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    Default Advice on marriage separation please?

    Mods...I'm really not sure where is the best place for this.

    Hi everyone,

    My husband and I have decided to separate. We want to work on our marriage but we agree we need to be apart for now. He's already away a lot (FIFO) but when he's home, it has just been awful. This is a long time coming. We will go through more counselling and see where the future leads us...

    i don't know where to start with the kids. They are so little and one of them in particular I know is going to really struggle with any changes in our family.

    How on earth do we 'do' this without causing a life time of counselling fees for our kids?? What do we say to them? How do we time it all???

    The current short-term plan is that my husband will stay in the house with the kids while he's home from work and I will go somewhere else. Obviously that will need to be addressed if this ends up being forever...

    He's due home in a couple of weeks. I'm guessing we tell the children together? Do we tell them on that first day? Do I leave that same day? Do we give them time to process it or will delaying my leaving make it all harder for them?

    I think I have my head wrapped around what to say...age appropriate, honest but simple, nothing too specific, no blame, not about them etc...

    What a bloody stressful mess.

  2. #2
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    Hi Quirky, sorry to hear the news. I'm certainly no expert and you don't say the age of your kids, but I can offer my immediate thoughts if it helps a little.

    I think the idea of keeping your kids' home consistent is excellent. If it were me, I would prepare them at first just for the idea that when daddy comes home you will be going away for a couple of weeks, just like daddy does, but you will be back/will call every night/etc. That way you could leave on the day your DH gets home if you wanted. You seem unsure that you will stay separated, so I wouldn't say too much until you go through counselling and make a decision either way.

    Kids always need to know that both parents love them, and that separation isn't their fault, but I'm sure you know that. There are many hubbers who have gone through this experience and I'm sure they'll pop in soon.

    Take care.

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    hi quirky, I see nothing wrong with starting a conversation with the children while he is still away. Children are pretty adaptable, and you can start explaining what is going to happen once daddy gets home. That way you can answer some questions and prepare them for the changes. You are going to be away when dady is home?? that is the plan, ? when daddy leaves for work, you will be there with them. ?? I would make it clear that you and daddy are having problems, but there is no problem with the children. You both love them and will always look after them, but for now, you and their father need time apart while you both work on the problem. Also, prepare yourself for a million different responses from the children. hugs, Marie.

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    Bumping for you :-)

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    How old are the kids exactly? DD was nearly three when her dad and I split up. We just told her what was happening and answered her questions and tried to be positive about it. She was a bit out of sorts for a week or so and then accepted it and has been fine ever since. With really young kids they tend to take it in their stride. Older kids it is probably a bit harder - I don't have any personal experience with older ones though. All the best. xx

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    Thank you everyone. Sorry...their ages are in my signature, but I forgot to put them in the message. They are 8, 6 & 3.

    My husband and I have agreed to try counselling to see if it gets us anywhere, but he will have to make (more) massive changes for us to stay together. I am a long way from perfect in this marriage, but I am not raising my children thinking that what they have watched is a normal way for a wife to be treated by her husband.
    (I am in no physical danger, nor are they, but it's not a healthy relationship)

    Since first posting here, I had thought that I probably should start the conversation with the kids. The problem is that we at first agreed to do it together and he is very hard to reach...sat phone only in the office etc...

    Because trust is an issue for him, I don't want to do anything without talking to him first.

    It's all such a mess. Whatever happens, the children and I will be fine. I am strong and independent and the kids are awesome! I just really don't want to mess up these early stages.

    Thanks again for all of your advice.

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    Bump. Anyone...please?

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    When dh and I separated we just did it as the kids were so young. Ofcourse they asked questions and we answered them honestly but we didn't sit down and talk about it before hand.

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    If you are starting with counselling, then I wouldn't say anything just yet. Is it unusual for you and DH to go out alone? If so, then I would prepare them for that and just leave it for now. However, if they have seen things that you wish they hadn't in terms of how your husband treats you, or how the two of you treat each other, I think it would be worth thinking about talking to your 8 year old in particular if they might be worried... Good luck with it all :-)

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    Thank you again...every little bit helps.

    To complicate things, my husband has just lost his job so on not enough money to run one household, we now need to run two. Whatever the outcome, I'm sure the children will be fine. I tend to over-think any change that comes along. The main thing is that both parents adore these kids and they will know that for sure.


 

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