and perhaps open up a dialogue. It's a hard position to be in though.
    I agree with upforroundtwo. Generally if people know they're being rude they'll be shocked at being called on it and behave better. And if he doesn't know he's doing it he'll be suprised and probably try to change the behaviour.

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    If I was close to the family member then that is who I would raise it with.

    I would ask if they'd noticed it and if they knew if there was an issue or something going on?

    Depending on their response I would decide where to go from there...

    Good luck. Hopefully it's a simple case of them not realising that it is a major part of dad's life too and he should be included in the excitement!

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    I would bring it up with them by saying something along the lines of "I'm sure it's not intentional and you probably may not even realise you doing it but xyz..." and how it makes yourself and your DH feel.

    I would definitely say something and would expect my partner to if in reverse.

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