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  1. #1
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    Default Tell me where I am going wrong please...

    Long story..(try to shorten it). I have a younger brother. Growing up we were very close...When he turned 19 he decided to leave to go overseas. He loved his new country so much he never came back. We kept in contact by phone but I don't think he was overly interested in keeping close anymore(moved on, growing up..finding himself, etc). It hasn't been until the last 5 years or so, when he finally met someone and had a family. Then he had heart surgery after having a TIA. I was hoping to visit with him a year or so ago but couldn't leave because of another family matter.Anyway..............since he met this lady (she is younger) and they had their two little ones I have embraced her like a sister in law (I consider her a big part of our family). I have spoken to her on Skype twice(we only Skype Christmas, etc). Other times I have tried to connect but she hasn't connected. I spoke to her in a group session - have never spoken to her on her own. Over the past years I Love sending gifts to her, my brother and the kids(this will always continue). I send cards and have sent letters to her just to say hi and ask how she is doing and I would like to get to know her better.The truth is her relationship with my brother is not good. He has confessed to me that he doesn't love her and has never ever liked her. She forced herself upon him, moved in and had children to him. Naturally he has had to take responsibllity too..(there must have been some attraction). In anycase I still feel she is a part of our family. In her last pg. there was a chance that her baby could have had problems, so, naturally I sent her cards and letters just to encourage her and tell her that I was praying for her. When my brother got sick, I sent her a card to thank--her for taking care of him. I was grateful she was there for him.During all this time, she has not acknowledged my cards or mail. I managed to send her a few messages on Skype, but still.........nothing. I don't call my brother often but we keep in contact by email and he sends photos rather then a typed email. I just need to know he is ok. I had not heard from him in a few months so I decided to call him yesterday. He was in a bad way...he was stressed..stressed with work, stressed with the kids and stressed with the so-called relationship. He told me he had left a few times and slept in his car and was tempted to come back to Australia. I tried to calm him down and encourage him...It would break my heart if he left the children as he loves them so much. They are his world! I never EVER side with him nor do I ask what type of person his partner is. If anything Ihave tried to encourage him to get closer to her and understand her from my point of view(a woman's point of view). He is my younger brother and I love him and want to see him happy....I sent her a message on Skype. This was the 2nd message I have sent to her on Skype telling her that I am praying for her and him and that I had spoken to him yesterday. I told her I didn't want to get involved but I just wanted to reassure her that I was here for her if she needed a friend. She is old/young enough to be my own daughter! My brother emailed me and said, Don't send her any messages. So now, I finally get it (after all these years) that she is not interested in communicating with me. I will continue to send my brother and nieces gifts and I will send her gifts too but won't get involved and send letters. Tell me where I have gone wrong? I haven't seen my brother since 1987 and my communication with him has been limited(his decision when he was growing up). Finallly I hae this contact and am happy for him to be in a relationship, embrace her into the family and get totally ignored. The fact is I still care about her and feel she is important and I want the best for my brother and her - even if it is just friendship (without love/marriage). I don't hate her and have forgiven her for ignoring me, but want to know where I have gone wrong. I only send cards/gifts at birthdays/Christmas and Skype on Christmas day. Its not that I am always in her life or his, for that matter. I just care, that's all..and want to see them happy.

  2. #2
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    *bumping up** just wanting to know where I could be going wrong.

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    I don't think you have done anything wrong, she's just not interested. There's not much you can do about that. I'd save your energy and attention for someone else.

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    I think she's just not keen on having any kind of relationship with you. Is she like that with all of your family? If her and your brother are having issues she probably doesn't want to get involved in his family. Don't forget she barely knows you so it might be hard for her to connect with someone so far away.

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    Agree, I don't think you've done anything wrong. She doesn't sound very nice...

  7. #6
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    Could it be that perhaps you're coming on a little strong?

    I'm putting myself in her position right now... and I'm thinking if I was in an unhappy relationship, my partner's sister trying to get quite familiar with me despite the fact I've not met her, the fact that she's endlessly trying to connect with me on Skype, with letters, with cards etc... it would personally make me quite uncomfortable and not at all warm to you.

    No I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong... it's just that you've got one way of approaching this (which is with love and friendship), and she might just not be the kind of person that likes that kind of approach. She might prefer time alone. She might not be all that interested in getting to know someone that doesn't play that big of a role in her life due to location, etc. She might be a b*tch too, and that's her problem... but I mean, it could be any number of things.

    One part that stood out is that you're thanking her for taking care of him. I absolutely get why you said it and what you meant by it... but I considered how I might take it if I were in her position, and you generally thank someone for doing something they're not exactly supposed to do. He is her partner. Happy relationship or not, generally you look after your partner when they're ill. She might feel like you're saying she's doing a favour - like it's not actually her job. Kinda like maybe YOUR family is the one who is supposed to be taking care of him... like he belongs to you guys more? I'm not sure how to word where I'm going with this, so hopefully you understand what I mean there.

    But really... if someone isn't warming to you it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Some people just aren't ever going to be close, and that's okay. I think so long as you remain polite, then that's the best you really need to do. By years of not reciprocating, I think she's shown you that she's not interested in being any more than distant relatives... so just be polite and kind, and perhaps only contact your brother for a chat if you need to.

    Best of luck!

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    oh Thank you so much for the replies!! Sassymummy - I thank you for what you have said and have to agree. Thank-you for helping me see what the problem could be and thanks to other posters. I feel better now. I am hoping to stay connected to my brother and the children, but I will give her space. I do hope to meet her one day and perhaps things might be different. I still care for her but can do this from a distance!!

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    oh Thank you so much for the replies!! Sassymummy - I thank you for what you have said and have to agree. Thank-you for helping me see what the problem could be and thanks to other posters. I feel better now. I am hoping to stay connected to my brother and the children, but I will give her space. I do hope to meet her one day and perhaps things might be different. I still care for her but can do this from a distance!!

  10. #9
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    What are you hoping to achieve by contacting her?

  11. #10
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    I wonder what country she is from? Is it a cultural/language problem?


 

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