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  1. #1
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    Default The more I think, the more I worry

    I've been married for almost 4 years.
    It's been tough for 3.5yrs
    3 Miscarriages
    Thanks for reading, or replying
    Good to have it out there
    Last edited by kaisenna; 31-01-2015 at 15:55.

  2. #2
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    You haven't really given me enough information to comment on wether I think your dh is controlling but I strongly recommend the book Why does he do that? A look into the minds of angry and controlling men...by Lundy Bancroft.

    Really great book and will help you decide what is going on with your relationship.

    6 weeks to paint a room sounds a bit wierd though.

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    MilkingMaid  (29-06-2013)

  4. #3
    harvs's Avatar
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    I have no advice, just some empathy... My DH has depression and I have recently been weighing up the staying/leaving thing. I just wanted to say, you will definitely not ruin DD's life if you leave. Children thrive when in a functional and happy home environment. If you will be happier on your own, then that is better in the long run for your daughter, in my opinion.

    My first thought with the bedroom thing was perhaps your DH is a perfectionist created by having a fear of failure? This is my DH, and sometimes he is so scared of failing that he can be paralysed into indecision. Or he will go the other way and try and control all aspects of his environment. It's really, very challenging.

    We have been going to counselling which is helping, and I feel like we will probably make it if we both continue to put in the time and effort. Without counselling I wouldn't give us a hope. So, couples counselling may be worth considering, or if DH won't do that, then have you considered getting a mental health plan from your GP and seeing a therapist yourself? It is so easy to fall into a depression yourself when you have a depressed partner, and you have had some distressing times personally in the past few years, too.

    More than happy for you to PM me if you need...

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    kaisenna  (29-06-2013)

  6. #4
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    My mum stayed with my dad when she should have left and that is what ruined my life- the damage that happens to children usually occurs when they are living within the unstable environment of a broken marriage, in my experience, so when you say that you're worried that leaving him will ruin your daughter's life, I wouldn't think so. When she grows up I'm sure she will understand your reasons. Not dismissing the fact that divorce can be very tough on kids, but so can staying for the sake of your DD.

    It's tough, bi-polar is intense, my best friend has it and I've watched her change dramatically over the years due to the condition. Wish I could give you a better answer

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    Just wanted to say that being a single parent will NOT ruin your child's life, as long as you both always kept her best interests front and centre, rather than focusing on your grown up issues.

    Co-parenting is a tough gig, but if it means you will be a happier mum/dad apart, then your DD will pick up on that and thrive. She may even benefit from two loving and happy homes, rather than one unhappy one.

    It's a tough situation you're in, mental illness is very emotional and often confusing. Keep up with the counseling, good luck.

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    The controlling part was asking me to send photos every day all day of the progress of the renovations. Also staying up to see the progress of the room he painted, it required a bit of patching too and with winter it took a bit longer. He stayed up and started sanding in the middle of the night. At the time I was working 60hours a week and asked if he would mind doing it in the morning but he said he had to do it and didn't see the point of waiting till daylight.

    Also...we bought a flatpak kitchen and I suggested we get a builder to install it.
    Said he didn't want to pay to have someone install the kitchen and that he would do it over a couple of weekends when the baby was born. Seeing as I had experienced how long it took to paint a room (which I was happy to help but my technique wasn't right) I didn't want to risk being without a kitchen for months. I asked him not to rip out the kitchen if he planned to do that and he said I would just have to toughen up. That's when I suggested he see a Dr as I thought that was very unusual.

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    To me that sounds like anxiety, which can be crippling, especially for males. Are there any immediate worries you can think of that he might have, ie money or fatherhood? I'm not justifying his actions - just it can be easier to deal with some of these behaviours when you can understand where they're coming from.


 

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